Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Pancakes were a big binge food of mine. i haven't eaten them in at least five years, if not more. they were always just so scarey for me.

in the last couple of weeks, i've been making them for dinner on a regular basis. i love them. i eat a normal amount, i savor them and then i'm completed satisfied.

i never really thought i'd eat pancakes again, but here i am. woo hoo. happy days are here again!

food really feels different these day. yesterday, i was snowbound and struggling with mean cramps. i slept, took a bath and watched movies. and i ate cookies and leftovers and the beloved pancakes. it was all kind of hodge podge and not exactly balanced, but i was perfectly happy.

things really are different. i'm satisfied with meals and then forget about food until the next right time to eat. isn't that wild?

i'm clean and sober and getting comfortable with food. now, i really am free to plan my life. it's a little scarey; yet, how great is this?!!!

Monday, December 20, 2010

My Sister and I

There's been distance between my sister and me. I've always felt she has a hard time communicating about the deep stuff. We get along on a nice, surfacey level, but i never thought she wanted to or could handle the dark side.

My sister is getting some cosmetic surgery today. I've been in more frequent touch, as today grew closer. I wanted her to know how much i support her in her choice and how brave i think she is for having the courage to get up on the operating table. she's so excited about the procedure -- i'm very happy for her.

During a conversation last night, my sister shared some personal issues that are troubling her. She's my very big sister and has always felt more like a mother to me, so this was new. I did my best to be supportive. At one point, I said "M. I love you so much". she paused. we don't say "I love you to each other". She said, "I love you too, Mel". We continued talking and as we ended the conversation she said, "I love you" again.

Wow. I felt closer to her than I've felt in my 46 years. My sister and I have had our issues, particularly through my crazy years. She didn't understand eating disorders, drugs and alcohol and all my other issues. She didn't understand why i couldn't just "get better", as she always has.

When i was in the deepest depths of my drug use, she shut me out and we didn't speak. This has stuck with me for years. The other day, i was bemoaning this, once again, to my sponsor who said, "Good for her". "She has children and her family to protect, and she did you a favor for not enabling you."

Oh. i NEVER saw it like that. My sponsor was right. I've felt much kinder and gentler toward my sister ever since.

I always put her on such a pedestal. She was so pretty, naturally thin, popular and such a hard worker. she married a smart, handsome doctor and raised the loveliest children. My sister hasn't worked in 20 years and never has to.

Now, I begin to see her humanity -- she's becoming a whole living, breathing woman to me.

My parents are gone, my brother and family don't speak to me. I am thrilled beyond words to be developing this new closeness with my sister.

My heart is all filled up.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

told you so, Mrs. Obama

i'm just stealing liberally from an article i read online. I've raged before about the WAR on childhood obesity. Here we go:

A new study has shown that the massive push to keep kids from becoming obese has created a new problem. According to the report issued today, the kids of the US are starting to develop more eating disorders, something that has largely been blamed on the fact that so many people are pushing children away from the obesity issue. It seems that now the kids are so afraid of becoming obese that they are losing perspective.

The doctors who are treating these eating disorders have noted that scaring children into living healthy is probably not the best way to go. Often children will take extreme measures to avoid something that they consider to be scary or dangerous.

Schools all over the US are reporting that eating disorders are on the rise and many say that they are having a difficult time getting many students to even eat the healthy meals that have been specifically designed to keep them safe

Many thanks to all the researchers who did the work for me. One thing they forgot to mention -- if kids are eating to the extent that they become obese, what's going on? perhaps therapy would do as much as, if not more, than an apple to help them heal.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

DUI checkpoint

On the way home from an evening out last night, I was stopped at a DUI checkpoint and then randomly selected for further inspection. I had pullover, speak to an officer and have my car checked.

off i headed to the inspection area, where the policeman sniffed my breath, asked me a bunch of questions and flashed his flashlight all over my car.

all was fine, of course, except the officer was stupified that anyone would choose to just drink lemonade on a Friday night!

it was late and i was glad to leave the area and head home to bed. it hits me now that all around me at the checkpoint, drivers were being delayed and made to step out of their cars. one guy looked fairly intoxicated.

that so easily could have been me. i often drove home (very carefully) after a few drinks, knowing that if i were stopped, i would have had too many. during all that time, i never encountered a DUI checkpoint. it wouldn't have been good.

reason number 2 million to never drink again!!!!!

i was pretty darn proud of myself.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Although I’m really not hungry or in the mood, I’m eating a white chocolate coconut and walnut cookie at work. I’m eating it because my colleague baked them for me and so wanted me to try one.

From this occurrence we learn – there is hope.

There was a time, a long long time this one cookie would have caused panic and rage. Terror that I might find myself eating that cookie, Fury that someone else gets to eat a cookie AND manical rage that anyone would try to make me eat it.

For a very long, long time, I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have eaten the cookie, no matter how my co-worker (who is senior to me) cajoled.

I write this because for 30 years, I was 100% sure there was no hope for me. My eating disorder (and drugs and alcohol) were going to rule every moment of the rest of my life, just as they had destroyed the time before.

My life entailed starving all day, drinking tons of wine, binging for hours, purging to the wee hours and popping laxative and a few Ambien to try to squeeze in some sleep before work. I’d wake up sick and exhausted and start the process again. This was every single day. This was sheer misery. And I saw no relief. Never, ever.

Now, I get up, drink fresh juice, have little snacks, eat lunch, a small snack, dinner and some dessert. No binging, no starving, no purging, no drinking and no drugs - never, ever.

Do I still watch too carefully? Sometimes. Is it all natural and easy enough? Sometimes. Is there work to be done? Yes, but now, sometimes, I have real peace.

I never, never, ever would have thought this possible.

I’d like to “talk” more about hope. What brings you hope? What have you done that’s worked in recovery? What do you hope for? Where do you stand with hope, itself?

We need to hear the positive. We need to know we can get deep into recovery, and we can recover.

Monday, December 6, 2010

A Real Meal

i don't know if this post will trigger anyone. i talk a little bit about the food i ate.

Yesterday, I ate a real, grown-up dinner plus dessert and felt nothing but satisfied. Now that’s progress!

My boyfriend, D., came home from work early and we enjoyed a quick, normal lunch, then headed into NYC to see the tree and shops. Everything was so extraordinarily beautiful and awe-inspiring. I don’t think it’s ever looked so exquisite.

After walking around, we went out for dinner. D. doesn’t like eating out, so this was a nice treat. Recently, I dhaven't want to go out, because “who wants to eat out if you can’t have a drink.”, but i was cool last night. D. actually said he was looking forward to it (I don’t believe him for a minute – he did it for me) and I didn’t care about drinking. Wow.

Early in the day, I decided I was going to eat a real dinner of foods I usually don’t eat. Even if I wasn’t very hungry, I was going to get something truly tasty and eat as much of it as I wanted.

There was a lot of traffic, and we didn’t get to dinner until 10, but I still didn’t care, I was going to have a good dinner. I ordered EXACTLY what I wanted and enjoyed it thoroughly and heartily. We had great conversation over dinner and there was gentle, live music in the background. Nice.

Although I was full and satisfied, I still had a hankering for ice cream when I got home, and I made myself a small and tasty cone.

And that was that – no second thoughts, no remorse, no self-punishment. I could get used to this!

It IS funny that I’m making such a big deal about doing nothing but eating dinner, but it was a big deal. I look forward to it becoming mundane.

As i was re-reading this post, i realized it may sound like i don't usually eat healthful meals, and the fact of eating dinner was the coup. just to clarify, i do eat meals and maintain a healthy enough weight and i'm not obsessed with food and weight. i allow myself (small) treats and can eat out and go to events with relative ease. i say "relative" because i do have apprehensions sometimes, and some days are easier than others.

In general though, my meals are very simple and pretty lean. the portions fill me, but i never feel too full. it's rare that i'm eating a big slice of pizza or more than a bite of someone else's hamburger and fries. last night was a burger and fries AND salad kind of night. THAT'S what makes it so different and so exciting.

Bring on the nachos!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

The Weight of the Flu

Many thanks to everyone who responded to my last blogs. I am finally back on my feet and back at the job. Still not 100% but happy to be off the couch! Now that I'm "me" again, I'll be a much better comment responder. In the mean time, THANKS AGAIN!

Yes, I am on the mend and Yes, I did lose a few pounds with the flu. Weight loss is so darn complicated for us, isn't it?

I'd like to think that I was like a normal person with the flu -- I slept most of the time, so I wasn't eating during that time. I felt pretty dizzy, so i didn't really want to eat...

Or did I? I didn't want to want to eat but deep in my messy mind, food is always comforting AND the cure for all ills. I have a sinking feeling that if I knew I weren't ging to gain weight, I would probably have eaten quite a lot while I had the flu. I know normal people wouldn't, but let's face, when it comes to food -- I'm not normal!

What I DID do is kind watched what i ate. I knew broth was good for me, so i drank it. we know broth is low cal, so of course I drank it! i drank tea (which i don't like) because my boyfriend (gently) made me. (thank boyfriend!) I ate sweet potatoes, because they're soft and tasty and good for you. And in the refridgerator.

Other than that, i ate salad, which is ridiculous because my stomach was quite off. I also had sliver of pizza, because the boyfriend was eating it and it looked good. Oh yes, i ate ice cream, which is also ridiculous considerating the phlegm issue (sorry). Why was i eating ice cream? Well, i eat ice cream every day -- why should a little bronchitis stop me?

Overall, i see, I didn't not eat like a normal, intuitive eater. To some extent, I restricted, but on my own behalf, I wasn't that hungry.

And I lost a couple of pounds. Yes, I like the weight loss. I'm still a healthy weight. My My boyfriend would say I look better with a few more pounds. Most people would say I look better with a few more pounds. Only people with distortion would not say I look better with a few more pounds.

Why don't I?