Wednesday, July 10, 2013


i haven't weighed myself since last Thursday which, in my world, is quite the record. it's amazing how that's effected this (apparently rather small) life of mine and me.

it's particularly amazing in the face of everything else happening in the real world - planes crashing, political upheaval in the Middle East, my best friend putting his frightened and confused mom into a nursing home. I'm having trouble paying my rent.

but for me, i just want my scale back.

Eating disorders do strange things. i don't feel "right" because i don't know my weight. i'm not quite sure what or how much to eat -- in truth, what should be as natural as breathing is convoluted and artificial.

 i rely on a number on a small digital device to tell me if my body and i are ok. 


  1. My bathroom scales died the other day and they got thrown out. It stresses me very much to not be able to jump on them and get my "affirmation" and set the mood for the day. Determine what to eat and what not to eat.

    I use the ones in the "boys" bathroom but it only goes up in 500gm blocks and that is not fine enough for me. Even 50gm can make or break my head space.

    While I wait for the weekend to buy a new set, I have been using the tape measure twice a day to just double check all is normal.

    Despite two years of hideously intense therapy, despite being mindful, despite making good use of CBT - it's still there like some sort of insidious voice. It would not even matter if I lost half my body weight, it would never make me feel whatever it is that I get out of it. Light or clean or perfect or disciplined whatever.

    Considering I have a perfectly good life, it's completely fucked having this mindset. It's like my dirty little secret or something.

  2. Linda; thank you! good to know i'm not alone. what you said, "determine what to eat and what not to eat". that's EXACTLY what i feel.

    however, i have a friend who hasn't weighed herself in two years and another who hasn't weighed herself in FIVE. they both say it's the most incredible freedom.

    soo...i've gone a week. is there an award....?

  3. Hi IHTW :) I have gone from weighing myself 7 times a day, to weighing myself hardly ever! This most recent time it was 7 months, I could hardly believe it! I actually didn't think it was at all possible, but it is.
    For me, it was just getting used to that niggling voice that says "i want to weigh", and then being able to talk back to it. I know that sounds really easy, and i also know it's really NOT that easy, but just keep trying to practice at it.
    Hope you are doing well.

  4. RecoveringClaire; so, yesterday, i dragged the scale out of the closet and, apparently, it needs a new battery because it says i gained 8 pounds since last week and then it gave me an "error" message. clearly, the universe does not want me weighing myself! too funny. thanks for writing