You know, I am kind of okay with all this weight gain. It continues to climb, which is hard to fathom, but that’s what’s happening. Doesn’t seem much I can do about it, and I don’t feel like doing anything right now, so this is it.
I am fine. I, Melissa, am fine, because I’m healthy and I’m sleeping and I’m learning to cope with real life.
In the real world, I’m not a tiny girl. I’ve always wanted to be a tiny girl in the world – ahhh, if only I could disappear... But I can’t disappear – who will pay the rent, and cover my health insurance so I can keep taking Lexapro and pay for my root canal and for food and gas and my phone…??? I can’t disappear, no matter how much I’d like to at times. i'm taking up space, and that's what i must do. make my place, make my space in this world.
My boyfriend tells me that I look great now – nothing better than a woman with curves, says he.
I don’t think I look great. Still, I have gained a lot of weight, and the world hasn’t ended. In fact, little has changed except that I’m sober and more responsible and honest.
I do think about cutting down on the cals but then think – I like my afternoon pretzels and my after dinner ice cream. And after that, I’ve been known to eat fruit. Yes, my emotions trigger my mouth-hunger, lately, but for right now, that’s where I am.
Could I possibly learn to be one of those people who enjoys food? I've either desperately craved it or feared and loathed anything with calories all my life. What If i could appreciate and enjoy food? Could that ever be me?
I just wish the weight gain would stop now.
1. I went to a really good AA meeting tonight, and I (yes I!) got a sponsor. More on that later.
2. I got another job offer, so I don't feel quite so stuck in this one.
3. Dancing With the Stars, a warm bath and a good book. Beautiful.