Saturday, September 4, 2010

After the Eats

i just over-ate. at 4;30 pm. still have dinner to go. with my whole family.

oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!

i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.

there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.

i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen

in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.

it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.

so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.

we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!

i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.

my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.

i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.

thanks for listening. i needed this.


  1. So glad you are having some family time with your sister. But I know the feeling of eating too much. I am feeling that right now. I already ate as many calories as I wanted to eat today, and it is 7PM and my husband asked if I want to get something to eat. Well, not really. It's good that you are talking to yourself about being gentle.

    I love the idea of eating healthy food on the deck with someone you love. No one in my family eats healthy food, and my husband doesn't like to eat outside :-(. It sounds really lovely though.

    Enjoy your haircut! That is brave, does it symbolize a new stage of your life?

  2. harriet; yes, the haircut is to make life simpler and cheaper. i have frizzy hair that i chemically straighten and color and get blown out a lot. i need to have more of a wash and wear do. and i want to be natural and real -- i can't afford not to!

    funny that we're having the same night. my niece and i had a nice walk, but now my sister needs us to cook, cook, cook. the last thing i want is to be around food, but she has no idea.

    it is lovely sitting on the deck. we've had a nice summer, going to the beach, sitting on our swing, taking morning walks. the simple things really are lovely.

    thank you for your response. it's so nice to know you're out there

  3. I've been leaving my hair natural - it's gotten curly over the last couple of years, it used to be straight. I'm thinking of doing the keratin straightening technique, but it is $450. So I just am leaving it natural, but it takes a lot of products to prevent it from being frizzy. In the winter I blow dry and straightening iron it, but that is a hassle too. When I had shorter hair it wasn't cheaper, because I had to get it cut all the time! Now I only get it cut about 3 times a year. I guess it mine is natural and real, despite all of the products. Semi-real?

    So I told the husband I wasn't hungry and he went out by himself for food. I don't know if I'm not hungry, or I don't want to eat because I already ate enough, or if I just don't want to be around him! Or all three.

    The life you describe sounds so nice - beach, deck, swing, walks. Sigh. I guess I could do those things too, except beach - it's too far. They must still be good things to do even alone, right?

    And yes, I am out here. Always here.

  4. I"m always here to listen. Trust me, what is "real" I don't ... I can't tell and sometimes I'm just not sure.

    I'm so sorry about the ignorance of the world and I hate people that "get it" that have no idea what they are talking about.

    stay strong, hold on.

  5. I'm sorry you've been having a difficult time lately. I hope you can enjoy your time with your sister and nice. It might be good to surround yourself with people who don't necessarily "get it", because you'll have the opportunity to stop focusing on the different processes. Have fun!!

    It must be hard to be around food so much, but you'll be so much stronger for it soon! Be strong, be brave :)

    Shae Adele

  6. never count the calories. You ate and realized what the reasons were behind it. That is the important thing. I think binges should be redefined like you said, if your doing for emotions that's bad, if your just doing it then not so bad. Remember your not alone.

  7. I know I already commented once, but I just wanted to re-emphasize one point you made to yourself. please be're doing well. stay strong

  8. Harriet; thank you for being here. i am here too. ahh, the hair. i have kerotin in my hair. it cost $235 at ProHaircutters which is one step up from Supercuts, but the woman who does it is really good. still, THAT'S expensive. why is frizzy hair NEVER in fashion?

    i love my country life these days. i lived in manhattan for 15 years and loaded up tons of debt going out almost every night. okay, every night. now, i like the little quiet. it's calm.

    lisa; "real". i am just beginning, beginning to learn. i think it might mean being responsible. to myself and to others and to the world. it's scarey and feels uncomfortable, but i do believe it gets better and that this will actually be the comfortable way to function in the world. we'll see.

    i am glad i'm in iop, because there are others there who really know. my "perfect" sister is not one of them. still, she's a very nice person -- just limited by her own reality.

    shae adele: yes, it can be good to focus on other stuff, but i'm not sure this is the right moment in the process. it's great to have the blog!

    food feels better today. i used it yesterday to deal with issues. don't usually do that at all. my sister's family are all natural skinnies who eat constantly -- haven't been around that in a while. and there's a lot of wine around. it's okay, though. i am coping.

    Eating Alone: yes, i did know very well why i over=ate. i even kind of let myself really use the food in the moment. in the end, it was fine. my niece and i walked. i ate a normal dinner and told myself that's what normal people do when on vacation -- enjoy some extra food. the food at my sister's isn't my usual, so there's already less comfort. they eat meat and potatoes and cook with butter and have dessert. and don't gain weight. i'm hanging in though. walking with my niece, reading, blogging. all good coping. and the weather is beautiful, and that helps! thanks for being here!!!

    lisa: thank you so much for writing again. all these responses are helping, helping. i am working on "gentle". i had one extra-ish meal. i made it thru dinner in a normal-ish way. today is a nice, new day. and it has been a really rough year. so, all in all -- the weather is gorgeous. i'm writing on my blog. it's still on vacation. i have a new book. life's okay. THANK YOU.