Friday, December 19, 2008

sleeping and eating

i'm having a lot of trouble sleeping. a lot of wine and klonopin put me out and kept me out.

i've always been an insomniac. my natural sleep pattern is to fall asleep at 4 am and wake up at 11. when i waitressed or house managed theaters, that worked well.

but now i can't even sleep. i have trouble falling asleep and staying asleep and then nap on and off all day. not great patterns! i hope this gets better. i often think sleep is the most important thing in our lives. with enough sleep, we can do anything.

lack of sleep always makes me eat more. i think it will give me energy or i'm just too tired not to eat constantly. i don't like that whole deal!!!!!!!!!

eating's been weird during my detox. like the last time i came off klonopin, i've been nauseous and have zero appetite. and food looks and smells icky. i have eaten bits of things and made myself have dinner at my brother's tonight. it's even weirder, because i have my period, and that's when i always eat the most.

this pattern worries me, because it starts to become interesting. i've lost four pounds (that will happen when you cut out a bottle or so of wine a night and have no appetite.)

i hear my ED getting excited. "see, Melissa, you don't need to eat. look how little you're eating now. excellent work. bravo."

will he ever shut up?

i do feel certain that my appetite will return and my constant interest in food will return. this exact thing happened the last time i cut out klonopin and my ulcer flared like crazy. i lost a ton of weight, thought it was cool and interesting, but started eating again, like i always do.

so, this post was kind of blah. i initially wrote it so no one would read the one after it. i guess i do want you to read it. i've considered deleting it so many times or asking a friend's opinion first (you've heard this one before), but i'm leaving it up and keeping my fingers crossed that i made the right decision.


  1. Sleep doesn't come easy to me, either. I cannot remember the last time I had a decent one, Ambien or no.

    Have you ever tried herbal remedies with hops and Valerian? Would you like me to get some for you and send them out?

    That klonopin will be gone soon. And just think how marvellous you will feel...

    Stick with it. And keep nibbling!

  2. I know what it is like to not sleep. I tried all number of remedies that wouldn't hurt me, but one I liked the most was yoga and meditation afterward. I crashed out and got 8 solid hours without waking once, and woke up in the morning refreshed and with a sense of well being. I'm asking myself now why I stopped going to yoga...?

    Tell your ED to shut the hell up. But I suspect that after all these toxins have been erased from your body, you will see things much more clearly. You'll be able to fight that ED more effectively. the drugs and alcohol just confused things more when you were trying to silence those demons.

    Take care of yourself, take long lovely bubble baths, nibble on some grapes and imagine you are a long ago heroine in a tower, a princess who has been trapped by the evil Baron, Klonopin, and his evil minion, Cabernet... Except your prince is YOU.

    Take care, sweetheart, and know we are all behind you 100%

  3. annie; i've never tried the natural stuff -- i was afraid of it, all the while guzzling controlled substances. have any of them worked for you? i'm very shakey today, but i'll write it out in my next post. i feel like i'm getting close to ending the relationship. scarey, but real. i won't do anything till i'm feeling better.

    karen: you crack me up. yes, that evil minion cabernet. all this support means everything to me. i'm focussing on doing things and being places that feel safe. for now, i'm keeping things small, so i don't have cravings. sadly, that's meant staying away from the boyfriend. this is all scarey. when do we get peace?