Tuesday, March 26, 2013


I am looking older - that's all there is to it. i look at pictures from three years ago, when i was 46, and there's a real difference.

Lord knows i took terrible care of myself throughout my life -- drugs, alcohol, anorexia, bulimia -- it makes sense that there's wear and tear.

i always looked young for my age (something i chalked up to lack of responsibility and maturity!) but not anymore. No one looks surprised when i state that i'm nearly 50 -- they just nod and smile.

for no apparent reason, i'm comfortable. it's almost a relief. i SLAVED my whole life to be thinner, prettier, blonder, bronzer, blah, blah, blah...........such time and effort and and money and insecurity.

maybe i'm just tired.

and truth be told, i didn't find my dream career or a good man or inner peace, actually, while i've been thin, blonde, bronzed and young-looking

i'm looking for a change - to grow old gracefully and with different purpose. i'd like to be more useful and kind and compassionate, focused more on others and less on myself (and my appearance!)

waiting in the doctor's office yesterday, i read the new Allure magazine with a whole big section devoted to anti-aging. "anti-aging" sounds odd -- as though it's actually a possibility!

it also sounded utterly exhausting -- time consuming and expensive. And a lot of fight for something that's inevitable. we're getting older and no matter how much botox we stick in our faces or even how much hair color and moisturizer and concealer we use -- we're going to look older.

What's wrong with looking older, looking our ages? i'm not saying we shouldn't take care of ourselves -- i'm just wondering why we can't look great AND old.

perhaps i won't be as comfortable as the lines deepen around my mouth and my jowls droop, as my mother's did -- as the gray comes in quicker and the weight creeps on...all that happened with my mom who looked exactly like me.

but for now, i'm okay


  1. I've gotten to the point where I don't care as much as I used to either. I even venture to the grocery store without make up from time to time. Although I must admit to cringing a bit if I run into a client, who always says, "Are you ok? you look like you're not feeling well." Awesome. I always answer, "No, I'm fine. This is just what I look like."

  2. Amen, sistah! I recently had a friend (maybe a "friend") tell me that I ought to "give Botox a try" in order to lessen the lines between my eyebrows. I call those my Eleven. I told her that I've earned that Eleven and that there's no way I'm erasing it! That's my Girl Scout badge. I am with you... content to walk my path and let time walk all over my face! :)

  3. Karen; so nice to hear from you! hope all is well. i thought of you yesterday -- when i went to the laundromat without make-up (okay -- does tinted moisturizer and tinted lip balm count?) i am very pale and tend to wear a lot of make-up just so i don't hear, "are you very ill"? lol

    Danielle Mari; Hey there -- thanks for writing, my friend. but seriously, i've never seen anyone look better with work (that i know of, of course.) it just looks so sad but it DOESN'T look young! it's funny to me that i kinda do look my age, when SO many of my friends look younger, BUT that's that. kudos to you for loving 11!!!!!!!

  4. Thank you for this. I struggle with feeling bad for aging, as absurd as that sounds. Im learning to embrace it. I want to. It just feels foreign. Like eveything involving my body always has. Anyway thank you again

  5. face it, your a narcissist who cant deal with reality.