Wednesday, July 31, 2013

No More Food Obsession?!

Pancakes were always my go to binge food, and they were my very favorite food.  Because I thought they were a trigger and wouldn’t be able to eat them normally and moderately, I haven’t had a pancake in many years.

Yesterday, my boss ordered pancakes for lunch and asked if I wanted a bite. “Hmmm”, I thought. It would be interesting to test my theory that one bite would likely lead to endless rounds with Aunt Jemima.
I took a bite. It was pleasant, but – it was just a pancake. What a revelation.

I’ve had a lot of revelations about food lately, with the most important being that it’s not that interesting!!!!  My whole damn life I thought food was the end all be all. I believed that if I wouldn’t gain weight, I would spend all my time eating and all of it would be rich and fattening foods. For most of my life , I thought about food ALL the time. One time, I realized I hadn’t once thought about eating for 5 whole minutes, and it brought me to tears.

Lately, I’ve noticed that my food obsession is, well, not there. It’s has though it’s been removed from me.  It floors me. I don’t think about food and when I’m eating, a small portion suffices perfectly. When I’m done, I don’t think about food again until I’m actually hungry.  And “fattening” food holds no particular interest.

(did I just write that paragraph?)

For the longest time, I ate well but still found myself envying people who ate more quantities and less healthy food. I stayed away from foods that were too appealing – foods I would always want more and more of. One slice of pizza seemed never enough.

But now………it’s different. Sometimes the pizza looks good; sometimes it doesn’t. And when it looks good, I’ll take a couple of bites and……….well, I’m good.

I can not believe this freedom. 

Monday, July 22, 2013

Sleeping Pills

I’ve been an insomniac my whole life. I remember reading thru the night as a child (with, of course, frequent trips to the kitchen – using food to keep me company.)

It was a lifetime of sleepless nights, night after night, starting from early childhood. As an adult, I was alone in my apartment, up all night, binging and puking. Chronic insomnia played a huge role in my drinking (made me sleepy), binging (food “kept me company”), and drugging (with cocaine, I didn’t even need sleep.)

In my 30s, I discovered sleep aids – ambien, codeine, vicodin, xanax, whatever a doctor (any doctor) would give me.  And naturally, I abused them by taking too many or combining them with each other and alcohol.
While in rehab (which is clearly where I belonged!), doctors prescribed Trazodone, which they explained was an anti-depressant that didn’t really work, but it did have the side effect of making people sleepy. Doctors assured me it was fine and not addictive and not problematic.

I’ve been taking Trazodone for four years, every night, and I do sleep well. BUT I do feel pretty drowsy and woozy in the morning. In general, I don’t feel like my mind and memory are as sharp as they used to be, although I don’t know if that’s the Trazodone.

Now, my sponsor wants me to get off the meds. He thinks I use them as a crutch and it’s still “druggy”.
At first, I freaked out. “oh my God, don’t take sleep away from me. I couldn’t bear it.” I flashed back to every sleepless moment throughout my life.

My sponsor was insistent, and I began to see his point. Wouldn’t it be great to be free of a medication that makes me drowsy and woozy and perhaps forgetful and dumb? AND, what if I stepped up and, like a grown-up, took some other measures, like cutting down on my very high caffeine consumption? Exercise? Herbal remedies?

For the last two nights, I’ve cut my dosage in half and slept fewer hours, but I slept! I’m so encouraged.

I’m interested in other people’s experience with sleep and lack thereof. Anyone have an experience to share?

Wednesday, July 10, 2013


i haven't weighed myself since last Thursday which, in my world, is quite the record. it's amazing how that's effected this (apparently rather small) life of mine and me.

it's particularly amazing in the face of everything else happening in the real world - planes crashing, political upheaval in the Middle East, my best friend putting his frightened and confused mom into a nursing home. I'm having trouble paying my rent.

but for me, i just want my scale back.

Eating disorders do strange things. i don't feel "right" because i don't know my weight. i'm not quite sure what or how much to eat -- in truth, what should be as natural as breathing is convoluted and artificial.

 i rely on a number on a small digital device to tell me if my body and i are ok. 

Monday, July 8, 2013

Changing my Relationship with Food

my relationship with food has been, uh, dysfunctional to say the least.  for most of my life, it was my everything -- mother, lover, sister, friend. If there was food, i wanted it -- no matter what time it was, what it was or if i was even hungry.
i see that's changed, with a lot of work. i've learned that food does nothing for me but nourish me. i'm delighted if it tastes nice, but that's about it.
in some ways, i mourn a more loving relationship. some folks love food and eat a normal amount and get great pleasure from eating, but that doesn't work for me.
for me, food is and has to be practical. i need to find pleasure in other things -- friends, leisure, intellectual challenge, nature......
Many people don't understand my relationship with food. it doesn't excite me. if you take me out to a fancy restaurant, i like being waited on and the prettiness, but i'm not into the food in particular. 
fabulous food doesn't rock my world. i do like it to taste good, but that's about it.
is, i wonder, my relationship still dysfunctional?