Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Do I have to be thin?

When i think about working in the Eating Disorders field, i wonder what i should weigh, and does it matter?

during my worst struggling anorexic years, i couldn't take seriously a professional who carried "extra" weight. In fact, i found an over-weight person's suggestions frightening. why on earth would i do what they told me?

now, of course, i understand that anyone/everyone can help me. and there's nothing wrong with carrying any amount of weight.

but what about the still-suffering client? will she listen to me if she doesn't like how i look -- if it made her uncomfortable?

I worried, too, when i was still a little too thin. would i give a bad impression and look as though i were still disordered in my eating? as my weight climbed, i kept in mind that this new look was a better role model for my teenaged niece, who fights her own battles. how could i tell her she was beautiful and perfect, no matter how much she weighed, when i still looked a little boney?

but then is there only a very narrow amount that i can weigh?

i've always thought i'd have to be one exactly perfect weight (with a few pound fluctuation) for anyone to listen to me about eating disorders. but there i go again, putting myself in a tiny box where there's one teeeny, tiny area where i'm okay.

What do you guys think?

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Big Beautiful Women

I get girl crushes on larger sized women -- i wish i felt the freedom to be one myself.

my body longs to be free. as i've mentioned before, when i've really left myself alone, my weight climbs and climbs -- all my Russian peasant stock ancestors were bigger folks, and i know that's what my body wants too. of course, i won't let it.

in the past, i posted pictures of gorgeous fuller-sized women on my refrigerator for encouragement. at my most anorexic, a glowing plus-sized model could make me weep. when i wore a size nothing, i'd buy Mode magazine for plus-sized women, and i'd pray for the courage and strength to let my body be where it belonged. Model Kate Dillon, in particular, was my glorious hero. she'd struggled horribly to meet the weight demands of the regular modeling world, but now worked so successfully at her body's larger natural size.

My boss, Ann, is exquisite -- distractingly beautiful. She's nearly 6' and fantastically strong. she, of course, thinks she's fat and has no confidence at all, but i find her eye candy. when she stands to her full height, with her waist length hair high in a pony tail and her cowboy boots planted firmly on the ground, i just think there's no better looking woman around.

i've written before about taking my niece shopping last year at Lane Bryant, where i felt absolutely at home -- to me, these were my peeps. i was the exact weight for this store when i was in my teens and part of 20s and then later 30s, but i never shopped there. instead, i'd try to deny my size and embark on my incredibly unhealthy process of slaving off the weight.

i wonder where i'd be if i'd learned to accept myself at a larger size. instead of dieting madly my whole life, what if i'd found Lane Bryant for myself and let myself be?

what does any of this mean for me now?

Friday, July 1, 2011

The Scale: Part 1. Trillion, that is

Yes, i got another Scale last month -- i really should buy stock in Scales. no one can count as high as the number i've bought(and thrown out) in my life.

i got The Scale because of the ten pounds i'd recently gained -- no matter how much i talked to myself, i couldn't convince myself that i wouldn't keep gaining weight until i exploded. unless, of course, i had A Scale. no matter what i said to myself about my body regulating to where it needed to be, i was absolutely convinced i'd keep gaining weight until i exploded. unless, of course, i had The Scale.

since i've had The Scale, my weight has stayed in the same few pound range. but how can i really know, as The Scale seems to have issues.

This morning i jumped on it, and it gave me a number and then an error message. so, i got on twice more, and i was seven pounds less than the original number. i walked away all happy -- woo hoo. but i didn't trust this number, as it did seem a little low. hopped on twice more -- four pounds up.

i decided to pick the middle number, as it seemed the most reasonable.


this is ridiculous. once more, i am chucking The Scale. It doesn't know my weight any better than i do. how can i put faith in a stupid machine that gives me 3 different readings, ranging 7 pounds, along with an Error message?

how indeed. here we go again. this is getting very, very old