Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Sponsor

i got a sponsor. i can't believe it. four years in and out of recovery and never thought "I" needed a sponsor. but too many people i trust have told me to do it. since i make such wrong decisions on my own, i decided to follow the STRONG suggestion of most together people i know (my therapist, people with 30 years sober, etc.) and asked the leader of last night's AA meeting if she would sponsor me. we're meeting this weekend to get started. i'm nervous and excited and startled that i took this step (no pun intended, for all of you who know the tenets of AA.) Imagine ME, doing the right thing!

Yesterday was a blah, blah day at work. i left there all depressed with my head hanging. then i met my friend from IOP at an AA meeting and instantly felt comforted. i grabbed coffee (and a cookie -- yes, I'm allowing myself cookies before dinner) and sat up front. quickly, my shoulders dropped, as i found myself nodding along with everything said. everyone at AA has a story and everyone understands great loss and confusion and frustration. I don't know when i've felt less alone.

it's unlike me to feel peace when my life has so many frustrating aspects. it's always been all or nothing for me -- if one thing was bad, NOTHING felt good or peaceful. it's kind of a revelation -- i can hate my job, my finances, my addictions, YET i can still feel relaxed in a room full of people with like-minded troubles. all new.

what else is new? well, i'm still sober and having a MUCH less hard time around this time around. i do crave alcohol sometimes, but i don't at all want everything that goes with drinking -- the hangover, the bad decisions about everything, the cost, the disappointment from those around me and all the lies that decide to pop out of my mouth. every aspect of life gets worse when i drink AND all my addictions have kept me back, kept me in this life i find so dissatisfying.

i have everything to re-learn. from making my own bed, to supporting myself. i never did these normal things -- i don't know how i escaped, but i skipped anything in life that an adult might do and anything that smelled even vaguely of responsibility. all this avoidance hasn't done me any good.
i must believe it's never too late. i see people in AA who've pulled it together after having lost everything, over and over with terrible consequences. and there they are, sober and working on much better lives.

humility. i have so little. always, i think i know best what's best for me. whatever's necessary for "other" people never applies to me. i also seem to think i can do whatever i want, regardless of the consequences to myself and others around me.

the only thing i can do is right things now. i can't make up for the past -- not to myself, and not to those i've hurt. i CAN do things differently this time. so, here i am, doing this considerably differently - a genuine work in progress.

as for my ass (strange seque, but the thought just popped up), it's still the same new size. why can't i believe my boyfriend, who repeatedly tells me i'm perfect right now? what does he know?! no, no, i hear my mother's voice years ago, wondering why they were promoting Diane Sawyer when she had such big hips. my mother hated wide hips, no matter who sported them. if you weren't a boy, basically, you were horribly wide.

why do i hear my mother from 30 years ago and not my boyfriend? or anyone, these days, who tells me I look good - that i had gotten painfully thin and i finally look healthy again.

everything's up in the air right now -- lots of change and uncomfortable transition.
Growing pains? i hope so.


  1. You sound really good! I'm so glad to hear that. And I think it's great you got a sponsor. I think we could all use that from time to time...someone to help us, guide us, remind us that recovery is worth it. Keep at it!

  2. This is really great to read :)

    "I don't know when I've felt less alone." That is awesome :) Finding a place where you truly feel like you belong is one of the best feelings there is. I'm so glad to know that you have found a place where you feel a genuine connection to others around you. And I congratulate you on getting a sponsor. Reaching out and asking for help is a very hard thing to do, so I think it's really admirable that you were able to do this. Good for you! :)


  3. Wow, so much going on. It sounds really good, so positive, so forward moving. I like your thoughts that certain things can be less than perfect, but life can still be good. I need to work on that lesson. Do you go to AA meetings every day? Is it always the same people there?

  4. Keep on the positive stuff! And making your bed is highly over rated. My cat likes it when she nudge her head under the sheets and get all around them.

    I'm glad you're getting a sponser. They do help, they helped my sister a lot.

    Oh and YAY for cookies!!!!!

  5. you are so strong, alot of people would give up after years of struggle but you are right, it is never too late!
    I can totally identify with wanting to drink but then thinking about all the crap that goes along with it. That glass of wine just doesn't seem worth it anymore. And nothing beats the feeling of knowing you are sober (from substances or ED behaviors). People talk about a sense of control or power they get from losing weight, but I maintain that I feel much more powerful and in control when I dont give in to the ED. I feel like LISA is in the driver's seat, and that beats the pants off of any illusions of control I would get skipping a meal or purging!
    XO Lisa

  6. kim: i AM doing a little better. glad sobriety is a little easier. find such comfort in AA meetings - something i never did before. i feel so much less alone. ahhhh

    Nicole; i have always isolated and thought only i knew best. and who wants to let anyone in? it's real surprising and such a relief that i feel differently this time. i'm looking forward (and a little scared) to work with a sponsor.

    Harriet: i am going to about four meetings a week. the fifth night, i have therapy. and the other two are for errands, laundry, hand washing, grocery shopping. we'll see if i need more meetings. i go to different meetings every night -- they seem to be all over the place. each place has a set of some of the same people, but it changes. some meetings are much bigger than others. it's nice to see the same faces. look forward to when people recognize me.

    eating alone; yes, yay for cookies. tonight i had two. and coffee. i am glad i got a sponsor too. i have NO idea what to expect. this is all so new for me. we'll see. it can't be bad for me!

    lisa; this is so powerful! i love to read your thinking. i haven't thought of it in those terms. you R powerful. i need to get into the driver's seat and beat the pants off any illusions of control i would get from skipping a meal, drinking or lying. THANK YOU!