Sunday, October 24, 2010

Without Distraction

Living life without distractions is different. I'm not drinking, drugging, starving, purging or acting out. Where's the drama, where's the excitement, the danger?

This is a hard lesson. I can't remember living without some distraction from life.

Now, I'm sitting with anxiety, boredom, worry, pain. I'm living it. And getting thru it.

It's odd learning to cope with life at 46. Look at me, I'm...getting thru the day.

A normal person would say that mundane beats drunk and living on the edge. Some parts of me know that, but some parts are restless.

AA helps. I can ground myself there with others who know exactly, exactly where i've been and where i am. I see people who've come so far and have much richer lives for the process.

Without drama and excitement, I see the things I need to change. Before I ignored them with the help of the sauce, et. al.

Last night, we had company over. Some were drinking and yes, i wanted that wine. as the night went on my focus shifted to food and yes,I wanted those chicken wings. i ate more and more consistently than i would have preferred, but overall, it was okay.

still, today, i felt sorry for myself. why do i have sooo many issues? if it isn't wine, it's food, if it's not food, it's pills, if not pills, then i look for drama elsewhere. the point is, i need to tolerate the discomfort and social awkwardness and party conversations that don't scintillate. I can get thru it and without cabernet or crudite.

This seems a stilted post, as this is all just so new and uncomfortable for me. Drama I know so well. Run of the the mill, day-to-day life -- how do I manage that? For now, I'm working on tolerating it.

Tomorrow's five week's sober. Tonight, i meet with my sponsor. To be continued.

Gratitude list:

My car is giving me a lot of trouble. My boyfriend keeps giving me his car so i can get to work safely. He rides his motorcyle in the cold.

My puppy friend is coming over for a visit in a few minutes. As my friend, Eve, said "happiness is a warm puppy".

I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight. She has such great wisdom, and I'm just doing what she tells me and believing in it.


  1. Hey I'm trying it at 42 and it's not that much easier. You can do it, and you will find life affirming stuff that you LOVE! I hope so, I'm trying lots of different things and nothing is clicking so far so good luck!

  2. 5 weeks is amazing! Congrats! You are working so hard.

    My life has no drama. It's very boring. I don't get any joy out of the mundane unfortunately. It's just one day after another.

  3. Oh, I definitely understand this. It can be so hard to sit with these emotions and have nothing to divert your attention away from the uneasiness.

    I think that we become so accustomed to chaos and madness that we forget how to handle stillness. We spend so much time in crisis mode, battling one storm after another, and when the sun finally breaks through the darkness we don't know how to enjoy the light because we are constantly scanning the horizon for the next set of dark clouds to come rolling in.

    It's hard to learn how to actually live life instead of just merely surviving life.

    Congratulations on your fifth week of sobriety! That is a tremendous accomplishment and I hope you are proud of yourself. I am proud of you. Keep believing :)


  4. What's the line? "More issues than Sports Illustrated." Ha!

    Congratulations on your 5-week milestone. I, too, hope you're proud of yourself. You're playing the hand you were dealt with very well. Yay for you, sister!

  5. Eating Alone; it's good that we're doing it now, right? i'm working on sitting with the uncomfortable feelings -- not drinking or taking a pill or staring down food. it is not easy. and i know you're going thru so much. ahhhh. let's both hang in there.

    harriet; yeah, we just have to keep seeking. i am hopeful -- i guess i hate the alternative to being hopeful. things can get better. you are seeking with writing and running and therapy -- i think you are. do you feel you're on a journey?

    Nicole; thanks for the congrats. five weeks is so little, but it feels so good. i'm having a hard time sitting with anxiety and unhappiness and worry. but i'm doing it. AA is great because everyone else is doing the same thing. it's nice not to be alone

    VLL: you're a real inspiration to me. i actually think of you often. you've recreated yourself so amazingly. you're practical and fun and so very brave. i love reading your blog

  6. You are doing so great, and I'm really proud of you! I know that restless feeling so well. I'm going through the same thing right now, and understand how difficult it is. Sitting with the feelings is hard. Keep on the path that you are on. Your going to make it through:)

  7. Angela: yes, the sitting with the feelings. today, i thought it might be nice to smoke. good thing i don't like the smell at all anymore. also, there is always a sugarless candy in my mouth. but it's better than my old list of alternatives for comforting discomfort. feels those feelings doesn't feel good in the moment, but i do feel progress when i look back on each day.