Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I am looking older - that's all there is to it. i look at pictures from three years ago, when i was 46, and there's a real difference.

Lord knows i took terrible care of myself throughout my life -- drugs, alcohol, anorexia, bulimia -- it makes sense that there's wear and tear.

i always looked young for my age (something i chalked up to lack of responsibility and maturity!) but not anymore. No one looks surprised when i state that i'm nearly 50 -- they just nod and smile.

for no apparent reason, i'm comfortable. it's almost a relief. i SLAVED my whole life to be thinner, prettier, blonder, bronzer, blah, blah, blah...........such time and effort and and money and insecurity.

maybe i'm just tired.

and truth be told, i didn't find my dream career or a good man or inner peace, actually, while i've been thin, blonde, bronzed and young-looking

i'm looking for a change - to grow old gracefully and with different purpose. i'd like to be more useful and kind and compassionate, focused more on others and less on myself (and my appearance!)

waiting in the doctor's office yesterday, i read the new Allure magazine with a whole big section devoted to anti-aging. "anti-aging" sounds odd -- as though it's actually a possibility!

it also sounded utterly exhausting -- time consuming and expensive. And a lot of fight for something that's inevitable. we're getting older and no matter how much botox we stick in our faces or even how much hair color and moisturizer and concealer we use -- we're going to look older.

What's wrong with looking older, looking our ages? i'm not saying we shouldn't take care of ourselves -- i'm just wondering why we can't look great AND old.

perhaps i won't be as comfortable as the lines deepen around my mouth and my jowls droop, as my mother's did -- as the gray comes in quicker and the weight creeps on...all that happened with my mom who looked exactly like me.

but for now, i'm okay