Sunday, April 12, 2009

peace on the road

tomorrow starts six more days of traveling. i need to handle this trip better than the last ones.

last week, i drank too much, gave into to wild PMS and raged at my brother a couple of times.

throughout the trip, i regressed and became the ten-year old i used to be -- a miserable girl with a terrible temper. as a kid, temper tantrums were my MO. i've worked very hard and very long to be a much different, much easier, much kinder adult. somehow, all the traveling sent me down a furious memory lane.

this trip, there's the added issue of my bossy sister-in-law. no matter how hard i try, we don't quite get along. she's argumentative and always tells me what to do and, of course, believes she's always right.

here's one ironic example. when we go to a restaurant, she tells me what on the menu i will like. she's always wrong, which is odd, because, of course, she's always right. (who would ever think they'd know what an extremely disordered eater would want?!!!)

how will i handle all of this better? to begin, i'm going to stop drinking. again.

a little sidebar. no one seems to understand why i keep slipping back to drinking. everyone thinks it's just awful. it doesn't bother me that much. i appreciate the clean time, knowing my body is mending. when i'm drinking, i know i drink too much and too often, but it's where i'm at at the time.

not drinking should help me. i won't have to worry about saying anything i deeply regret, which i've been doing lately after a few chardonnays. i can focus really hard on me and my sobriety -- giving me a goal and a purpose. i'll feel better about myself, physically and emotionally.

focussing on sobriety for my health, i usually eat better. i've been feeling like a human trash can -- all this eating and drinking with abandon -- ie, potato chips, pretzels and pinot grigio for dinner.

eating in my room. we'll be at a convention, where i'll be surrounded by free food all day. i know i'll eat more than i'd usually like BUT i won't go to any big, huge dinners with my family. i can order a nice tunafish sandwich in the room, take a bath, talk on the phone, watch Dancing with the Stars.

another perk of eating in my room. i won't be out at a gorgeous restaurant where every single person is sipping cabernet. much easier to stay sober in the bathtub than at the Four Seasons.

and i can go to bed earlier sleep deprivation was a huge issue last trip. if i'm not out at one of the five course eating fest, i can be snoozing on the many pillows most hotels supply.

i've also got a working laptop, so i can stay in touch and have people to "talk" to when i'm struggling. i have six books and my journal.

And i'm going to breathe and see what happens. breathe BEFORE i react.

i'll keep you all in the loop. i want to keep my head straight, my body healthy and my heart comforted.


  1. Sounds like you have some good strategies! Good luck!!

  2. I think it's great that you're making a plan ahead to stop drinking. :)

  3. The whole travel component can be SO challenging. Planning before you leave is a great idea.
    Good luck!

  4. planning is a great thing. i'm sorely bad at following thru. this time, however, it really feels like a major necessity. deviating can't be an option, or i'll really struggle. if i follow the plan and feel some pride in myself, all can go much better. thanks for all the support!!!!

  5. "no one seems to understand why i keep slipping back to drinking. everyone thinks it's just awful. "--- hmm.... that sounds like the disorder talking. Don't buy it. No one and everyone? Those always make t/f questions false! :D All you'd ask of any of your friends is that they do their best. That's all you can ask of you. I have a question- what if you chose to say the things you say when you've been drinking while you're sober? My guess is that they need to be said- but when it's sober you talking, they might be easier to hear?
    Love, light, and peace to you!

  6. You have some good strategies there in place. Plenty of people just give in the the inner urges they have irrespective of the consequences. Making the effort is the biggest step to success.

    Drinking is a big, big issue and because it is a social lubricant, makes you feel good at the time and is a giant part of social life it makes it so acceptable, so accessible and thus harder to avoid for many people. I think you are doing well. Being out of your comfort zone is a trigger perhaps. So maybe this time around it won't be so tough.

  7. Linda is such a good woman. She says exactly what I am feeling for you, except in a beautifully intelligent and coherent way.

    I'm a mess today, I worry that anything I say that is encouraging might make me sound like a twit.

    Just know that I love you, care for you, and know all about that voice inside, that utterly reasonable voice that tells you it's ok to be self destructive.

    We must find that voice and destroy it.

    Hope this trip brings you all you hope for, my friend. We are all behind you, no matter what.

  8. hey guys; monday didn't go as planned. i did drink some wine. at the pool bar with my family

    in some ways, i think -- well, just try to moderate on this trip to california. do the least damage until i get home.

    but i don't do moderation. frustrating.

    thank you for all your support. i think of you often. when i was drinking last night, i thought of you and kinded of dreaded reporting in.

    clearly too, i'm embarrassed, because i didn't post this as a blog entry.

    hang in there with me. it means SO MUCH!

  9. We're hangin'! You just keep doing what you need to do to take care of you, Lissy.