I considered calling this post "womanly curves" or "sexy curves", but ended up with just plain curves
what is womanly really? Aren’t all female bodies womanly because they belong to women? Besides, womanly sounds like “matronly” or “bosomy” or ... mom jeans.
Still, I think if I tell you my body is now “womanly”, you know what I mean. I have roounnd curves I haven’t seen in quite some time. I now sport 16 pounds more than i did in mid-July. I guess my body wanted it. I look healthy but where, I ask you, did this stomach come from? Whose boobs are these?
That kind of leads me to “sexy” curves. Sexy. I don’t tend to feel sexy. I don’t like to feel sexy – it’s fairly threatening, now that i think of it. Is it shocking that a woman with every eating disorder since childhood has issues with her sexuality?
I didn’t date until I was 30 and even then, i didn't pick well.. damn, if I didn’t think I was the ugliest thing around. up and down 100 pounds. braces. frizzy hair. acne. glasses. and nerdy. oh, was i picked on in junior high. i wouldn't dare have thought of myself as sexy -- some sarcastic creep would let me know exactly how truly unappealing i was. even during my thinnest (thin equalled attractive to me)times when my acne cleared up, the braces were gone and a flat iron had been invented -- still, even then (and now) all i see is funny looking me.
So sadly, that's just the way i look at my body. Yeah, no, my curves aren't sexy to me, even though i'm working on convincing myself they are. i guess i still miss the bones. why do i like sharp bones and sneer at soft curves?
This post brings anxiety, as i write this out. why can't i feel sexy? why not -- other women do. sometimes, after a few glasses of wine, when EVERYTHING feels crazy and loose, i might feel a little sexy but even then -- KEEP THOSE LIGHTS OFF!!!
sometimes i really would rather look like a vanishing woman. yet, i so don't want my 15 year old niece to see me as thin as i was. it's a terrible message and not walking the walk. "you're perfect", i tell her and know it is so, although my body is a fair amount smaller than hers.
whether curves seem desireable or not, they're mine. i need to deal and move on with the rest of the day!
wow. i feel SO similarly. what is womanly? i have a boyish body already when i'm at a healthy weight. not curvy in the fashion magazine way. sure i get boobs and a stomach but i still have a flat butt (unless i'm exercising compulsively) and a strait torso (from the front). but like you say, we just gotta take what we have and move on. *shrugs* can't change our genes, right?
ReplyDeletegood on ya on the weight gain. i know how hard it is.
I can *so* relate. I am not yet liking my newly developed curves. I miss my bones and being really thin. It's like I lost a friend and I don't know who this person is in her place. But...that's recovery and we both have to move forward; anorexia would eventually kill us.
ReplyDeleteKnow you are healthy and tell the voices in your head that says otherwise they are lying!
*hugs*
Angela
flaweddesign; thank you so for writing. glad to know someone else understands. yes, the weight gain is difficult- on top of everything else. but as we're saying, it is what it is.
ReplyDeleteAngela E.: i really don't get it. what happened to that boney woman? she's nowhere to be found. but it's okay. it IS recovery. i have so many other things i need to do.
take good care of YOU.