Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Can you believe it -- I'm being honest. Honest, honest, honest. I've told my boyfriend about multiple lies. Believe it or not, confessing is better than lying.

We'll have to see what it's like to be honorable. This is very new for me. I'm doing what i'm supposed to. Sober again -- and it doesn't suck quite so much as last time.

The purpose is to move forward and in a POSITIVE way. To change behaviors which mess with my integrity. New, new, new.

One day, I will know exactly where my moral compass is -- right inside of me.

i'm still using food, but what can I do? Even normal eaters use food when they're newly sober. So, yes, there is ALWAYS a sugar-free mint in my mouth and/or a cup of coffee in my hand, but it's better than Sauvignon Blanc and/or a cigarette.

I think i'm handling this well, particularly for me.


  1. I think you are handling it very well. Good for you! It must feel good to come clean. I lie by omission sometimes, but I did out and out lie to my pdoc today. Sigh.

  2. Ya, even normal eaters use food sometimes. I think "intuitive eating" means eating sometimes for comfort. That's human. We're not robots.

    Honesty is so hard and scary, but rewarding. I used to keep so much from my now-husband. Then, one day, he found my journal and, after lots of tears and shame, it was the best thing that ever happened to me (and us). It can be freeing to be honest and real. Keep at it.

  3. honesty is difficult. especially when we are scared of ourselves.
    i hope people around you are understanding. its brave of you to make a move in bettering yourself!

  4. Such a brave choice, it's got to be scary after living the alternative.

    I'm so PROUD of you, and so very glad, that you've made this choice ... it's another step (although this one may qualify as a LEAP) among the many steps you have already taken.

    ... it can't be easy and may take some time, but it's never too late to try (again) ...

    ... an acquaintance of mine once phrased "every day above ground is a good day" ... i often wondered if this could be true, as time passed, i found - it is!

    ... i repeat that message daily as it has always provided a sense that there's HOPE for ME ...

    ... with that said, here's sharing that same HOPE with YOU!

    hugs, snogs and more hugs,
    your Snogger

  5. You are doing very good. Sometimes you have to "use" food to work on other things. As long as you make sure you are getting to be healthy. Too much for a while doesn't kill you either. Just take care of yourself.

  6. harriet; i don't know that lying by ommission is always lying. somethings really are on a need to know basis.

    interested to hear what you told your pdoc. looking forward to your next post.

    kim: i really appreciate your thoughts. honesty is a toughy, but even though life is not easy, being truthful and honorable feels good and freeing.

    nobody girl; the people around me who know what's going on are very understanding. i don't know if i'd have as much patience and forgiveness. thank you for writing and for the support!

    Snogs; thank you, thank you, thank you = more than you know. YOU keep me going and have lead me to this path. HOPE is alive - for BOTH of us.

    Eating Alone: thank you. i have to keep telling myself and telling myself that it can be okay to use food for a little while -- that's why they serve cookies at AA, right? i am working to take care of myself. all exhausting -- but worth it.

  7. You're doing great--who the fuck cares if you always have a mint in your mouth? I'm proud of you, especially for being honest with your boyfriend. Lying is never a good choice; living close to the truth is the easiest way to live. Period.

    Keep up the good work and know you're loved.


  8. I'm a big fan of honesty, but I'm an even bigger fan of the "need to know" not bringing it up stuff. And of course, I still have my weed problem, which is a problem, but very low-level compared with alcohol. I think it's okay to use food for comfort to some extent, but I think yoga is much better. I wouldn't function at all without exercise, and walking doesn't count. Hell, I barely function anyway. Walking is meditative for me, but to really affect my mood/body chemistry, I need different.

  9. VLL: thank you. i need the support, all around. ooohhh, have i made mistakes. and i'm just trying to get used to life -- plain old, sober life. hmmmmm. they say it gets better. honesty is key. and as i keep saying, so new for me.

    Julie; i'm glad you reminded me about yoga. i am so stressed -- I need something. and something healthy. i'm tired of eating out of boredom and for comfort. need to find tools. thanks!