Thursday, December 9, 2010


Although I’m really not hungry or in the mood, I’m eating a white chocolate coconut and walnut cookie at work. I’m eating it because my colleague baked them for me and so wanted me to try one.

From this occurrence we learn – there is hope.

There was a time, a long long time this one cookie would have caused panic and rage. Terror that I might find myself eating that cookie, Fury that someone else gets to eat a cookie AND manical rage that anyone would try to make me eat it.

For a very long, long time, I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have eaten the cookie, no matter how my co-worker (who is senior to me) cajoled.

I write this because for 30 years, I was 100% sure there was no hope for me. My eating disorder (and drugs and alcohol) were going to rule every moment of the rest of my life, just as they had destroyed the time before.

My life entailed starving all day, drinking tons of wine, binging for hours, purging to the wee hours and popping laxative and a few Ambien to try to squeeze in some sleep before work. I’d wake up sick and exhausted and start the process again. This was every single day. This was sheer misery. And I saw no relief. Never, ever.

Now, I get up, drink fresh juice, have little snacks, eat lunch, a small snack, dinner and some dessert. No binging, no starving, no purging, no drinking and no drugs - never, ever.

Do I still watch too carefully? Sometimes. Is it all natural and easy enough? Sometimes. Is there work to be done? Yes, but now, sometimes, I have real peace.

I never, never, ever would have thought this possible.

I’d like to “talk” more about hope. What brings you hope? What have you done that’s worked in recovery? What do you hope for? Where do you stand with hope, itself?

We need to hear the positive. We need to know we can get deep into recovery, and we can recover.


  1. GO HOPE!! I hope that one day I can eat out and not be afraid I'll binge the rest of the day. I wish that I would be able to eat out without the shame and re-criminations in my head. I hope that one day I'll be able to enjoy something that tastes good without worring about it.

    I'm glad your doing so well!

  2. I have hope when I can be normal, and eat food and even forget that it's a big deal :)
    When I go for over a week without stepping on the scales.
    When I eat lunch at school, and not feel completely terrible afterwards


  3. i hope someday that i can enjoy simple things like juice again. thanks for sharing, and congratulations for coming so far!