Friday, September 17, 2010

Liar, liar

Does anyone else lie? maybe it's more of the alcoholic/drug addict part of me that likes the whoppers and white ones? i guess i lied around my eating disorder, but i think this is my substance abuser stttreetttcching the truth.

tonight, my therapist told me i need to be honest all the time. what???!!!

i feel pretty crummy about myself. i've been drinking since labor day and telling my therapist and IOP i was sober. LIAR. every morning, i'd text my therapist i took antabuse and she'd write back how proud she was of me. LIAR. trust-crusher. betrayer. the true L word.

last night, instead of going to IOP, i rented a cheap hotel room and told my boyfriend i was going to IOP. yes, i'd had a crazy full week with not ONE minute to myself. yes, i had my period and awful cramps and madness. and yes, i needed the time to myself. BUT I LIED. i did eventually confess to my boyfriend, who already knows the severe limits to my trustworthiness. and knows that i've been feeling suffocated. and knows I AM A LIAR.

i'm afraid to publish this. will anyone ever want to be my blogger friend again? i don't lie on the blog.

now, i must be honest. all the time. my therapist is calling my iop counselor and telling her to watch me take antabuse. yick. sobriety.

my therapist tells me drinking is holding me back from a full life. now, i have no money, a very "eh" job that is no interest to me and lots of repercussions.

is there a chance i could have a full life? could i do something that really uses more of my literary interests and less of my sales background? will i ever be able to take care of myself?

well, i did go to my job all week, and i did pay attention and SMILE thru the cramps and anxiety. i am terrified of the computers, but i am going back on monday. i will go to iop. i will go to AA meetings.

i will give myself a chance.


  1. I have a hard time with lying, too. Lying to make others proud of me, rather- to make myself seem healthier or more normal. It's something I'm trying hard to overcome.

    It's hard to realize something like that about yourself, but I'd like to point out that you are a WONDERFUL person, and one of the strongest people that I know for not giving up. I admire you, your dedication and your compassion so much. And, regardless of lying, I will always be your blog friend :) keep smiling and breathing, and take care of yourself!

  2. Addictions are breeding grounds for lying. I've lied, hidden alcohol, went to therapy sessions drunk, and then lied when it was obvious that I'd been drinking. You are not a bad person, and of course, I know that it doesn't change my perceptions of you. I will still be here reading! I think this post was incredibly brave and honest. Hang in there. You will do this!

  3. S.A.: thank you. it's nice to know someone understands. no one in my personal life understands. glad you will always be my friend. i don't feel particularly strong, but.... thank you!

    Angela; i'm sorry you've gone thru this too. still, it's comforting to know i'm not alone. sometimes i feel like the worst person in the world. thank you for this response. i definetely needed some comfort

  4. You know what, everybody lies. I even have the t-shirt:

    That's an awful lot of pressure to put on yourself to be honest all the time. It's a goal to work towards, I suppose, but I don't think anyone could ever achieve it.

    Yes, give yourself a chance. But don't beat yourself up when you slip. Everybody lies.

  5. harriet: thank you. i do feel a lot of pressure, and i don't deal with it well. where is that trust fund?!

  6. I think people lie because of how others will react to them if they tell the truth. Who wants to be lambasted for just not reaching the benchmark that OTHERS set. It makes one feel like a two year old.

    You are being truthful to yourself. Right now that is the most important thing.

  7. linda; thank you, yes. i do feel somewhat like a two year old now and need to figure out how to change some things. thank you, thank you