Thursday, September 30, 2010


I'm bloated. Does anyone relate? My stomach feels stretched to the end of its skin.

Very uncomfortable. And my poor, once-abused intestinal tract is not playing along. (Aside to young users of laxatives, if you're using laxatives, please stop. You don't know the damage you will do. it's less fun years down the road.)

Enough about that -- you know what I mean.

Everything's different about my body -- there are lumps and creases around places i'd forgotten about.

When i look in the mirror dressed, I'm not too startled. with a blazer, etc., i still look fine. but take off that dress and, what's all this?

Wish i could feel fine. This reminds me of all the years i officially "dieted". I concentrate on making mostly healthy, lean choices. I'm getting sick of salad and turkey breast, et. al. Still, i'm eating meals, which i didn't do much before & eating a lot late at night after work and AA and everything else i need to do. Thus, some weight gain.

I'm rarely hungry. My system feels so over-taxed. I miss really be hungry for a meal. i tend to eat dinner just because i want to eat. I'm not sure how to do things correctly and healthfully. Maybe a nutritionist?

It's no surprise I'm pretty out of touch with my body and "hungry" and "full". I never developed these tools -- you know the ones babies conquer at birth?

I so wonder how we got here. Eating is supposed to be as natural as any of the most instinctive things we do. Now not-eating seems acceptable and the norm. Everyone's so busy trying to be "good".

A young (16) friend tells me that, although she regularly binges/purges/starves, she doesn't think she has a problem, because everyone else is doing it. She says

"I'm really involved in the theatre and dance productions- and eating disorders are so common there. Naturally, there is a huge percentage of girls in theatre who restrict their calories (which eventually leads to a binge...and a purge) in order to be thinner for the stage or competition. During warm ups we talk about how much we've eaten, or how much weight we need to lose before the show so we'll look good. What's worse is that it isn't questioned because that's the way it's always been done.

"Naturally, there is a huge percentage of girls in theatre who restrict their calories." NATURALLY? What is natural about a huge percentage of teenage girls restricting their calories?

How did this happen? How did starving (often leading to binging and purging) become natural?

Why? What is so great about being super-thin? What's so great about being thin?

Is there anything we can do?


  1. ugh. I am in the same boat today. The "bloat boat" hahaha cant believe I just made that joke. Lame! Had to change into my jammies a little early today cause I just coudn't take it but oh well, whatever works!

    I agree with everything else you said. I heard one actress (cant remember who) quoted on her weight control methods and she said "I just accepted that as long as I was going to be in this business, I was going to be hungry." So sad.

  2. I don't think there is anything you can do to be honest, other than let people make their own mistakes. You can only make them aware of the damage that this whole cycle will do, but the responsibility is ultimately down to them. I think eventually it will be considered not just a natural method to lose weight, but the normal way to do it. And that in itself is sad. That there should be this preoccupation with weight, or anything for that matter, is alarming. Does it turn us into a non-person to be a little rounder? Do we stop being ourselves the minute a single greasy morsel passes our lips? Are we beneath contempt for actually getting enjoyment from the food we eat? I don't see that it has to be a chore, and yet that's exactly what it has become.

    It's almost like we're losing the humanity of ourselves, all for the sake of being cosmetically 'perfect'. When will we learn?

  3. I have been so bloated this week, I feel sick. I had to leave work early yesterday. I'm having hormonal issues too, which doesn't help.

    It makes me sad that young girls are so pressured to be thin. I know it is prevalent in the areas of dance, gymnastics, cheerleading, etc - all the sports/activities where showing your body is important. They need better role models. Unfortunately, I don't think it will be changing anytime soon.

    For me what is so great about being thin is I am healthier, I have normal cholesterol and blood pressure which I did not have when I was fat. It is also easier for me to exercise. But I don't think there is anything great about being super thin, unless you are that way naturally. I will settle for thin and healthy and try not to strive for super thin.

  4. Oh I hate that feeling. I would think that a nutritionist might be helpful (although definitely find one with extensive ED experience, I've been to a couple of clueless ones that did more harm than good), just to get you on track and give you some guidelines. My hunger/fullness cues are way out of whack, although not as drastically as they used to be, and one exercise that was helpful was rating my hunger before and after every meal. It makes you take time to stop and check in with your body, which is something that seems to slip through the cracks all too often. Of course, there's always the caveat that while you're rediscovering your cues, not being super hungry doesn't mean you shouldn't eat...anyway, all things a nutritionist could give guidance on.

    And I hope you feel better soon. Adjustment periods suck, but hang in there and take care of yourself, it will balance out...

  5. I’m sorry you are feeling this way, I understand and can definitely relate. My period just returned this month after being absent for I don’t know how long. A year? Maybe longer, I stopped keeping track. But now that it's back it's been kind of difficult to adjust again to the bloating, cramps, etc...

    I have always avoided mirrors because I have such a distorted body image and looking in mirrors often makes me panic, but I especially avoid them when I am feeling bloated or generally depressed. For me, mirrors are just way too much fuel for ED, so I try my best to steer clear of them.

    At any rate, I really hope you feel better soon :)

  6. Shit! I just wrote a really long comment and lost it. It was brilliant, too. Not really, just my same old crap. But still--dammit!