Sunday, October 31, 2010

why i want to eat

it's 11 pm. i had a beautiful weekend. lovely. went out for a nice meal and ate a fair amount more than normal at around 8 pm, but that's okay. it's the weekend, i'll eat moderately tomorrow -- no big deal. after dinner, came home and watched some nice, cozy tv and now it's time for bed and i want to eat.

why on earth? i had a beautiful weekend with lots of sleep and.... ah, i don't want the weekend to end. i don't want to get up early and go to work and start the work week and have it be monday.

now i know. and i can snack or not, with some new knowledge. now i know.

Actually Wanting Sobriety

I take antabuse to keep me from drinking -- if you take antabuse and drink, you get very, very, very sick.

every time i've stopped drinking, i've depended on antabuse. certainly, i was sure, i could not not drink on my own.

yesterday, saturday, i ran out of antabuse. when i went to re-fill it, the drugstore told me i don't have health insurance and it would cost $153, versus the 15 i usually pay. my health insurance provider was closed, so i couldn't resolve it until monday.

dilemma -- do i pay the $153 and try to get reimbursed or could i wait until Monday, and stay sober on my own. (just some additional info-- my COBRA ends today and my new insurance starts monday. i'm worried that somehow i won't get reimbursed from my old insurance.)

i even called my therapist, who thought i should get it yesterday: it was a better investment than taking a chance with my sobriety. although i was pissed about paying the extra money which i really don't have, i agreed with my therapist and decided to get the antabuse yesterday.

then i met with my sponsor and went to a wonderful AA meeting which ran long and made me late to meet friends for dinner. i decided that i could wait until tomorrow, there was already so much antabuse in my system, and one day without it would be fine.

when i woke up this morning, i realized that i'd be fine without antabuse until tomorrow because I WANT THIS SOBRIETY. i am feeling so much better and committed to the process and to myself. i couldn't actually believe it. ME? committed to my sobriety and to myself? ME?!!! it blew me away.

the funny thing is, i found one last antabuse tablet this morning and took it, so i'm fine until tomorrow. i will re-fill and take the new prescription. it's great insurance. still, what a realization.

p.s. i am having the greatest weekend. got tons of sleep, got a massage, met with sponsor, went to wonderful meetings, have time to myself to read and write and take baths. tonight, i'm going to an early meeting and then out for (an inexpensive) dinner. ahhhh. i'm working on enjoying every minute, right here in the present.

this is all so new. i'll take it!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

A Cool Exercise.

i was so hard on myself in therapist today-- i told my therapist that "at work, i feel useless, hopeless, stupid, lazy, uncoordinated, incapable. oh yeah, and funny looking."

my therapist said that i'm so compassionate with other people; she hopes i can find compassion for myself. she gave me an exercise -- every night write myself a paragraph to myself as though i were someone else.

i haven't written it yet, but i'm looking forward to it. it sounds so comforting. i keep thinking about how nice i'll be to myself.

what do you think your paragraph to yourself would say?

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Without Distraction

Living life without distractions is different. I'm not drinking, drugging, starving, purging or acting out. Where's the drama, where's the excitement, the danger?

This is a hard lesson. I can't remember living without some distraction from life.

Now, I'm sitting with anxiety, boredom, worry, pain. I'm living it. And getting thru it.

It's odd learning to cope with life at 46. Look at me, I'm...getting thru the day.

A normal person would say that mundane beats drunk and living on the edge. Some parts of me know that, but some parts are restless.

AA helps. I can ground myself there with others who know exactly, exactly where i've been and where i am. I see people who've come so far and have much richer lives for the process.

Without drama and excitement, I see the things I need to change. Before I ignored them with the help of the sauce, et. al.

Last night, we had company over. Some were drinking and yes, i wanted that wine. as the night went on my focus shifted to food and yes,I wanted those chicken wings. i ate more and more consistently than i would have preferred, but overall, it was okay.

still, today, i felt sorry for myself. why do i have sooo many issues? if it isn't wine, it's food, if it's not food, it's pills, if not pills, then i look for drama elsewhere. the point is, i need to tolerate the discomfort and social awkwardness and party conversations that don't scintillate. I can get thru it and without cabernet or crudite.

This seems a stilted post, as this is all just so new and uncomfortable for me. Drama I know so well. Run of the the mill, day-to-day life -- how do I manage that? For now, I'm working on tolerating it.

Tomorrow's five week's sober. Tonight, i meet with my sponsor. To be continued.

Gratitude list:

My car is giving me a lot of trouble. My boyfriend keeps giving me his car so i can get to work safely. He rides his motorcyle in the cold.

My puppy friend is coming over for a visit in a few minutes. As my friend, Eve, said "happiness is a warm puppy".

I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight. She has such great wisdom, and I'm just doing what she tells me and believing in it.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Big Girl Pants

I was complaining to my sponsor that my life is so hectic all of the sudden, and i feel overwhelmed and have so much to do and there are so many issues... she looked at me and smiled and said,

"Sometimes you just have to pull on your Big Girl Pants and do what needs to be done."

Exactly. Here's the thing -- I've always avoided Big Girl Pants, figuratively and literally. I've dodged everything that sniffed of reality or hard work. And, of course, I've starved and prayed in search of a life in skinny jeans.

What do I have to show for it? Uh, stretch marks? Bills? (notice what i put first. my priorities need a little work.)

One of the reasons I picked my sponsor is that she looks like she knows how to put on Big Girl Pants. She's a hard-working single mom with a teenager and a nice little house and one hell of a hard time behind her. THIS is the kind of woman I want to be -- someone who knows how to take care of herself.

i'm always leaning on people -- family, friends, men. it's not that we don't all need help, but i always want people to do things FOR me not with me. i let people do stuff and pay no attention, so the next time, i have no idea what to do.

this may work for a 6 year old but a 46 year old, not so much. this barely works for most 16 years olds. how did i manage this long?

here i am, at 46, slowing beginning to step up to the plate. uh, yes, i have to work even if i'm not psyched about the job. yeah, i have to cook and clean and get my car serviced. i can't afford mani/pedis, massages, fancy make-up, frequent highlights and, of course, tasty red wine. i don't know where i got my sense of entitlement, but hello, it's been whopping. and financially devastating.

here i am, and i'm beginning the process. it's terrifying, yet it's my only chance. uh, to not end up in debtors prison. without medical care.

re; literal Big Girl Pants - the ones that don't look like tights and weren't meant for a pre-teen with a hyper metabolism. My sponsor puts on big girls pants -- she's healthy and toned and strong. She has no eating disorders and no particular issues with food. She's a great-size woman. You don't instantly wish to give her a sandwich. Anyway, she would get her own.

i hate big girls pants. i started out super-chubby and spent my whole life questing and dying for skinny jeans. it's going to be a very hard habit to change. will a smaller size ALWAYS seem better? i don't have an answer.

but grown-ups need grown-up pants. i'm beginning the process of becoming an adult. now, about those pants...

Here's to pulling on my Big Girl Pants and accepting that this is life.

Monday, October 4, 2010


i can't begin to tell you how much dread i felt about going to work today. this morning, i had a panic attack and almost fainted. i have trouble sleeping because i dread work and i have bad dreams about the job.

this morning, i could barely keep my eyes open driving to work. i really did almost fall asleep. it was truly creepy & dangerous. i didn’t sleep terrifically, but i got enough sleep, so that shouldn't have happened.

last friday, our director put it on my calendar to meet with her every day this week. i don't know why. i worry that they worry i'm not learning quickly enough. and I strongly fear that she's going to make me do a lot of outgoing sales, which i truly dread. truly.

how do i work things thru with this dread? every night, i get miserable about going to work the next day.

this is a very controlled job for a very free spirit. it's timed when you go to the bathroom. every time you get up you have to clock out. How long you’re on the phone is tracked.

what is the dread? In the old days, I never wanted to go to work either. Then I’d drink and binge and purge all night, maybe trying to make myself sick enough so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Then came drugs, and I really wasn’t capable of going to work. Life just fell apart.

Now, I’m not drinking or drugging or binging or purging or starving, so all the feelings are here. I’m not numbing or anesthetizing to “cope”. I’m living.

All the feelings are right here. I just stand and watch them invade and take over my body. It was terrifying this morning, when I nearly passed out and then could barely stand up. Who’s in charge of this body, anyway?

EPILOGUE: I got myself to work. I calmed myself minute by minute and things got better and easier. Work got a little more interesting, we had a good meeting and I really took and enjoyed my lunch hour.

I’m such a fearful person. Why couldn’t I convince myself that this day could possibly be fine?

Guess I need to learn to cope without Chardonnay, 3 pizzas and a quart of ice cream, nights flung over the toilet, Percoset…

All new.

Gratitude list:

I met with my sponsor yesterday for the first time. She is the loveliest person in so many ways. I picked well! She gave me homework and I’m working away. Going to a nice meeting tonight that she runs. And I have a good friend who goes to. Great way to end the day!

I was hungry for lunch. I haven’t felt true hunger in quite a while. Lunch was tasty and now I’m nursing a nice cup of coffee.

Dancing With the Stars is on tonight. And then I’m going to take a bath. Ahhh