Thursday, April 30, 2009


Most of the women in my family are thin. very thin. skinny. I am not the latter two. i don't feel the first.

I'm feeling chubby lately. I've gained some weight, i have my period.

i'm not chubby at all, i tell myself. but i don't believe me.

having skinny family is interesting. it doesn't seem so hard for them. it's almost natural, i think. maybe it is natural. but that's not my body at all. to look like my sister, i couldn't eat again until the fall. she eats well.

all the women are healthy and energetic, successful with career and family, happily married.

they're healthier than i am, in fact. they're not ravaged by years of beating up their bodies.

as i am. damaged and feeling chubby.

why are the women in my family so thin? and i'm not. why do i want their arms, their stomach's (or lack thereof), their waistlines, their cheek bones?

the thing is -- i'm not going to have any of those things. skinny is weigh, way too hard for me. time to focus on things i can be that some real value -- what is "skinny" afterall?

why do i wish i were?


  1. "why do i wish i were?"

    I ask myself that every day. If I ever come up with an answer, I'll let you know.

  2. You wish you were skinny because we are bombarded with images in all media, that to be successful, beautiful and popular, you need to be thin. It's rubbish. 99% of these images have some form of CGI or Photoshop and we are striving to conform to an unattainable 'ideal'.

    I have gained some weight recently. Everybody who sees me tells me how wonderful and healthy I look. It craws at me inside, but I accept the compliments graciously. Perhaps if I open my ears and actually absorb the compliments I'll eventually start to believe them and not the numbers on the scale or on my dress sizes.

    And I bet you are beautiful...

  3. I agree with Annie. It's the media. I was thin my entire life, and now that I'm in my 40's, I've gained some weight and am keeping it. I don't feel thin anymore, but I do feel healthier. I watched "The Changeling" last night, and the image of Ms. Jolie in that movie alarmed me. She was SO painfully thin, it was difficult to watch her. I'd never want to be that thin again. She looked as if she would pass out at any moment. If she looked that skeletal on film, imagine how thin she is in real life. Too thin.

    I'll bet you are beautiful too. But that voice inside you needs to realize it too.

  4. I feel like I have the opposite problem. My family is on the stocky side (Italian), and I feel like I've been trying to fight biology and genetics my whole life.

  5. I have to agree with Annie too. There are so many messages out there, saying that thin = better. We associate thin women with "having it together." We consider them successful. By absorbing these ideas, we think that by gaining weight or being "chubby" or simply not being a matchstick, we are incompetent failures. You are beautiful as you are. That's all I know.

  6. lisa: i hear you. i'm a perfectly fine, healthy weight. lots of people would probably like to weigh what i do. any doctor would tell you i'm at an ideal weight for my height. do i buy any of this? not so much.

    annie: yes, everyone tells me i look great too. my boyfriend (who's learned a lot since he's met me) tells me NOT to lose weight -- i'm perfect. (i'm always, always complaining that i need to lose weight. what a drag to listen to!)

    i'm glad you're looking healthier. i hope that's because you are healthier. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! and you have great boots.

    Karen; i always wonder about celebrities who are SO, SO thin now but didn't used to be. Angelina Jolie used to be a much more normal weight. i don't think her current weight could be so natural.

    Tina: my family's actually on the stocky side too, and i definetely fight our healthy russian peasant stock's stockiness. only several women are so thin. (p.s., they weren't so thin years ago.) everyone else carries some weight.

    it's disturbing how much i want to be naturally thin. i wish i spent so much time wanting to have a full life.

    kim: thank you. i wonder why thin=better. it's sadistic. masochistic. sad.

  7. I have a friend who is naturally skinny. But she hates it. She does not exercise so she is flabby. She has high cholesterol irrespective of her thinness. She hates the wide gap at the top of her thighs. Hates her boney arms, her bumpy spine and ribs that show. Hates her flat bum. If she gets sick she loses weight and it takes ages to put back on. She hates her androgynous body and would love a waist. Hates seeing her body naked. Hates how being thin is aging once you get into your mid forties.

    But she loves that clothes hang so well on her and that is what she calls a good payoff for everything else.

    All very strange.

  8. God, I appreciate your honesty so much. I can relate on so many levels.

    After a year of starving and fainting, I looked comparable to my naturally skinny bf...and felt so weak and angry...and really WHERE do you direct that anger?

    i know there are a million emotional components but sometimes it just comes down to "i just want to be thin." STILL.

  9. Linda: of course, i'm thinking -- i'll take that body, spiff it up with some time on the treadmill, and realize the joy of losing weight and having trouble putting it back on. woo hoo. but, i have perfect cholesterol. and my boyfriend would miss my boobs. (okay, much as i complain about their droopiness - i'd miss them too.) it is, indeed, all very strange.

    saa; isn't it exhausting to have so many thoughts going at once -- i want to thin, i know that's a strange but all-consuming desire, still i want to be thin, but i know so many more things are much more important, like i was saying -- i want to thin, even though it's so impossible emotionally and physically and life would be so much easier if it didn't matter even just a little bit less. and still, you know what i'm saying...?

    hope to read about how you're doing soon. YOUR blog is so honest. thinking of you.