Saturday, May 1, 2010

age and my weight loss

again, i hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i have lost weight and need some support to get back to where i was. as i re-read what i've written, i fear it could be fairly triggering. i just need to tell someone.

i'm back from a trip to boston. boston was great -- we had time for tours and did tons of walking. i thought i ate a lot. regular lunches and good dinners, but when i got home, i'd lost another pound and a half.

i also drank a fair amount of red wine, which i'll get to later. that usually adds weight.

it's 88 degrees here. i put on one of my cute sleeveless dresses from last summer, and i looked awful. there is so much excess flabby skin around my upper arms. i looked like a very, very old woman. it scared me.

it looked so bad that i changed into a dress with some sleeves.

i got a massage the other day and the masseuse asked if i'd lost a lot of weight, as i had so much excess skin. (i wasn't really comfortable with her comments, but still...) i told her that i'd recently lost about ten pounds, and she said, "oh it seems like much, much more." OUCH.

it's different with age. when i was younger, my weight fluctuated huge amounts -- i'd gain 60, lose 70, gain 50, lose 40.... and my body was resilient. it sure isn't now.

i wonder if i've done permanent damage. i don't exercise -- maybe some weights would helps? if i gain back some weight, will it plump up my arms?

but i'm talking about exterior things here. what's going on inside? i have been really stressed and find i really don't have an appetite and then i guess i let that take over.

and it's sooo tempting -- this weight loss. even though i look icky-ish, somewhere, deep down in my brain and heart, i believe that skinny is best. it's sick!!!!!!

when i got back from my trip, i assumed i would have gained weight, because i really did eat and drink. but i knew i didn't want to have gained weight, even though i need to. when i saw the weight loss, i was....happy.

it's a distraction. the wine's a sedative.

i actually got my doctor to give me a few klonopin, because i was beside myself and i hoped that klonopin could make me feel better and help me relax enough to eat.

my doctor and my therapist made me promise and swear that i wouldn't drink. i promised and swore. and i drank.

i finished the klonopin. i didn't abuse it -- took it as directed. and it really helped.

now, i'm going to cut back the drinking from the three glasses of wine i've been having almost every day. and then i must get back on antabuse and stop drinking.

it's all so hard. but i have great hope. i won't give up. i just need to figure some things out -- ie, how to eat normally again.

thanks for listening. i've been feeling isolated.