Monday, December 28, 2009


i'm not happy. my body tells me too. my stomach hurts, my heart races, i can't think straight

and boy does red wine look good. i have to tell you that -- someone needs to know.

i'm lonely. my only close friends in nj were eve and ted. eve moved to the mid-west and ted's been strangely distant. he's been my rock my whole life and now he's kind of drifted away. how can that be?

ted held me with him through everything. the death of my parents, my dangerous addictions, everything.

i guess i didn't realize how his absence is upsetting me. could i just ask him? i'll have to think about that. he wasn't well for a while. he's in a new relationship. i guess he's just human. i don't hear anything he's say. i guess he's just human.

i'm happi-less with myself. i haven't done shit with those applications. instead, i waste hours and hours of time and spend too much money. i'm not working until next week. all this wasted time trying to comfort myself in all the wrong ways.

this mood isn't like me, usually. i used to be like this and boy did i cry. now fucking lexapro won't let me cry.

i'm hopeful for the future but afraid it won't work. impractical, i am. unproductive. messy.

do you ever feel this too?

Saturday, December 19, 2009

When Size 4 is Too Big

"When Size 4 is too Big: A Curvy Model's Struggle to Fit In" -- is the title of an article about model Lara Stone in January's Vogue. It begins, "when you're a model, nobody calls you fat. 'What they're saying is curvy, but you know they mean fat'," so says "curvy" model Stone, who stands FIVE FEET TEN and wears a size FOUR. (capitals come courtesy of me.)

Stone's had a hard time being,as Vogue writer Rebecca Johnson says, " a good two sizes larger than the minnows currently walking the runway". According to Stone, stylists whisper about her behind her back, and she very often fears being "canceled" because of her size.

initially, she tried to lose weight, using diet and exercise and briefly, pills, but nothing worked and the pills gave her heart palpitations. eventually, she leaned heavily on alcohol until she'd wake up shaking and in a need of a drink simply to function. Stone checked herself into rehab is now eight months sober and modeling as a size four.

According to Rebecca Johnson, the size zero trend has been "rough on both the models, who find it nearly impossible to maintain that body type past the age of seventeeen, and the magazines that want to show clothes on models who aren't painfully thin." She adds that there is a health initiative to raise awareness about eating disorders, but "some girls remain worryingly underweight".

Johnson continues by saying that designers defend the trend, saying, says Johnson, that "clothes look better on a coat hanger". (i wasn't sure these last two paragraphs really fit into this post, but i HAD to include that quote.)

Johnson suggests that things may be changing in the modeling world, as Lara Stone is actually becoming an extremely popular model with some top designers, photographs and editors. Famed photographer Mario Testino says, "i have never thought of Lara as fat... It reminds me of when i started to work with Gisele, everyone used to think that she was too voluptuous. Look where she is now."

As I read the article, i realized it had no irony. Didn't anyone who read or edited this article before print think that 5'10 and a size four was actually really skinny? It seemed the reader was supposed to read along, feeling that Lara Stone, as Karl Lagerfeld says , has "a gorgeous woman's body" and Vogue editor Virginia Smith who says it's "refreshing" to see her on the runway. And to understand how people thought Gisele was too voluptous. Giselle?

The article ends with Stone saying, "People still tell me I'm fat, but when i look in the mirror, that's not what I see." WHO TELLS HER SHE'S FAT?

Yes, yes, yes, this article raises MANY QUESTIONS and MANY hairs on the back of my neck. Here's one question -- What is this article doing in Vogue, home of the skinniest models on earth? (and perhaps the skinniest editor-in-chief, anna wintour, as well)It almost seems like Vogue is giving lip service, "see we get the problem, and look how open-minded we are -- running an article about a size FOUR model," but then i think they think it absolves them and they can go back to what they really believe, skinny is better. Heck, just turn the page. do i see any "curvy" models in the rest of Vogue? what do you think?

somehow i feel like that size four model(although i'm a size 8) but i'm also Vogue. yes, i say i feel perfect at my good healthy weight. i used to diet and take pills and drink alcohol, hoping to stay skinny. i went to rehab and i'm nearly eight months sober. yes, i know that it's unrealistic and dangerously unhealthy to reach for unnaturally low body weights. look at me, i'm agreeing. but look closer, and see what i'm thinking.

Thursday, December 17, 2009


i'm supposed to be filling out grad school applications. as you can see, that's not what i'm doing. i've cleaned my apartment, flat-ironed my hair again AND paid some bills, BUT i have not looked at ONE application.

what's the procrastination? well, deep breath and a click of the mouse, and here i go.

...37 minute later. i haven't started. let's try again.

Monday, December 14, 2009

My Niece's Body

if you've read earlier posts, you know that my niece,Jenny, is 14 and the apple of my eye. as she hit puberty, she gained some weight (normal, right?) until, according to my sister Molly, her mother, she was 5'4 and 137. Molly actually whispered this to me, because my niece was nearby (i think it's weird that we even know our weight so exactly. "137", not "around 135". but that's one of my pet peeves, particularly as that's the very same way i gauge my weight.)

my niece has begun a dance program at school and dances hours every day. evidently, she's toned up and slimmed down and is much happier with, as my sister said, "her taut stomach, real abs and toned butt." (Jenny's also wearing sexier clothes and asked for a belly button ring. weren't we better off when she had a few extra pounds and wore sweats? by the way, my sister nixed the belly button ring. we can all breathe a little easier about that!)

during the conversation, i tried to stay very neutral about the weight loss, saying that i was very happy that jenny was feeling better about herself and making new friends and enjoying school.

then, my sister said, "she really looks better." i didn't know what to say. i kind of spaced out for a minute. could i tell my sister that her remarks felt poisonous. did she think jenny was less beautiful with a few extra pounds and a few more jiggles?

i didn't say anything. molly's NOT a touchy-feely person. she's all about taking action. my words would only make her angry.

of course, if i did say anything, it would be more gentle than "your words are poisonous" still, i'm afraid. she wouldn't HEAR me. she'd think i was a pain in the ass. she'd know i was wrong. she'd tell me she's happy just because Jenny is happier. she'd really shut me down.

still, i'm angry with myself. i should have stood up for what i believe. how can we have healthy daughters if our mothers agree that we ARE less beautiful with extra pounds.

i'm sorry i shut my mouth. what do you guys think? is it worth bringing it up with her?


Friday, December 11, 2009


i am grumpy. life on the road is getting to moi! i'm disgruntled that i left in such good shape and some of it gets torn down while traveling with the family.

i'm sure others can appreciate regression around family. i've come so far, but you'd never know it if you saw me at dinner with the bro and his wife tonight. grrrrrrrr. who was that bitchy woman with the frown?

why do i engage with them? i never win.

sometimes, i look longingly at glasses of wine. i don't do that when i'm at home. or, i'll dream that i'm drinking wine.

that's when i know it's time to reach out, so here i am, reaching to you to help me re-ground myself AND stay nice and sober.

i don't usually make gratitude lists, but i thought this would be a nice time for one. (thanks Adventures in Wanting for your gratitude lists, which inspired me to write this one.)

FRIDAY GRATITUDE (friday on this west coast, 1 am saturday back home)

-i'm in a hotel room by myself writing and get ready to take a bath

- also, about to read Linda and her Twaddle and The Topiary Cow, both of which usually have me roaring out loud. and in between those laughs, there's all sorts of great topics.

-my fiance is adorable. he packs sweet notes and nice snacks into my suitcase when i'm not looking. he's learned to buy foods i like and to not push foods i don't. overall, he listens to what i say, thinks about it and shifts his behavior. i wonder if i do that much for him. i'm pretty single-minded.

-i may not really like my job, but i have one and lots of people don't

-i have four more good books still to read in my suitcase. how great is that?

-there are so many more books to read in the world. that makes me happy.

- i love my bestfriend, eve. even though she now lives far away from me, she really is as good as the very best sister could ever be.

- nieces, nephews and cousins. shout-out to all of them, even though only one is reading this blog (hi!!!!! i will call as soon as i'm in one place. miss you)

-tootsie roll lollipops on long plane rides

- i am going home. Yippee!

THERE, i feel better. thanks everyone. time for that bath

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

kate moss and me

when kate moss said, "nothing tastes as good as skinny looks", it pushed some deeply embedded buttons.

"ooooh, she's right. look how disciplined she is", swooned my ED. "if kate moss can starve, why can't i?," ED asked, eating his heart out.

here's the thing. isn't that a question i've kind of asked you all before? didn't i worry about my momentary lust for kelly ripa's body (to own it, not romance it, of course.)? havent i confessed my discreet purchases of Vogue while in airports. and don't you know i read those articles, "how to lose weight effortlessly"?

what about all the blogs wondering why i care so about my frizzy hair, my nail color, my slightly buck teeth and saggy boobs? and HOW much does it really mean to me? say, would i miss a wedding if my hair frizzed in the rain? probably not. would i go to the same wedding without a bra -- NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

and my body. WHY DO I WANT TO BE THIN? will i accept myself if i gain weight? why can't i eat intuitively -- eat when hungry, stop when full?

well, you know the funny thing i realized the other day -- i do. without realizing it, i've been eating when hungry and stopping when full. i'm realizing that food's lost so much of its power over me, other than to feed me and please me in the moment.

it's a wonderful feeling -- so joyous. i've been sober for 7 months. wow -- didn't think i'd ever get to say that. and i'm over 2 and a half years off substances. didn't think i'd make it to say that.

but still - freedom within and around food is unbelievable. it's been about 35 years of my life.

now i must go to bed. just back from charleston, sc last night. off to LA first thing tomorrow morning.

traveling stops on saturday for three weeks. can't wait to read more of your blogs and to respond to all of you wonderful comments on mine. thank you for all your support.

hope everyone's having a peaceful december