Monday, December 6, 2010

A Real Meal

i don't know if this post will trigger anyone. i talk a little bit about the food i ate.

Yesterday, I ate a real, grown-up dinner plus dessert and felt nothing but satisfied. Now that’s progress!

My boyfriend, D., came home from work early and we enjoyed a quick, normal lunch, then headed into NYC to see the tree and shops. Everything was so extraordinarily beautiful and awe-inspiring. I don’t think it’s ever looked so exquisite.

After walking around, we went out for dinner. D. doesn’t like eating out, so this was a nice treat. Recently, I dhaven't want to go out, because “who wants to eat out if you can’t have a drink.”, but i was cool last night. D. actually said he was looking forward to it (I don’t believe him for a minute – he did it for me) and I didn’t care about drinking. Wow.

Early in the day, I decided I was going to eat a real dinner of foods I usually don’t eat. Even if I wasn’t very hungry, I was going to get something truly tasty and eat as much of it as I wanted.

There was a lot of traffic, and we didn’t get to dinner until 10, but I still didn’t care, I was going to have a good dinner. I ordered EXACTLY what I wanted and enjoyed it thoroughly and heartily. We had great conversation over dinner and there was gentle, live music in the background. Nice.

Although I was full and satisfied, I still had a hankering for ice cream when I got home, and I made myself a small and tasty cone.

And that was that – no second thoughts, no remorse, no self-punishment. I could get used to this!

It IS funny that I’m making such a big deal about doing nothing but eating dinner, but it was a big deal. I look forward to it becoming mundane.

As i was re-reading this post, i realized it may sound like i don't usually eat healthful meals, and the fact of eating dinner was the coup. just to clarify, i do eat meals and maintain a healthy enough weight and i'm not obsessed with food and weight. i allow myself (small) treats and can eat out and go to events with relative ease. i say "relative" because i do have apprehensions sometimes, and some days are easier than others.

In general though, my meals are very simple and pretty lean. the portions fill me, but i never feel too full. it's rare that i'm eating a big slice of pizza or more than a bite of someone else's hamburger and fries. last night was a burger and fries AND salad kind of night. THAT'S what makes it so different and so exciting.

Bring on the nachos!


  1. Sounds like a very nice evening, full of "normal" eating. I went out Saturday night with family/friends and didn't order anything. Ugh. But I wasn't hungry! Why doesn't your boyfriend like to go out to eat? My husband prefers going out to eating in.

  2. I'm proud of you for normal eating! :) I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment recently. I'm back into the world. I am here for support. You know where to find me :) ( my blog...and speaking of my parents found it so it's not private so...could you email me your email so I can send you an invite to read my blog ( i made it private ) . I'd like to keep in contact :)


  3. This is so awesome to read. This post, along with the lovely comment you left on my last blog post, reminds me that there is hope! There is a life beyond the thoughts and feelings we trap ourselves in. You are an example, you are my role model, my inspiration :)


  4. sweetie, actually i do enjoy going out to eat - providing you're the company ... -d

  5. i think it's healthy not to eat when you're not hungry. it seems kind of strange to eat when you're not and don't want to. but our society doesn't understand that.

    i know he'll read this but i'll answer anyway. to him, restaurants are too loud, too expensive and not clean enough. also, he's a homebody. i used to want to go out ALL the time. i have learned how nice it is to stay home. balance

    lisa; welcome back! yes, i need to visit your blog. i want to know how you're doing. i will email you my email in a few minutes. thank you for your support here!!!

    lucy sparrow; thank you so much for this comment. i want people to know there is hope. i didn't believe it for years and years and years and years. i can't believe the way i am now and the freedom i have. a long way to go but i have very, very far from where i was. by the way, your blog is great.

    anonymous; i like staying home mostly. AND it was so nice to get out and end the weekend with you and a burger and fries. thank you.

  6. Definitely sounds like a victory! Really glad that you were able to go out and enjoy yourself without the ED being in control of everything, AND felt good about it afterwards! Fantastic, thanks so much for sharing this to remind people that these day-to-day victories are a huge payoff for the work you've put into recovery.

  7. Cammy; it was a victory. i can eat, and i do stay at a fairly steady weight, but i rarely eat the "big" stuff.

    i really do want to send the message that their is great hope. it may only be Progress not Perfection, but it's not the obsessed, miserable life i used to lead where i wouldn't allow myself a lifesaver if i woke up in the middle of the night coughing. not even a lifesaver. and i had NO HOPE. i absolutely never thought i could eat a hamburger, fries, salad and some ice cream. and have not one millisecond of fear, guilt and self-flagellation. Progress indeed!

  8. That's wonderful! I'm so proud of you!!!

  9. Angela: How are YOU? i'm always thinking about you.

    i do think it's so important to know that hope is alive. i was deep in the clutches of anorexia and for years, bulimia. i really and truly had NO hope and didn't want to have hope. i didn't want to gain weight. or eat.

    it can get better. take care of yourself, angela. and keep writing