Saturday, February 20, 2010

MSW information session

i'm visiting my family in pittsburgh. this morning i went to a wonderful MSW degree information session at the University of Pittsburgh.

although i've always wanted to get the msw and work around the eating disorder field, i never did anything about it or told anyone because i didn't think i was good enough. i thought people would laugh at me.

but no one's laughing at me. in fact, everyone i've told has says it makes sense, that i'm a good listener and very easy to talk to and i'm not judgmental.

this morning, instead of being all embarrassed about myself, i raised my hand and asked my question -- do they have field placements and are there career oppts in the eating disorder field.

YES, they have many AND they also have placements in students services at the U/Pitt and other colleges. THAT IS MY DREAM JOB!!! wow-ee.

if anyone is interested in more about the info session, let me know here or email me at

i will be on the road in san francisco next week and want to use the evenings to FINALLY apply to programs. i know i'll be tired and just want to watch the olympics BUT with my work schedule, this is one of the only times i'll have to work on apps. i plan to check in on the blog and report my progress. i do better when i'm reporting in!

i'm also going to try to find time to find a job that keeps me in one place. i just don't do as well with all this travel. i don't sleep as well or eat as well or feel as committed to my healthy lifestyle when i'm on plane after plane and dealing with time zone changes and bickering family.

it feels a little overwhelming, yet i know these are all good changes for me. it can be scarey stepping out of my little world and risking doing what i want. going to school is a big thing. but won't it be wonderful to have the chance to contribute in a field that has been such a problem for me.

i love being with my family in pittsburgh. i'm also going to love getting home for the two days i have before my next trip.

hope everyone's doing well. i'm looking forward to landing a new job, so i have more time to read blogs!!!!!!!!!

Monday, February 15, 2010

is it too fat to fly?

Director Kevin Smith was pulled off of a Southwest Air flight when told he was a safety risk due to his girth. After he was thrown off, he immediately found a seat on a different airplane -- another Southwest Air flight.

Southwest Airlines has a policy wherein a passenger that cannot fit into a seat and cannot comfortably pull down the armrests must purchase an adjoining seat. Smith usually buys two seats at a time, but on this standby flight, he only purchased one.

Smith insists that he had no problem fitting into a Southwest seat. He tweeted, "But, by their own guidelines, I was not, in fact, 2 Fat 2 Fly: the armrests came down & I could buckle my seat belt w/o an extender. So...?"

There's been a lot of response to Smith's situation. EVERYTHING i've heard personally is negative -- basically, it's his fault, he's obese, he should lose some weight, and Southwest was fine to throw him off. i heard someone say, "fat people are always so sensitive about their weight." you think?

this is a hard one for me. it's sort of a non-issue if smith did, in fact, fit into the seat. if he's not making the person next to him uncomfortable, his seat belt is buckled and the armrest is down, there shouldn't be any problem.

but what if he could not fit easily and his body crowded the person next to him. i've been in this situation, in a middle seat, with my seatmate's weight minimizing my space (and i'm really claustrophic to begin with. if i can't get an aisle seat, i'm already sweating.)

should my neighbor have been forced to buy an extra seat? what if he couldn't afford it. are you not able to fly if you're fat unless you're rich?

i don't have any answer. i was a very heavy person who feared taking up extra space on my daily bus ride. i used to curl myself in as much as possible, so i wouldn't touch the people next to me. i'd picture them complaining bitterly to themselves that my fat body was making the ride unbearable.

like i said, i don't have any answers. it would be nice if airplane seats were wider, but that's not going to happen.

it would be nice if overweight people could be treated kindly, just like everyone should be. is that ever going to happen?

Sunday, February 14, 2010


has anyone else noticed that when something smell goods, intuitive eating hightails it out the window?

i could sit happily home, not hungry, not even thinking about food, but if D. brings home a pizza, the aroma gets me drooling. next thing you know i'm heading toward the box. if i decide not to eat right then, after all i'm just not hungry, i end up with pizza on the brain.



hey, i'm here. it's about time. THANK YOU EVERYONE for your insightful comments on my last blog. i just went in and responded to all.

what a week of travel i had -- never in one place for long and always in a car or airplane with my brother and sister-in-law.

I CELEBRATED NINE MONTHS sober. wow. i never would have thought i could do that. i should seriously buy stock in lemonade.

i am going to apply for my msw. i want to work with eating disorders and addiction and also do something with education. i'd love to pack up all of us and speak to kids, from kindergarten to post-doc.

i'm pretty much planning to work for my brother until i go to school (pending my acceptance to school, of course.) i feel committed to finishing up the season. and i can't think of another job that would pay as well and not be in sales.

right now, i'm still jet-lagged, i'm over-tired, and i'm very, very hormonal, so i apologize if i ramble a bit.

thanks again to everyone. seeing your responses and reading your blogs got me thru a very long week.

nap time.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Anti Anti-Aging

i got invited to a Botox party today. but wait, aren't i 23?

uh no, i'm not 23, but that's how old i really think i am. they say your emotional growth stops at the age your addiction/ED started. i can't quite pinpoint it, but i'm still pretty immature.

when did i get to be old enough to be invited to a botox party? i don't know, but i really didn't know how much i must show my age.

there i was at the hairdressers, getting my highlights. (since i always color my hair, i couldn't tell you if it's ever gotten gray). the lady who does make-up at the salon was bored and offered to do my make-up while my color was "lifting" (i love that word. sounds so positive.)

as she applied the make-up, she got really "helpful" and showed me a cream that would help diminish the lines around my eyes. "they're not too bad yet, " she warned. "better to start using this now before they get really bad."

i didn't know i had lines around my eyes. well, maybe i did, but i didn't really NOTICE them. they're MY eyes, when did they start getting "bad".

(just an aside, the other day i was putting make-up on my niece, who really IS 23, and then I saw it -- our eyes have different skin around them. her face is like a baby's. mine......evidentally not so much.)

back to my make-up session. here come the balms and creams and lotions and vitamin repairs, all "reasonably" priced compared to the ones they sell at Macy's. well, actually they were cheaper than the ones they sell at department stores, but they were still exhorbitant, particularly as i hadn't known i'd even had these horrible lines before i got to the salon.

next we moved on to my laugh lines. while the eyes were borderline, the laugh lines were already becoming a problem. and you know what, on closer inspection, they are kind of deep. happily the same balms, lotions, creams, sprays, vitamin repairs, exfoliators, and cleansers could battle BOTH the crows feet and the laugh lines. wow, what a financial savings.

still, they could only do so much. did i want to come to Botox party with a fabulous plastic surgeon who'd demonstrate the most exciting new techniques in.... (i forget what botox does to the skin. puff it out? if it does puff out your face, what self respecting gal with an ED would sign-up to pay tons of money to fatten her face?)

i was floored. did someone just invite ME to a botox party. i feel a million years old. kaploom goes my spirit. here i'm ready to start all over and change careers and finally become the person i never got to be because i was starving, binging, purging, drinking and drugging and now i'm old?!!!

i've been moping around all day. waaa. i'll never be young again. i have crows feet. no employer will ever hire such an old bag.

as i'm moping around, i remember that every time i go to buy make-up skin cream lately, someone tries to sell me anti-wrinkle,anti-aging, anti-crows feet, anti-laugh line cream.

why? what's wrong with lines? what's wrong with age? i know i'm programmed, so i won't like it when those laugh lines deepen and the crinkles show up on my forehead, but what's so wrong with them?

i'm not spending hundreds of dollars on potions. and i'm certainly not inserting poison in my face. such a weird concept.

i pray i write this very same thing when i'm 55.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

a husky childhood

i've been ranting about the Obama's making their daughters' weight issues public. i am particularly angry with the president saying the girls had been chubby, because he looks like one of those horrifyingly naturally skinny beanpoles who force himslef to eat to keep his weight up. people like that are not allowed to comment on other people's weight. (wouldn't that make a great law?)

but then i check in with myself -- why am i so jealous of our president's metabolism? perhaps it goes back to my childhood. SO much was made of my own childhood "huskiness". it seemed like the other girls, the thin girls, had such easier lives. i prayed so hard to be thin. i'd daydream about getting sick and needing to be fed intravenously. after a few weeks of no solid food, i'd be svelte and everything would be great with my world.

i'd have that daydream all the time --i'd get really sick and lose lots of weight and then, voila, life would be amazing. warped,huh?

i'm kind of repeating myself -- i guess those feeling were so strong, IF I WERE THIN, EVERYTHING WOULD BE GREAT.

it is hard to be a fat kid. in 10th grade, i weighed 185 pounds. i remember sitting next to lovely Jennifer Esposito. the two (not particularly nice)guys in front of us always turned around and talked with us and flirted with her. one day, one of the guys, Jim, said to us, "you look really, really good today." pause. "you know i'd never be saying that to you, Melissa"

then he realized what he said and started looking horrified. he stuttered, "uh, i, uh, i'm sorry, uh, i, uh, uh, uh"

here's the worst part. from his response, i realized those words had just slipped out of his mouth, and he'd really meant what he'd said. he wanted to compliment Jen but then worried i'd think he was talking to me. but of course, that was ridiculous. he could NEVER say i was pretty.

from his horrified look, i realized he'd felt badly about what he said, but he didn't reverse what he'd said, because it was never possible that he would think i looked good. but jerky Jim HAD felt remorse for his words. he felt sorry for me. AWFUL

thirty years later i'm right there, sitting at that desk.

what would my childhood have been like if i'd been thin? my sister was thin and pretty. she was a cheerleader and had lots of boyfriends and friends. she had great boyfriends in college and then settled in with her lovely husband.

there is such a part of me that thinks her nice life stemmed from her rockin' body.

what WOULD my life have been like if i were naturally thin? imagine a childhood without diet pills, weight watchers, behavior modification specialists, therapists food monitoring, blah, blah, blah.

imagine college years NOT binging, purging and starving -- all to be thin. what if i hadn't taken to alcohol, so i'd drink and not eat. what if i hadn't learned that drinkings tons of red wine could help me purge.

imagine a life not spent jumping on scales, hanging over toilet boils, searching frantically for bathrooms after too many Ex-Lax. a life not weak from starving and peeing out too many diuretic.


i know it's wrong to believe it; i know it's wrong to ask but would my life have been better if i were naturally thin?