Monday, September 27, 2010

Still Okay with the Weight

You know, I am kind of okay with all this weight gain. It continues to climb, which is hard to fathom, but that’s what’s happening. Doesn’t seem much I can do about it, and I don’t feel like doing anything right now, so this is it.

I am fine. I, Melissa, am fine, because I’m healthy and I’m sleeping and I’m learning to cope with real life.

In the real world, I’m not a tiny girl. I’ve always wanted to be a tiny girl in the world – ahhh, if only I could disappear... But I can’t disappear – who will pay the rent, and cover my health insurance so I can keep taking Lexapro and pay for my root canal and for food and gas and my phone…??? I can’t disappear, no matter how much I’d like to at times. i'm taking up space, and that's what i must do. make my place, make my space in this world.

My boyfriend tells me that I look great now – nothing better than a woman with curves, says he.

I don’t think I look great. Still, I have gained a lot of weight, and the world hasn’t ended. In fact, little has changed except that I’m sober and more responsible and honest.

I do think about cutting down on the cals but then think – I like my afternoon pretzels and my after dinner ice cream. And after that, I’ve been known to eat fruit. Yes, my emotions trigger my mouth-hunger, lately, but for right now, that’s where I am.

Could I possibly learn to be one of those people who enjoys food? I've either desperately craved it or feared and loathed anything with calories all my life. What If i could appreciate and enjoy food? Could that ever be me?

I just wish the weight gain would stop now.

1. I went to a really good AA meeting tonight, and I (yes I!) got a sponsor. More on that later.

2. I got another job offer, so I don't feel quite so stuck in this one.

3. Dancing With the Stars, a warm bath and a good book. Beautiful.


  1. Everytime I am tempted to start the whole calorie counting, clothes weighing, scale jumping and low fat vegan diet thing I just say to myself that I just want to leave that behind me and enjoy life and all the nice foodie things.

    The impulse to control the whole food and weight thing is less these days because I really face the day to day living things even if I don't like them.

  2. Well, I'm not one to comment because I have a terrible relationship with food intake and output, but I do want to say congrats on AA and your job offer! I want to disappear too. I'm a large person and I've always wanted to be "petite". That's such a nice word. I don't want to stick out as much as I do, I want to be able to hide. But not possible at my size.

  3. this post makes me smile. friend also comments on how much better i look and how my butt doesn't sound "hollow" when he pats it as he walks by. it makes me happy for him, that he can appreciate it and i just go with it. let him appreciate it and enjoy it for us both. as much as i would prefer bones and sharp edges that's not real life - like paying bills etc. i'm just entertaining taking back some responsibility of real life and leaving home (again) where i've been exceptionally enabled to be sick.

    hmm..maybe i should move to my own blog right now and start writing...this could get very long.

    none the less, congrats on the opportunity, and PROUD of you for getting a sponsor!!!!! YAY!!!! *hugs* and i'm not a huggy person!

  4. Sweetie, I can tell you (and every other woman on earth) for a fact that MEN LIKE CURVES. Curves are what make us womanly, and a man (well, most) want to snuggle up to and make love to a body that belongs to a WOMAN, not a body that resembles a 12-year-old boy. If your boyfriend is happy, I can assure you that all is right.

    Don't get me wrong--our happiness does not depend on the opinions of men. We have to ultimately keep ourselves happy, but sometimes men have it more together than we do--especially when it comes to our curves.

    Keep up the good work! XOXO

  5. You should like and enjoy food. I think that problems come in when you are eating and enjoying the food. You just eat to eat and because you are bored or just feel the need to eat but are not hungry. That is where I fall into trouble.

    It sounds like you are doing AMAZING work on your ED and AA stuff. Keep it up!

  6. I am always so happy to read your blogs. You are such a phenomenal person for being okay with all these changes! It is so inspiring. I like to think of food as a medicine that I take on a daily basis to keep me from a relapse. And, as long as I have to take it, might as well enjoy it, right :)
    You are still a rock star! Congrats for everything you've done!

  7. Linda; you said it -- dealing with the real things!!! i know i've avoided all these things, all my life. it will be interesting to see how things go as i face things head on, for a change.

    i admire so how you've worked on yourself and your life and really made the life you've chosen. it's great to know it's possible

    harriet; yes, i always wanted to be petite, like my sister, but that didn't work out too well. why do we want to hide? you never hear a man say that he wants to be petite. snort.

    it's hard to get used to taking up space.

    flawed design; thanks for the hugs! taking responsibility is hard. when i start to really get better, i've often sabotaged myself so i can be sick and run "home" to be enabled. good luck with all you're doing.

    VLL: well said. men do like curves. at least the men i want like women with curves. who wants a guy who wants a 12 year old? i haven't been 12 for 34 years! and you're right, this isn't all about making a man happy. i do need to think about what makes me happy -- of course, for most of my life, i thought living on the edge and staying vaguely "out of it" made me happy. but it hasnt'.

    Eating Alone; i've written about this before -- i always wonder what it's like for foodies, who seem so in to restaurants and recipes and eating. are they disordered? do they eat for pleasure or from hunger?

    i am working on ED and working harder on sobriety.

    S.A. i read this on another blog, "think of the food going up into my brain. When I eat, my brain is being fed and my mind can function properly." i liked it.

    thank you for your support. i'm such a big nerd, i love hearing that i'm a rock star!