Sunday, September 19, 2010

Pissed Off

Hello Anger, my old friend.

i am so angry today. why do i have to drive an f===ing 90 minutes to work, then an hour to IOP and then get home at 10;30, lay out my clothes, pack my lunch, take a shower and then resent the hell out of having no time for myself.

the counselors at IOP SUCK. we watch movies, we talk about transmissions and fast food (the counselors are so talent-free -- they let the conversation wander all over, and they can't control the group) and where everybody lives.

but i have to go, because my therapist wants the stupid (really!) iop counselor to watch me take antabuse. 3.5 hours of stupidity three nights a week.

i need time to myself. i hate everyone today == i railed on my cousin and i asked my therapist to call me so i can tell her how absolutely PISSED OFF i am.

i'm also so anxious about the week. learning the really complicated computer system and all the sales stuff and running to iop where they now know i didn't stop drinking.

i'm really unhappy. really unhappy. really unhappy.

and i'm gaining more weight and my skin's all broken out and....i'm really unhappy.

thanks for listening


  1. Oh, Melissa I am so sorry. I know those angry days. This IOP doesn't sound very good, does it? What are transmissions? Sounds very psychological. Maybe it's just the first week and you are building rapport? The good stuff will come this week? The commute sounds very tough too - 90 minutes? Yikes.

    You definitely need time to yourself. Besides driving time in the car. Do you get a lunch hour at least?

    You're also probably exhausted! 8 hours a day of work, 3.5 hours of IOP three nights a week, I would fall asleep during the day.


  2. harriet; THANK YOU! i've done four weeks of IOP. for two of the weeks, we had really good subs. now, the regular facilitators are back, and they are really bad.

    BUT, my therapist called me back and said i was entitled to my anger. and i could leave IOP at 1/2 time. she just wants someone to watch me take Antabuse. if i leave 1/2 way thru, i can get home by 9, and at least have some time to decompress. i'm not sure i will do this, but at least it's an option.

    i am overwhelmed, but what can you do?

  3. It's been 4 weeks already? Wow, I must be really out of it. It's sad when the subs are better than the regulars.

    Great news that you can leave 1/2 way through though!

    Yes, overwhelmed. I know that feeling. All too well.

  4. I'm sorry that the reg's are worse than the subs. Maybe you can google the subs and find where they work and go there.

    Is it helping you at all?

  5. eating alone; iop has been helpful but so sporadically so. i think i'm just going to go to AA meetings every night -- and that way, i can get home at a reasonable hour.

  6. I'm sorry IOP sucks. Do you think that soon you will be able to take the Antabuse on your own? Everyone needs time for themselves or you get drained. It sounds like your therapist is listening to you, which is good.

    I know weight gain is hard to handle. I'm struggling with it too, but know reaching a healthy weight will make me healthier in the long run. But the process sucks (my skin's been breaking out it a bit too and at 45 that just sucks, plus the weight first seems to go to my stomach. My doctor says it will all even out and the symptoms will go away, so maybe that will happen for you soon too.)



  7. ugh, that sounds awful! I hate being stuck in a situation like that and sitting there thinking "wow, this is so totally a waste of my time!".
    Yeah, I would cut to half time for sure. Hang in there!

  8. Angela E: i am not going to iop anymore, but i am going to go to daily AA meetings. i started tonight. it was a good meeting.

    i'm using food instead of alcohol, but what can i do? just the best that i can -- that's what i'm doing. thank you for helping me feel not alone

    lisa: i got some things out of iop. it was good the nights we had subs. but the two regular counselors are fairly bozo=esque. i went to a nice AA meeting tonight. i think that's going to be more helpful.

    hope YOU are well!