A Sponsor

i got a sponsor. i can't believe it. four years in and out of recovery and never thought "I" needed a sponsor. but too many people i trust have told me to do it. since i make such wrong decisions on my own, i decided to follow the STRONG suggestion of most together people i know (my therapist, people with 30 years sober, etc.) and asked the leader of last night's AA meeting if she would sponsor me. we're meeting this weekend to get started. i'm nervous and excited and startled that i took this step (no pun intended, for all of you who know the tenets of AA.) Imagine ME, doing the right thing!

Yesterday was a blah, blah day at work. i left there all depressed with my head hanging. then i met my friend from IOP at an AA meeting and instantly felt comforted. i grabbed coffee (and a cookie -- yes, I'm allowing myself cookies before dinner) and sat up front. quickly, my shoulders dropped, as i found myself nodding along with everything said. everyone at AA has a story and everyone understands great loss and confusion and frustration. I don't know when i've felt less alone.

it's unlike me to feel peace when my life has so many frustrating aspects. it's always been all or nothing for me -- if one thing was bad, NOTHING felt good or peaceful. it's kind of a revelation -- i can hate my job, my finances, my addictions, YET i can still feel relaxed in a room full of people with like-minded troubles. all new.

what else is new? well, i'm still sober and having a MUCH less hard time around this time around. i do crave alcohol sometimes, but i don't at all want everything that goes with drinking -- the hangover, the bad decisions about everything, the cost, the disappointment from those around me and all the lies that decide to pop out of my mouth. every aspect of life gets worse when i drink AND all my addictions have kept me back, kept me in this life i find so dissatisfying.

i have everything to re-learn. from making my own bed, to supporting myself. i never did these normal things -- i don't know how i escaped, but i skipped anything in life that an adult might do and anything that smelled even vaguely of responsibility. all this avoidance hasn't done me any good.
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i must believe it's never too late. i see people in AA who've pulled it together after having lost everything, over and over with terrible consequences. and there they are, sober and working on much better lives.

humility. i have so little. always, i think i know best what's best for me. whatever's necessary for "other" people never applies to me. i also seem to think i can do whatever i want, regardless of the consequences to myself and others around me.

the only thing i can do is right things now. i can't make up for the past -- not to myself, and not to those i've hurt. i CAN do things differently this time. so, here i am, doing this considerably differently - a genuine work in progress.

as for my ass (strange seque, but the thought just popped up), it's still the same new size. why can't i believe my boyfriend, who repeatedly tells me i'm perfect right now? what does he know?! no, no, i hear my mother's voice years ago, wondering why they were promoting Diane Sawyer when she had such big hips. my mother hated wide hips, no matter who sported them. if you weren't a boy, basically, you were horribly wide.

why do i hear my mother from 30 years ago and not my boyfriend? or anyone, these days, who tells me I look good - that i had gotten painfully thin and i finally look healthy again.

everything's up in the air right now -- lots of change and uncomfortable transition.
Growing pains? i hope so.