Thursday, June 30, 2011

The Boyfriend's Weight

My guy friend is losing weight. He's fairly thin to begin with, but he always had this sweet little belly. Now, he's losing weight.

Mike is a contractor and this is his crazy, busy time of year. He's doing very physical labor, very long hours, seven days a week, in the heat. When he gets home, he's often too tired to eat much of anything. Of course he's losing weight!

Last night, i saw him, and his clothes were just hangin'. His face looks really lean and that dear little belly -- not to be found.

where does this leave me?

Mike's always been just a little bigger for his size than i am for mine.
But now, i've gained 10 pounds since he met me, and his weight is dropping. i don't like this. Although somewhere in my sane mind, i know it's not important, i still don't like it!

Mike seems exactly as attracted to me as he's always been.
frankly, he's too tired right now to notice too much of anything. i doubt he's actually noticed he's lost weight -- he just pulls his belt tighter.

i'm sure i'm annoying him -- i keep asking him if he's lost weight (duh, just look at his droopy jeans and sallow face.) he never knows -- he's really too busy to think about it, and i know he DOESN'T think about it or care.

I'm the problem here.

I wonder how you all feel about your significant's weight. Do you have feelings about your sibling's weights? friends? parents?

I know this is wrong, but i want the belly back.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Ed Cycle

Sometimes i feel like I live my life in the belly of this beast. i'm going along dandily, and then something comes up and drags me into ED territory. it's just a brief visit these days, but old thoughts can still creep in. I see this on other blogs too -- we're doing well, eating our meals and snacks, dodging the laxative aisle, ignoring the scale and then, seemingly suddenly, we're not. it's important to remember, tho, that we've had the good days, we've done "this", we know how to do it, and we'll do it again. Yet, our ED habits are pretty deeply ingrained and in many ways, even worshipped, and so it's normal that they will slip back in at times.

yesterday, i ate a very large lunch -- WAY more than usual and a lot more than my hunger required. i was tired and bored and, so, began eating mindlessly. i found myself barely chewing and hardly tasting, like in the binge days of yore.

happily, these are new days and i stopped after simply eating a very big lunch - not unlike what normal people do occasionally.

still, it's not easy. my mind starts up,

"Melissa, what was that? Keep that up and not one piece of clothing will fit by tonight."

"Piggy, now you're not entitled to eat again until tomorrow night."

"what's wrong with you? why aren't you perfect?"

"hmmm, laxatives would help this situation you've gotten yourself into"

I'm astonished that these voices can still fill my brain after all the work i've done. The good news - I DIDN'T LISTEN. instead, i spent the rest of the day gently calming and encouraging myself and telling myself to GET ON WITH LIFE.

And that's the point, isn't it -- GETTING ON WITH LIVING. Our eating disorders seem to stop the process. We're all involved in calories and weight and BMIs and food and.....

In the old days, there were plenty of ways i would have dealt with my big lunch. i would have continued eating to a full fledged, giant binge; then thrown up and started binging again; and taking laxatives, followed by locking myself in my house until i'd purged and starved myself down to a weight i considered acceptable in order to walk out the front door and into the world.

Yesterday, i put down my fork, got back to work and finished the day. after work i ran home, took a fast shower and drove to pick up an elderly friend who goes to the same AA meeting as i do. i was able to enjoy the meeting without obsessing about lunch and weight and then drove my friend to his house and me to mine.

i got on with life and lived it exactly as i would have any other day.

Sometimes, i still find myself in the Belly of that Beast, but now i move on.

Confidence: Body Style

Sunday, I went to a local lake with two friends, ages 50 and 29. (i'm 47.) we are probably around the same weights for our respective heights. (i'm 5'6 and 135.)

After an hour of hanging, the sun finally came out and almost in unison we pulled off our cover-ups. Both of them were wearing bikinis. My tank suit basically covered me from neck to as far down on my thighs as I could pull it. My other suit has a skirt.

i haven't worn a bikini since i was eight (it was pink with white polka dots), when i decided i had a huge belly. From then on, no matter how tiny i was (WAY TOO TINY), I still believed with 100% of my body and soul that my belly was way too big for this world, let alone a bikini!

It's nearly 40 years since i donned that little polka dot number, and i still have no desire to wear a bikini, BUT i do have a burning desire to finally have some confidence in this body that's bravely walked me thru life these last 47 years, no matter how badly i abused it.

i say i want to set an example for the next generations, helping younger women to feel wonderful about their bodies of all shapes and sizes. How can i be an example when i ridicule my "droopy" breasts, "blobby" stomach, "flat, wide" ass, "wide" hips and "bulgey" thighs?

I've got some work ahead! it won't be easy, but it will be healthy!!!! and well worth it, i'm sure

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Daily

i haven't posted in a while, mostly because there's not much to report, which -- in a lot of ways -- is pretty good.

i get up early, go to work, run errands, go to an AA meeting, eat dinner, take a bath and go to bed.

not very exciting, but that, in fact, is the good news. My life used to be FILLED with drama. everything bothered me or hurt me or thrilled me or devastated me. now, i like cleaning my little apartment, reading in the bath tub and enjoying the nice weather.

simplicity is pretty cool.

Monday, June 6, 2011

My Bosses and their Bodies

My two bosses (the owners) are wealthy sisters. One is 44, the other is 38. They live in Manhattan and have socialite lifestyles.

They also come in completely hungover a lot and love their Xanax. They constantly regale us all with stories of their drunken ventures. It's a little weird for me, considering my history with drugs and alcohol.

They also talk about diets ALL DAY LONG. Ann is on the Cookie Diet, but eats everything else all day long and then endlessly complains how fat she is. Mary walks around pinching her stomach and talking about her trainers. One day she'll eat only grapefruit, the next she'll eat the refrigerator.

I'm starting to wonder, though, if they don't throw up after they eat. I know Mary's thrown up when she's hungover, and when i've gone into the bathrooom after she makes that grand announcement, the toilet seat is sticky. (sorry for the TMI.) i'm not sure why it's sticky, but i think maybe she clutches the seat with lotioned hands? anyway, i've noticed lately that she runs to the bathroom a lot, stays in there for a long time and then the seat is sticky again.

Ann's been spending a lot of time in the bathroom lately too. Last Friday, the workers had to wait 1/2 an hour to get paid, because she was in there that long.

At first, all this confused me. What the heck am i, Ms. Everything Disorder, doing sitting next to these women. Now, i just feel sad for them. This can't be a happy life.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

At the Detox

i spoke about AA at the Detox again last night. i don't remember the last time i felt so - present.

When i'm there, it seems just the right place to be. i am comfortable speaking (i'm usually kind of nervous)and the time flies by.

i also find that i truly care about the audience -- i'm there for them, it's not about me, which is a nice break from my usual worries of all about me: my job, money, relationship, weight, blah, blah.

i've decided to look into careers working with substance and alcohol abuse. there seem to be certificates you can earn to get started in the field. i'm concerned about low salary; however, we'll see what i learn as i begin the research. if i can pay my bills on the salary, there's so much extra i can cut out of my spending.

i'm excited!!!! imagine doing something i care passionately about!!!!!!! (hard to imagine at the moment.)

it's been a tough road, career wise these days. but now i feel like i have something to work toward and dream about and plan for, and things feel a lot easier to take.

i'm all for that!