Monday, December 28, 2009


i'm not happy. my body tells me too. my stomach hurts, my heart races, i can't think straight

and boy does red wine look good. i have to tell you that -- someone needs to know.

i'm lonely. my only close friends in nj were eve and ted. eve moved to the mid-west and ted's been strangely distant. he's been my rock my whole life and now he's kind of drifted away. how can that be?

ted held me with him through everything. the death of my parents, my dangerous addictions, everything.

i guess i didn't realize how his absence is upsetting me. could i just ask him? i'll have to think about that. he wasn't well for a while. he's in a new relationship. i guess he's just human. i don't hear anything he's say. i guess he's just human.

i'm happi-less with myself. i haven't done shit with those applications. instead, i waste hours and hours of time and spend too much money. i'm not working until next week. all this wasted time trying to comfort myself in all the wrong ways.

this mood isn't like me, usually. i used to be like this and boy did i cry. now fucking lexapro won't let me cry.

i'm hopeful for the future but afraid it won't work. impractical, i am. unproductive. messy.

do you ever feel this too?


  1. yes, i feel this.

    Listen, you should talk to ted when you feel a little better. Maybe not right his second, when you feel all over the place, but when you can - tell him that he has been your rock, and things have changed, and you miss him and stuff. A new relationship does change a person, but still. Maybe he does not know that you miss him...just my opinion.

    Also, don't be so hard on yourself. You have been really strong for a long time but no one is perfect. EVERYONE is bound to flounder from time to time.

    It really sounds like pms, could that be it? either way, take care of you. This will pass. hugs

  2. Yes, I feel this too. That's my short answer. You're not alone. My moods get really bad around my period, but I do have funks that aren't hormone-related too. I think you should talk to Ted. Why not? I think he would love to hear what he means to you... It's ok to have some lonely, sad times. And I wouldn't believe you if you said that things like wine weren't tempting. Anorexia tempts me too. I think just admitting you feel like crap can help you feel better :) Hang in there.

  3. You should talk to Ted. I'm guilty of that too, a new relationship starts and you let slide other people. Sometimes you don't even see it happening but talk to him.

    Hang in there! you can make it through this and come out the other side stronger. Holidays are always a little stressful.

  4. I'm sorry for your loss of a friend, I know how hard that can be. I think you should talk to him- it might clear some things up!

    I feel that way a lot too, and I have yet to find a remedy. It'll pass, it always does, and tomorrow will come. It'll will be brighter and bigger and happier. Trust me. :)

  5. Alas, Cow is going against the others here and say, when you are fragile and feeling bad already, the worst possible thing to do is try to talk to somebody who's been distancing themselves for whatever reason.

    Because, if, for whatever reason he doesn't want to hang out with you, it will really hurt your feelings and make you feel worse when you don't have the resources to deal with it.

    Cow thinking so much of life is whether you have backup or not--strong family, good job, good skills, whatever, to fall back on and rely on. If you don't have this it makes you more vulnerable to hurt.

    This is just a hard time for everybody who for whatever reason, is not fitting the traditional mold of married happiness with children.

    Cow thinks dealing with one thing: holiday loneliness, should not be compounded with a second thing: being hard on yourself for wasting time or being less productive than you want to be.

    It's hard to live without being influenced by society--and society seems to push us all to "entertainment" instead of studying...

    Don't have the answer but know that self-criticism isn't usually helpful, maybe a game plan, goal setting, all that good stuff?

    Cow wishes Weight all the best, thanks her for her understanding and insight in her posts and blogging, and hopefully new and wonderful things and people in the new year.

    Heartfelt Moo!

  6. Oh, boy do I feel like this. And I'm very sorry that you do. You travel a lot, that can be very isolating. Lonely. It makes you vulnerable to the things that you think might bring you comfort and numbness. But the only thing these things will serve to bring you is self loathing, should you give in to them.

    me? I just deal with it the best I can, and feel myself getting more and more distanced from anything that might bring me real joy or comfort. And since I have no idea what to do to bring myself out of it, I have no clear answers for you, and for that I'm sorry.

    I do hope it gets better.

  7. Cow hoping it gets better too...hang in there...

  8. I feel that way too sometimes. And I agree you should talk to Ted. I'm somewhat like Ted right now, I've pulled away from all of my friends because I'm in so deep in my own issues and I don't have energy to deal with anyone. But not one of my friends has asked me if anything is wrong, or why I'm not connecting with them anymore. They just don't talk to me anymore. Maybe Ted wants someone to reach out to him? I sure do!

  9. shawna; what bothered me is that is was not pms. i just felt down AND anxious. i don't like that at all. it reminds me of my dark days, and i get scared.

    thank you so for writing. yours was the first response last night, and it really helped. really.

    kim; yes, admitting i felt like crap helped a lot. i didn't really know where to turn. blogging and getting such a supportive response was really healing.

    thanks for pointing out that it's normal to be tempted by our addictions. i forget i don't have to be perfect. perfection is a hard one to pull off.

    eating alone; holidays are STRESSFUL and this year in particular. well, actually the last few xmases have been super hard. i'm glad you pointed that out. i'm not looking to forward to new years either. i can't wait until...well, spring

    hope you are well and healing very well!

    shae adele; thank you for writing. you're so right. things do get better. i always have to remind myself about that. hard to hold on to in the moment.

    i do feel better today, but not without a lot of self talk. i like your blog, fyi. look forward to reading more.

    cow; yes, indeed. the holidays are so hard for those of us who don't have traditional family stuff. and i myself have no fond holiday memories.

    even as a youngster, i didn't really like holidays. i LOVED my birthday, however, but everything else worried me. i was just a depressed and anxious little child. on mother's day, i always worried about when my mother would die and how very sad mothers day was going to make me one day. morose, huh?

    you're right about game plans and goal setting. i bought a book on writing and am going to read a chapter a day and do the exercises. do you know WRITING DOWN THE BONES by natalie goldberg? and yes, i have to get back to those terrifying applications.


    karen; bingo. i have isolated myself. i'm not sure why, but it's time to pull out of it. i have some ideas - i just need to take some risks and get going. also, i happen to hate to leave the house when it's 14 degrees and wildly windy out.

    pulling out of funks is hard. i've stayed down for long periods of time with no relief in sight. you've been through SO much -- of course you're going to have blue periods. are you doing yoga and other good things to nurture yourself?

    i've been feeling really old lately. just washed out and like the good times were over. my dear friend said to me, "mel, you're still a young woman." boy, nothing's felt young in a while. but she's right and there's LOTS ahead.

    cow; thank you for checking back in. i do feel better. and this support has been invaluable.

    i've meaning to tell you something funny-ish. i first found your wonderful blog through linda's. i read it for a long time before commenting, because i thought you and your readers were so smart and cool and funny and sophisticated. i was intimidated and thought anything i wrote would be dumb. i'm so, so glad i got confident enough to write!!!!!!

    harriet; i do that too sometimes -- pull in so deep that no one can come near. sometimes, i think no one can understand and if they don't, i will be heartbroken. sometimes, i think no one cares enough. sometimes, i wish people would come and find me.

    i used to sit in my apartment and drink and smoke and watch tv. last night, i called a few friends and blogged. my friends called back and were completely supportive and all about me. these are women who i tend to listen to but not complain too. i don't know why. i hadn't trusted in them enough. but boy did they come through. and so did all my blogger friends.

    perhaps your friends think you want to be left alone? i hope you'll let them know you need them.

  10. I am so glad you didn't take the pms comment as offensive or as if I was blowing off yr emotions!! I really have to eliminate that as a cause of distress when i am feelin down. (For one i am way irregular and never know, and bc the horomes can have devastating affect on my mood) I was thinking maybe it was the same for you. I am glad you are doing the self talk and reaching out for support. That is a good thing and shows you are not content to wrap yourself in this funk.
    I worry about commenting, too - i relate to so much of what you write. Thank you for reaching out to your readers and sharing parts of you. I hope you feel better soon

  11. I have depressed, destructive moods that usually, but not always, come from pms. I think of it as spinning, as in my mind and emotions are spinning out of control. I have learned to somewhat control this, at least I no longer lash out and get pissed at friends for being human. Usually I exercise it off. I don't like the holidays, have nobody to kiss (nor anything good to do) for New Years, feel bad every Valentine's Day.

    Hope you feel better, glad your other non-Ted friends and blogging buddies came through.

  12. I think it's time to tell 2009 to suck it. Seriously. Say it with me, "Suck it 09!!"

    Just keep swimming, girl.

  13. Yes, I get lonely despite my unlonely life. When I saw my sister recently I realised that I was lonely in a way that is pretty hungry. It took me a few days to get on top of that awareness.

    I just wade through it. Write lists and do them like a robot. The loneliness peaks and troughs. If I blog it helps me connect with people (which is kind of strange).

    It used to worry me but now I accept that is how I am.

    Hope you feel better soon. New Year is almost here and sometimes that roll over into a new year makes a difference. Plus, it is okay to have crappity crap days.

  14. shawna; your comment was perfect-- usually it is pms. i have the worst. this felt worse. and it was the middle of the month. sorry you suffer too. doesn't it suck?

    it's comforting to know others get shy too in blogland. i think i was probably intimidated by the quality of your art when i first found your blog. your pictures are so full of meaning and on so many different levels AND you seemed much deeper than me -- i was sure whatever i said would seem so.... pedestrian.

    julie; i wish i exercised. i never have. i despise it. i think about joining a gym, but get SO shy. no one is more uncoordinated than i. but i think exercise could help me on a lot of levels.

    i don't lash out, but i do stuff down and end up with inside anger that seeps out in other ways.

    what is it about these holidays than can make/leave us depressed? i think the expectations are so high. like i always say. i LOVE summer.

    danielle mari: i've been reading your blog but the clock always runs out. i love your writing and the way you think. also too (as sarah palin would say) i can live vicariously thru you. you do more in a week than.... well, than i've ever done.

    '09 was rough in so many ways. my own life was okay but so many of my friends struggled. and the country sure did.

    i gotta ask-- who would want to be president?

    linda; that's exactly what i've been thinking -- it is okay to have crappity crap days. that's just life. i wasn't raised to believe that it was okay. i'm glad i'm learning.

    i have that lonely/hungry thing too. when i'm with someone who's a good listener, i'm astounded by how much i talk on and on and on. such a need.

    i have a good feeling about the new year. the last few days have had a lot of good kharma. kharma, kharma, kharma chameleon. (i don't know y, but i just had to write that. it must have been over 25 years since that song came out. ahhh, nostalgia.)

    ....back from that stream of consciousness. happy new year!!!! i can't remember -- do you have it before or after us?

  15. Hope you are getting through the New Year Eve okay. By the way Cow's email is on her profile page, feel free to drop a line if you ever want to, but mention that you've written in a post so I will check that email address (it's not one I check too often.

    Cow, for one, feels better not only reading your post but also the replies, to know that many women are struggling with these thoughts and issues. Cow thinks you are very brave to let it all hang out!

    So happy you now feel free to post as well as read the humble Land of Topiary, really, you are just as smart and funny and clever as anyone, you know! Thank you for the story!

    Please accept a leafy wave of greenest Topiary to brighten your New Year's celebrations, and hope that the New Year comes shapely, green carefully trimmed into a cute shape, and possibly decorated with lights!

    2010 Moo!

  16. Oh, thank you for the sweet compliment! The feeling is moo-too-ull!

  17. i'm* not happy. my* body tells me* too. my* stomach hurts, my* heart races, i* can't think straight

    and boy does red wine look good. i* have to tell you that -- someone needs to know.

    i'm* lonely. my* only close friends in nj were eve and ted. eve moved to the mid-west and ted's been strangely distant. he's been my* rock my* whole life and now he's kind of drifted away. how can that be?

    ted held me* with him through everything. the death of my* parents, my* dangerous addictions, everything.

    i* guess i* didn't realize how his absence is upsetting me*. could i* just ask him? i'll* have to think about that. he wasn't well for a while. he's in a new relationship. i* guess he's just human. i don't hear anything he's say. i* guess he's just human.

    i'm* happi-less with myself*. i* haven't done shit with those applications. instead, i* waste hours and hours of time and spend too much money. i'm* not working until next week. all this wasted time trying to comfort myself* in all the wrong ways.

    this mood isn't like me*, usually. i* used to be like this and boy did i* cry. now fucking lexapro won't let me* cry.

    i'm* hopeful for the future but afraid it won't work. impractical, i* am. unproductive. messy.

    do you ever feel this too?
    There is a star every place that you referred to yourself. Count them. Then consider think about doing something for others and stopping your disgusting pity party.

    You are toxic. That is why no sane man will have a relationship with you.

    You refer you yourself 30 times. Grow up!

  18. Danielle Mari: your recent posts have been relevant to me. Thank YOU!

    Fat Bastard: okay, i admit this hurt. but it's my first negative comment in a year and half, and it had to happen. of course i talk about myself, IT'S MY BLOG.

    i am not fat, which is neither here nor there. i don't puke -- hallelulah. and my lovely boyfriend can be frustratingly sane -- still he loves me.

    i checked out your blog. nice