i have gained 13 pounds, and counting, since the middle of July. i am now exactly the number the weight charts say i should be. Thirteen pounds heavier than two months ago. Yet, i'm okay.
i don't know why I'm okay. two months ago, two pounds drove me crazy. you could see the bones from my neck to my chest, and i thought they looked great. i could slither into those skinny jeans and boy did i shake my ass. i thought i looked great.
of course, i also kind of looked like a skeleton. really boney. i maintained the look of the dead for about six months. i sure thought i looked great.
but i guess i looked like a skeleton.
i repeat all this so i will hear it. much of me wishes i still looked like that, but i don't have that kind of time. i'm working a full day and taking in SO much new information and running to 3.5 hours of iop (driving over an hour each way.) somewhere in between i have to pay my bills and return calls and emails and, hopefully, bathe and make coffee and the bed.
i don't have time for my eating disorder. i pack my lunch and eat it. my boyfriend can't believe i eat it all. he knows my old (lack of) eat habits. i eat potato chips on break during IOP and then get home at 10:30 and, exhausted, eat a real dinner. i put cream in my coffee and suck sugar free sucking candies all day (oral fixation, indeed.)
i gain weight. but i can't be bothered. i look fine. if i gain more weight, i still can't be bothered. i'm serious!!!!!!! who is writing this??
i don't have time for my eating disorder?!! in the past, all this stress would have brought ED screaming in louder than ever. i'd fast all day and binge all night. but i can't do that now. i don't have any money or any credit, and i must learn my new job and function. i need to support myself, and i'm getting too old to function on no food or the awful post binge/post purge feeling.
WOW.
by the way, i just wrote the previous post too. if you have the time, please give it a read. i think i almost wrote this one to mask the last. it's all true, but the last one scared me.
MELISSA, YOU ROCK. :) and I am so happy for you! :) You are awesome!
ReplyDelete<3
I am so happy for you!!! What an inspiration as I am also gaining weight (on purpose; I have about 10 pounds to go until I'm at what they say I should be.) For the most part, I am okay with the weight gain too. I think I'm finally realizing it's do this or die.
ReplyDeleteI'm so proud of you!!! Keep it up!
Angela
What a great attitude. Eating disorders do take up so much time. It is great that you are saying, hey, I don't have time for this. I'm so proud of you:)
ReplyDeleteS.A.: i rock? thank you. NO ONE has ever told me that before! i'm going to keep going back to your comment. p.s. i am going to try to give you a call tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAngela EGL: it really is do it or die. my weight wasn't that low, but my soul was feeling pretty dead. it is so odd for me to really not care. i like the feeling! so glad to hear you are still on your path. you inspire me!!!!
Angela: it is strange to say i don't have time for my eating disorder. i barely have time to pee, so i guess it makes sense. hope it keeps up. wish we could all feel it. now, i have to get on with the rest of my life, which i really did keep on hold for, well, 46 years.
Good for you! You have a great attitude, I admire it. And your body will thank you.
ReplyDeleteThat is great and it must be a relief for your head as well as your body. ED's take up so much time and brain space just sucking the life out of a person.
ReplyDeleteI can relate to the delicious feeling of thin but I don't go down that track because there is a better feeling just accepting myself.
Your body must be saying "just let me be what I need to be" and your head must be listening.
Good on you.
Linda; it is great. who can be bothered with all the beating myself up about what i eat and what i weigh? i have so much more to think about! i may have loved being super thin, but i wasn't one smidge happier!!!
ReplyDelete