Thursday, April 30, 2009


Most of the women in my family are thin. very thin. skinny. I am not the latter two. i don't feel the first.

I'm feeling chubby lately. I've gained some weight, i have my period.

i'm not chubby at all, i tell myself. but i don't believe me.

having skinny family is interesting. it doesn't seem so hard for them. it's almost natural, i think. maybe it is natural. but that's not my body at all. to look like my sister, i couldn't eat again until the fall. she eats well.

all the women are healthy and energetic, successful with career and family, happily married.

they're healthier than i am, in fact. they're not ravaged by years of beating up their bodies.

as i am. damaged and feeling chubby.

why are the women in my family so thin? and i'm not. why do i want their arms, their stomach's (or lack thereof), their waistlines, their cheek bones?

the thing is -- i'm not going to have any of those things. skinny is weigh, way too hard for me. time to focus on things i can be that some real value -- what is "skinny" afterall?

why do i wish i were?

Friday, April 17, 2009

Marie Osmond and weight

in her new book MIGHT AS WELL LAUGH ABOUT IT NOW, Marie Osmond gives me a mixed message about weight. it reminds me of my own confusion.

on the one hand, Marie (hopes it's okay if i call her that) discusses being forced to diet while a teen on her variety show. she was 5'5 and 110 and told she must lose 10 pounds. Marie starved and was briefly bulimic, getting down to 93 pounds. after the show ended, marie gained some weight and spent years criticizing herself for no longer having that skinny body

She say'she's changed her beliefs and would "like to believe that we could shake the earth with thinking differently about our weight and focusing more on how true beauty comes from being healthy, both physically and emotionally."

she adds that she's decided she'll "no longer flee the thought of having a true female body" and she's going to "stand and fight for my own daughters to be healthy, no matter what their natural body size."

And then she writes about her current diet, Nutrasystem. she makes fun of her butt and herself for pretending she'd just had a little "water retention", when she started gaining weight. she got up to a whopping size 12, which isn't THAT crazy on someone 5'5 is it? i wear a size 10, and i don't think i'm huge. (well, a part of me thinks i'm huge.)

for all i'm critical of Marie, i understand. i wish i could throw my (size 10) body over young girls to protect them from the onslaught of advertising and peers. "you're fine the way you are - however you are", i'd profess loudly and proudly to anyone who'd listen.

then i'd go home and criticize my stomach.

this is a simplified summation

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

chilling about my weight

i've been eating a lot what with all the traveling, time zone changes, super-long days. at first, it really bothered me, and i obsessed. i even had an anxiety attack during lunch a few days ago.

but then i decided that if i didn't obsess or worry or care quite so much, i could actually relax and appreciate that THIS TRIP IS GOING MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED.

i can't believe it, but i'm not minding the trip. our flights were easy and on time. our hotel is lovely. the convention is much better than any we've gone to previously. i'm much more comfortable, in general. (i don't know why. wish i did.)

initially, i freaked about my food intake and weight, but then it seemed ridiculous. everything else is fine -- why mess it up with restriction and obsession?

looking back, i remember one - just one-- time in my life where i was really okay with food and weight, and it's one of my fondest memories.

i've written about my dear friend, ted, who lived with me my junior year of high school, while my mom was living with her boyfriend in nyc.

i started junior year weighing 183 pounds. over the course of the year, ted and i enjoyed lots of meals together. we ordered chinese food and pizza and ate ice cream sundaes. ted cooked pot roast and lasagna and spaghetti. (he also did the dishes.)

more than that, though, we had fun. ted taught me to drive and then let me drive him around. we picnicked most sunny afternoons, and went to a movie EVERY single day. we stayed up all night watching reruns and spent mornings at the library (big nerds!!!)

it was bliss. and you know what -- i lost 30 pounds that year, without thinking twice. i ate and i laughed and i felt safe.

so, i started senior year weighing 153. but then ted went away to college, my mother and her suck-ass boyfriend started staying at our house, and i stopped eating for a year.

i started college at 113, miserable and hungry. by the next september, i was 175.

i've been thinking about my year with ted lately. it was my least looks-obsessed and free-est time.

i'm considering a re-enactment

Sunday, April 12, 2009

peace on the road

tomorrow starts six more days of traveling. i need to handle this trip better than the last ones.

last week, i drank too much, gave into to wild PMS and raged at my brother a couple of times.

throughout the trip, i regressed and became the ten-year old i used to be -- a miserable girl with a terrible temper. as a kid, temper tantrums were my MO. i've worked very hard and very long to be a much different, much easier, much kinder adult. somehow, all the traveling sent me down a furious memory lane.

this trip, there's the added issue of my bossy sister-in-law. no matter how hard i try, we don't quite get along. she's argumentative and always tells me what to do and, of course, believes she's always right.

here's one ironic example. when we go to a restaurant, she tells me what on the menu i will like. she's always wrong, which is odd, because, of course, she's always right. (who would ever think they'd know what an extremely disordered eater would want?!!!)

how will i handle all of this better? to begin, i'm going to stop drinking. again.

a little sidebar. no one seems to understand why i keep slipping back to drinking. everyone thinks it's just awful. it doesn't bother me that much. i appreciate the clean time, knowing my body is mending. when i'm drinking, i know i drink too much and too often, but it's where i'm at at the time.

not drinking should help me. i won't have to worry about saying anything i deeply regret, which i've been doing lately after a few chardonnays. i can focus really hard on me and my sobriety -- giving me a goal and a purpose. i'll feel better about myself, physically and emotionally.

focussing on sobriety for my health, i usually eat better. i've been feeling like a human trash can -- all this eating and drinking with abandon -- ie, potato chips, pretzels and pinot grigio for dinner.

eating in my room. we'll be at a convention, where i'll be surrounded by free food all day. i know i'll eat more than i'd usually like BUT i won't go to any big, huge dinners with my family. i can order a nice tunafish sandwich in the room, take a bath, talk on the phone, watch Dancing with the Stars.

another perk of eating in my room. i won't be out at a gorgeous restaurant where every single person is sipping cabernet. much easier to stay sober in the bathtub than at the Four Seasons.

and i can go to bed earlier sleep deprivation was a huge issue last trip. if i'm not out at one of the five course eating fest, i can be snoozing on the many pillows most hotels supply.

i've also got a working laptop, so i can stay in touch and have people to "talk" to when i'm struggling. i have six books and my journal.

And i'm going to breathe and see what happens. breathe BEFORE i react.

i'll keep you all in the loop. i want to keep my head straight, my body healthy and my heart comforted.

Thursday, April 9, 2009


i am really home? it seems impossible.

We were in Idaho, Nebraska, Chicago, Florida, New Jersey, Louisiana and back to Florida. In the last eight days. With LONG layovers in Washington, Atlanta, Seattle, New York, Chicago.

We traveled more than expected, and i ran out of clean clothes. YUCK!

My laptop died, leaving me out of touch with my world.

usually, we'd see a client in one state, head to the airport and land in some other state around midnight.

My brother and I were never quite sure where we were or what day it was.

i don't think i've ever looked so old. it scared me. i was massively sleep-deprived, dried out from airplane air AND i've been drinking the last few weeks.

drinking stops after easter, for vanity's sake alone. i really look lumpy, bloated and pale.

but so glad to be home. i slept eight beautiful hours last night. i took a bath in my own bathtub this morning.

i almost have my barings back.

i can't believe we're traveling again next week Monday thru Saturday.