Monday, August 12, 2013

Am i willing to get well?

We hear a lot about wanting to recover and wanting is great, but i really believe that 'willing" is key.

Recovery isn't easy -- am i willing to do whatever it takes (to go to any lengths, as the 12 Steps say) to get well?

For much of my life, that answer was no. for years, I was absolutely NOT willing to eat anything that would make me gain weight. i was never willing to tell anyone else what i ate and certainly wasn't going to listen to anyone else's advice. Sorry every nutritionist who ever met me!

i wasn't willing to stop binging and purging, no matter that my ulcer begged me, my doctors begged me, my dentist begged me.

i wasn't willing to give up the scale or eat breakfast or give up diet soda.

so, how exactly was i supposed to recover? and what was stopping me?

My eating disorders -- compulsive eating, anorexia, bulimia -- anesthesized all my pain, anger, fear, hurt and sadness. How could i give up the only things that soothed and comforted me? starving was a balm, food was my best friend, lover and constant companion. throwing up felt like tossing out all my inner ugliness.

but considering the state of my health, mental and physical,  how could i not consider giving them up and
facing the underlying issues -- my fear, my anger, my sorrow, my hurt, my disappointments?

i'm walking that path now and what a relief,  i can face and be rid of the fears, the resentments and the pain. at the same time, i find i can eat, can live without a scale, can drink water instead of diet Coke. can live life without the constant obsession

but i have to be willing.