Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The New Appetite Suppressant

Just read an article called "The Skinny on the new Diet Pill" about Belviq, a new appetite-control drug.

The odd thing is that when i was eating compulsively (and would easily have been considered obese), i NEVER ate out of appetite or physical hunger.

Food meant comfort, (temporary comfort, which is why i kept eating -- i only felt soothed whilei eating. The minute i stopped swallowing, all the emotional pain came back.) That's what i did my whole life -- i ate, hoping to soothe.

And i ate so often, I never actually had any hunger to control

I did have one happy year between compulsive eating and constant starving. It was junior year of high school. My mom was living in Manhattan with her boyfriend and i was in NJ living with my dearest, best friend Frank, who was two years older and had taken a year off between high school and college.

i loved Frank more than anyone and knew he loved me unconditionally. We had a great year. I played hooky much of the time and he and i hung out in the park, he taught me to drive, we went to movies every day and we ate together.

Yet, i was so content, I ate naturally. without thinking or trying, i began to lose weigh, without thinking or trying t. i also began, for the first time, to make friends in school and to enjoy myself and to think of things other than food

For once, I felt safe and secure and lived in a happy home.

Senior year, Frank left for college and my mom came back to Jersey with the really awful boyfriend.

Out went peace, ease, tender loving care and using food for tasty fuel. Back came food as loving mother, caring lover, best friend and everything else in between.

Except for junior year, i NEVER ate from appetite or hunger. i ate for comfort.

Does the new appetite-suppressing pill come with a loving family, dear friends and a therapist?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

My Family's Food Writing

I do enjoy good food writing -- the authors have such warm and lovely relationships with food (and the writing is usually quite good.)

Often in good food writing, the author will call to mind gorgeous memories of meals from youth. Their own mouths water remembering their mother's pies, their father's barbecue and grandma's meatballs.

When i call to mind early meals, i think of large, fast consumption and larger fights. We stuffed down meals along with all the bad feelings between my parents and passed down to us.

Food was used to anesthetize all our emotional pain (physical pain too -- feed a cold, feed a fever, feed a broken leg.)

i don't have fond memories of anything my parents made, although they were both excellent cooks -- my mother could make a brisket like nothing anyone's ever tasted and there were no more fluffy pancakes than my dad's. i knew they tasted good, but i just remember furiously stuffing and stuffing down whatever was put in front of me. no amount was ever enough to make me feel better.

Now, i pick up a fine chef's or restaurant critic's musings on food and meals and I relax into a place where food is cherished and nourishing and beloved. it's nice

Thursday, August 9, 2012

The End of Money

By the end of next month, I will have spent every last penny my mother left me when she died six years ago. Hard to believe I could just plow through it, saving absolutely nothing.

I'm curious why i lived in the lap of luxury for six years, barely saying "no" to myself, but i did.

All I have is right now to start making changes and, of course, I don't have a choice. whether i like it or not, I must learn to live within my means. I don't even have any credit, so driving myself into debt (fortunately) isn't an option.

Anyone got any suggestions about budgeting?

Tuesday, August 7, 2012


Life's been rather over-scheduled for the last week -- between work, AA commitments, volunteer work, family stuff etc., i've barely had time to wash my hair, let alone run an errand or do laundry or get to the bank.

i particularly dislike the days when i leave my house at 6:30 am for work and don't get home until 11 pm or so. That's how life's looked the last week. My hair's getting kind of dirty.

The guy I date has the same commitments as I do, so we've seen each other all the time for the last week.

i've lived alone for so many years and mostly, i grew up with just my mom and me in the house. With that history, I've gotten used to lots and lots of time to myself. It kind of feels mandatory

i (blissfully) thought i'd have tonight to myself but had forgotten about an AA commitment, which i like -- working with family members of alcoholics. i co-lead this meeting with a friend who doesn't drive, so i'm picking him up right after work and driving right to the meeting, which is an hour from my house..

After driving my friend home at the end of the night, i should get home around...........11.

Throw in PMS, and i am getting pretty cranky. i feel desperate for time to myself.

How do mother's do it -- women who report not having a moment to themselves even to pee? i guess i'd make a very, very cranky mother.

the great news -- i don't have any plans for the next two nights. What a luxury to vacuum and take out my trash and sort through mail.

Clean hair here I come!

Monday, August 6, 2012

Observing Food and Weight

I do study how other women react to food and eating and their bodies.

Misery around food and weight ruled so many years of my life, i'm fascinated by what others experience/d.

From the Biggest Loser to the Food Network and everything/one in between, what do we think and feel?

Today, when I got the Post Office, I asked the woman behind the window how she was and she said, "i'm great now, i just had the best BLT". and she beamed. No guilt.

My boss talked about Taco Bell ALL morning. She couldn't wait for lunch and kept reminding me over and over what she wanted and how she wanted it ordered. "I can't even wait for lunch" rang out all morning.

Once i brought the food back, she gulped it happily until it was gone and then, "i'm so full. i can't believe i ate all that. i'm so fat".

It's "i'm so fat", that rang out all afternoon.

Our bookkeeper, Mavis, eats with love and joy -- lots and lots of fried food. She's diabetic and has high blood pressure and cholestrol, but that's her doctor's problem -- Mavis loves her food, and she couldn't care less that she's a large woman.

i have another colleague who's on The Cookie Diet -- all she eats is special cookies all day and then protein and vegetables at night.

My friend is on Weight Watchers, my cousin does Atkins.

I'm fascinated.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Excuses - Food and Weight

Dealing with a few stressors - I dropped a couple of pounds without trying.

Throughout the day today, as i start to worry about real issues, i think -- "well at least i dropped 2.5 pounds."

that's really old brain patterning -- thinking about my weight and not dealing with my problems.

Two and a half fewer pounds is NOT going to make my financial worries go away! is NOT going to make my boyfriend less angry. is not going to solve career frustrations.

Yet, some still dysfunctional voice in my head says, "but at least you lost the 2.5. without even trying"

I spent nearly all of my life avoiding facing and dealing with real life. i lived in my own fantasy world made up of a scale, laxatives and steamed vegetables. And so i never built a career, a meaningful relationship and turned to drugs and alcohol, spent myself into bankruptcy.... i'd do anything to avoid reality and, thus, had nothing to show for all my years of living.

What I do have is today to begin to act responsibly and make the necessary changes i need to support myself and develop honest relationships and find meaningful work.

What I can do today is start this process - no matter what i weigh.