Sunday, October 31, 2010

Actually Wanting Sobriety

I take antabuse to keep me from drinking -- if you take antabuse and drink, you get very, very, very sick.

every time i've stopped drinking, i've depended on antabuse. certainly, i was sure, i could not not drink on my own.

yesterday, saturday, i ran out of antabuse. when i went to re-fill it, the drugstore told me i don't have health insurance and it would cost $153, versus the 15 i usually pay. my health insurance provider was closed, so i couldn't resolve it until monday.

dilemma -- do i pay the $153 and try to get reimbursed or could i wait until Monday, and stay sober on my own. (just some additional info-- my COBRA ends today and my new insurance starts monday. i'm worried that somehow i won't get reimbursed from my old insurance.)

i even called my therapist, who thought i should get it yesterday: it was a better investment than taking a chance with my sobriety. although i was pissed about paying the extra money which i really don't have, i agreed with my therapist and decided to get the antabuse yesterday.

then i met with my sponsor and went to a wonderful AA meeting which ran long and made me late to meet friends for dinner. i decided that i could wait until tomorrow, there was already so much antabuse in my system, and one day without it would be fine.

when i woke up this morning, i realized that i'd be fine without antabuse until tomorrow because I WANT THIS SOBRIETY. i am feeling so much better and committed to the process and to myself. i couldn't actually believe it. ME? committed to my sobriety and to myself? ME?!!! it blew me away.

the funny thing is, i found one last antabuse tablet this morning and took it, so i'm fine until tomorrow. i will re-fill and take the new prescription. it's great insurance. still, what a realization.

p.s. i am having the greatest weekend. got tons of sleep, got a massage, met with sponsor, went to wonderful meetings, have time to myself to read and write and take baths. tonight, i'm going to an early meeting and then out for (an inexpensive) dinner. ahhhh. i'm working on enjoying every minute, right here in the present.

this is all so new. i'll take it!


  1. It sounds like you are well on your way to making it on your own. If you can do this, you can do anything really, never forget that. And the possibility that maybe just maybe you are stronger and more capable than you think you are.

  2. So in a way it was good that you thought you ran out, so you could come to the realization that it is your own motivation that is keeping you sober, and not the meds. That is powerful.

    I wish there were meds to keep us from doing all kinds of other things! Eating, being mean to people, being lazy, etc. What a world that would be.

    I had never heard of antabuse. Had you ever taken it before? Of course it isn't a magic bullet, because it is still your choice to take it. And that is powerful too. You are in control.

  3. VV: thank you. that's an important comment for me to hear - could i be more capable than i think? i certainly never really believed i could be truly sober. i really appreciate your comments.

    Harriet: it is powerful that it is my motivation that is keeping me sober. yes, imagine if there were medication that could keep us from doing all kinds of things!

    i've taken antabuse every time i've stopped drinking. it's not a magic bullet, but it has kept me sober those nights that i've really wanted to drink. i didn't want to get really sick. it stays in your system a long time and twice i stopped taking it and drank when i thought it would be safe and i got really, really, really sick. once, i passed out on a plane and threw up all over and it was a huge, huge deal. the second time i threw up for hours every where. and kept passing out. it was awful. but it really does help. still, i am happy to know that I want this sobriety.

  4. I'm glad you made it! I also know that one day you will be able to make it without it. My sister has been sober for over 12 years now. It was rough at first but she made with the help of her sponser and friends. I know you will too!

  5. Eating Alone; thank you, thank you. Congratulations to your sister. i love hearing about folks with long sobriety -- so encouraging and inspiring.

    it sounds like you have some addiction in your family. makes sense that you cope with your own issues. i find alcoholism easier than the ED. not drinking is the answer for alcoholism. you can't do it with food. you have to eat and if you're going to live healthfully, you sort of have to learn to eat well. so hard. yet doable.