i've been eating a lot what with all the traveling, time zone changes, super-long days. at first, it really bothered me, and i obsessed. i even had an anxiety attack during lunch a few days ago.
but then i decided that if i didn't obsess or worry or care quite so much, i could actually relax and appreciate that THIS TRIP IS GOING MUCH BETTER THAN EXPECTED.
i can't believe it, but i'm not minding the trip. our flights were easy and on time. our hotel is lovely. the convention is much better than any we've gone to previously. i'm much more comfortable, in general. (i don't know why. wish i did.)
initially, i freaked about my food intake and weight, but then it seemed ridiculous. everything else is fine -- why mess it up with restriction and obsession?
looking back, i remember one - just one-- time in my life where i was really okay with food and weight, and it's one of my fondest memories.
i've written about my dear friend, ted, who lived with me my junior year of high school, while my mom was living with her boyfriend in nyc.
i started junior year weighing 183 pounds. over the course of the year, ted and i enjoyed lots of meals together. we ordered chinese food and pizza and ate ice cream sundaes. ted cooked pot roast and lasagna and spaghetti. (he also did the dishes.)
more than that, though, we had fun. ted taught me to drive and then let me drive him around. we picnicked most sunny afternoons, and went to a movie EVERY single day. we stayed up all night watching reruns and spent mornings at the library (big nerds!!!)
it was bliss. and you know what -- i lost 30 pounds that year, without thinking twice. i ate and i laughed and i felt safe.
so, i started senior year weighing 153. but then ted went away to college, my mother and her suck-ass boyfriend started staying at our house, and i stopped eating for a year.
i started college at 113, miserable and hungry. by the next september, i was 175.
i've been thinking about my year with ted lately. it was my least looks-obsessed and free-est time.
i'm considering a re-enactment