Wednesday, April 15, 2009

chilling about my weight

i've been eating a lot what with all the traveling, time zone changes, super-long days. at first, it really bothered me, and i obsessed. i even had an anxiety attack during lunch a few days ago.

but then i decided that if i didn't obsess or worry or care quite so much, i could actually relax and appreciate that THIS TRIP IS GOING MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED.

i can't believe it, but i'm not minding the trip. our flights were easy and on time. our hotel is lovely. the convention is much better than any we've gone to previously. i'm much more comfortable, in general. (i don't know why. wish i did.)

initially, i freaked about my food intake and weight, but then it seemed ridiculous. everything else is fine -- why mess it up with restriction and obsession?

looking back, i remember one - just one-- time in my life where i was really okay with food and weight, and it's one of my fondest memories.

i've written about my dear friend, ted, who lived with me my junior year of high school, while my mom was living with her boyfriend in nyc.

i started junior year weighing 183 pounds. over the course of the year, ted and i enjoyed lots of meals together. we ordered chinese food and pizza and ate ice cream sundaes. ted cooked pot roast and lasagna and spaghetti. (he also did the dishes.)

more than that, though, we had fun. ted taught me to drive and then let me drive him around. we picnicked most sunny afternoons, and went to a movie EVERY single day. we stayed up all night watching reruns and spent mornings at the library (big nerds!!!)

it was bliss. and you know what -- i lost 30 pounds that year, without thinking twice. i ate and i laughed and i felt safe.

so, i started senior year weighing 153. but then ted went away to college, my mother and her suck-ass boyfriend started staying at our house, and i stopped eating for a year.

i started college at 113, miserable and hungry. by the next september, i was 175.

i've been thinking about my year with ted lately. it was my least looks-obsessed and free-est time.

i'm considering a re-enactment


  1. Yes! a re-enactment of a free-est time would be lovely :)

  2. Sounds like a brilliant plan, my friend.

    I am wishing I can remember what my life was like before the evil scarecrow entered it. I wish I could just erase the memory of him from my mind forever.

    How is Ted? Hopefully he is well these days.

  3. That sounds like such a great memory to look back upon. I kind of had a time like that once, but it was more like a few days.

  4. It's so great that you have that time for reference! You know you CAN be free of the obsession. It's not easy. It's not like you can just suddenly not obsess...but it sounds like you're able to compartmentalize a bit and set aside your food/weight worries to try to enjoy the moment. That's a BIG deal! Glad the travels are going well :)

  5. It is a nice feeling when the body issue takes a back seat and you can relax. I have days like that and it seems an enormous relief. I am glad the trip is enjoyable for you. I get the feeling you deserve it actually.

  6. saa; i agree. it's hard to remember feeling free. now, EVERYTHING is so... considered.

    i wonder when your free-est time was.

    karen; i wish the evil scarecrow would move to siberia on work detail. is that mean?

    ted's doing okay. he's finally leaving a bad relationship after TWENTY ONE years. i hope he finds some peace in his own apartment, being able to take care of himself, for once.

    just eat it: i hope your best memories are ahead then. maybe if you start young you can be healthier later? i don't know. really, really hope so.

    kim; thanks. i'm surprised at how well this trip has gone EVEN THOUGH i'm eating twice my usual amount, my pants are uncomfortably tight and i'm in all sorts of difficult food scenarios. hm, hope it lasts!!!!!

    linda; it is nice that i can forget about the food and body for a bit. especially, since the last three days at the convention have long, boring and exhausting. i'm so surprised at how well i've managed.

    gotta run. my brother wants dinner. some things never change!!!!

  7. It would be so nice to go back to those times when we didn't obsess about the scale, every piece of food that goes into our mouths, and how many calories we're burning.

    Ahhh, those were the days...though they were quite long ago for me.

  8. PTC; thanks for stopping by the blog. yes, it would be so nice to not obsess about the scale, every piece of food and calories.

    those days were many years ago for me too. i feel like i'm survivor -- some how or other i will reclaim some aspect of that time. hope you do too!