Monday, September 6, 2010

Job Fear

What is all this interest in food? why do i want to keep chucking stuff into my mouth?

i start my new job on monday. i haven't worked since July 17, and though i've been terrified about money, i have so enjoyed the freedom. i get lots of sleep and take morning walks and write and run all my errands, then head to iop. my boyfriend and i sit on the swing, lounge on the deck, drive to the beach and explore different neighborhoods.

before this bliss, i worked for my brother for four years. it was pretty darn easy work, and i had lots of flexibility. sure, the travel got old, and i didn't like the job itself, but i knew what i was doing.

monday, i start a job selling classified ads for a large newspaper in new jersey. i'll be sitting at a desk, on the phone all day, every day. and selling. i'd promised myself that i wouldn't take another sales job again, but that's my background and the best way for me to make an okay salary. i'm afraid of the whole sales thing. sometimes, even with all my experience, i still get scared. and my lack of computer knowledge -- eek.

but, i do LOVE newspapers and enjoy reading classified ads, so of all the jobs i saw, this one looked the best. the hours are 9:30 - 6 pm, which means i don't have to blast out of bed at some unholy hour, and that means a lot. and i keep telling myself, i can do this, i can do this, i can do this. my self-esteem has taken a lot of hits lately -- i need lots of cheerleading.

unfortunately, the job's about an hours drive each way, ugh, because i live in a pretty rural area, and there aren't too many jobs near me.

and how on earth am i going to get to iop for 3.5 hours, three nights a week. and see my therapist in new york. and get to a psychiatrist for meds? i haven't figured this part out at all. but i guess i will.

When will i find time for myself. now, i am blessed with such quality time to breathe. but everyone works and figures things out. i guess i will too.

i'm glad i wrote this, instead of reaching for the fridge door. this is what's been on my mind, but i've been so busy talking about alcohol and food and relationships, i haven't gotten to job fear. now, i have.


  1. I"ve been there....I haven't been able to hold down a job because as soon as the commitment hits, I PANIC. massively. but YOU CAN DO THIS.


    i believe you
    stay strong,

  2. It is great that you have had this time off, and I'm excited for the new job. New jobs are always stressful for me because it's change. It's adjustment. You'll be fine though. You'll figure out the logistics of iop and therapy and everything -- just make sure to prioritize that! Keep the zen attitude you've been having as you go into the work world. It's just a job, after all ;) That's what I tell myself, at least!

  3. Everything will work out. You will find a way to fit your other commitments into your schedule. I know how hard going back to work is. I had the summer off, and was so spoiled! I'm glad that you were able to write instead of turning to food. Keep up the great attitude. You definitely CAN do this!!!
    Sending {{{HUGS}}}

  4. God knows I love nothing more than giving advice, so here goes: Do your best at this job and trust the universe--things will have a way of working out. Just don't let this job sap every iota of your energy. It seems like it's a means to an end, and you have so much to offer the world. Make sure that you find some time each day to tap into your true talents (which may, in fact, be sales) and then strategize how you can capitalize on those talents to generate income.

    Sending all kinds of hugs and positive energy! XOXO

  5. Yay yay yay yay, and more yays for you new job! You must be so exicted! As for all the scheduling conflicts, these things have a habit of workinig themselves out, someway, somehow. For now, enjoy yourself before you start working :)

  6. Hope the new job went okay today. I think new jobs are scary mostly like Kim said-it is change. I can understand enjoying your free time and now having to get back into the real world of things.

    As everyone else has said, things will work out somehow. One thing I would suggest is to prioritize the things you need to do. I find that helps me to focus and stay on task too.

  7. That's great news about the job. It will work out, I comute about 45 minutes each way. Maybe you can ask them if you can try working 1 day a week from home once you've been there for a while and have it down.

  8. You gotta do what you gotta do, right? And you can! Maybe you can listen to audiobooks or podcasts during the commute.

  9. EA has a great idea about telecommuting after a while. My dad drives to a bus stop (it's pretty rural there, too) and rides the bus the rest of the way in. He does work, listens to the radio, and ingratiates himself with other passengers. Seriously, that man could make friends on a bus full of ex-cons.

    I hear you on job stress - I wanted to do my whole summer over again! And your scheduling sounds like a big challenge. I really do think it will work out - people can be mighty understanding.