Friday, December 26, 2008

on the wagon

it's harder this time -- being clean and sober. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's because i'm taking it seriously this time? last time i stopped drinking, i think i knew i'd drink again.

this time, i seem to have realized that i can't and don't drink moderately. i've kept the receipt warning the cop gave me instead of a DUI right next to my computer, so i'll see it everyday. To remember that there are serious repercussions when i drink and take pills. i can not drink, and i cannot take sedatives. bah, humbug.

last time, i didn't discuss how tough it was. sometimes, when we get off substances, we feel so good and proud and physically better -- that's called a pink cloud. i had one for a month after i got off crack and the last time i gave up alcohol and, later, pills. not so, this time. it's been rougher and harder.

last time i got off alchol, it was in rehab, surrounded by people who'd been drinking god knows what or how much for more years than they could remember. many were shaking and ill from the withdrawal. my experience was easy in comparison and, so, perhaps i didn't take it as seriously. and i was still taking klonopin and ambien.

this time is HARD. i've been out at a bar twice and have gone to one party. i've got a party tomorrow night and dinner with my whole family Sunday, Monday and possible Tuesday too. my sister-in-law will drink her usual 4, my brother-in-law will have his usual two, and my sister will gracefully nurse her one. and we'll have delicious food, which is, for me at this point in recovery, far less delicious that it would be with a full-bodied cab. (it bugs how much i long for wine. and shows me, again, how good it is that i'm in recovery.))

one side effect of this whole experience -- i feel like i have narcilepsy. my eyes close all the time, no matter how much sleep i get. they're starting to droop.

tomorrow, i'll tell you about my christmas dinner and the two nights at a bar. my sense -- the smart thing to do is to limit those activities. they take a lot out of me.

off to bed. i hope i feel a little rested tomorrow. (i hope we all feel rested tomorrow.)


  1. Giving up something gets harder every time we try again. We may think the first time is the hardest, but it most definitely isn't - not in my experience, anyway.

    I'm glad you are OK. I was starting to get concerned, but obviously you are just busy attending family occasions and doing really, really well by the sounds of it. I am very proud of you, my dear. You are really battling those demons with a loaded weapon and a full suit of armour. Make sure it is utterly impenetrable.

    Happy Christmas, Melissa, and all my love to you to keep on fighting. xx

  2. So good that you can express how much this just... sucks. But, nonetheless, you're doing it. True grit, girl. You GO!
    I love that you keep the cop's receipt there. I bet that would make his day, too. I imagine that being a police officer rarely allows you to see the good you do in the world.

  3. You are very brave. No, quitting the second, third or hundreth time is not easy by any stretch of the imagination, from what I've seen. Quitting at the holidays is probably so much more difficult.

    Sleep all you need to. It is your body's way of recovering. Listen to your body and treat it accordingly. One thing we women have been programmed to do, which adds to our difficulties is to ignore what our bodies tell us, we are taught to suck it up, push past it, stop whining, and get over it. Not so. We need to seriously learn to become one with our bodies again. We will be much more content, more in tuned with ourselves, and much healthier. And that is the name of the game, right?

    I'm getting the patch New Years eve. My youngest daughter sobbed for hours when she caught me smoking. She's heartbroken. Whoever says they quit not for others but for themselves never looked their child in the face and saw raw heartbreak there. Quitting for her IS quitting for me. It isn't all about me. It's mostly about them. And only maybe 10% about me. Yes, I know, my own health is important, but she is most important. I cant bear to see her so upset.

    I know that quitting smoking isn't the same as what you are going through, but for me it is very difficult. I had such pride in my health as a non smoker. Now I don't have that pride anymore, and I don't like it.

    I think you are incredibly strong for what you are doing.

    I'm glad you are not hiding away, and facing your monsters head on. Good for you, my friend. I'll be calling you soon. I've been up to my eyeballs here in Florida. I'm sorry. But know I've been thinking of you. Take care, and have fun, too.

    Best wishes for a happy and healthy new year.

  4. Annie T: i've been busy...uh, sleeping. and running errands. and going out. we have a party tonight and the less easy family coming tomorrow,so, i'm a little nervous about my emotions. but feeling solid in sobriety, et. al. darius isn't drinking at all now, in solidarity. it seems so easy for him. now, now little addictive self -- he has other problems. thank you for caring!!!!

    D.M.: great point -- the Roxbury cop helped save my life. i actually thought of contacting him to say thank you, but that feels weird. i wouldn't know what to say -- uh, thanks for not giving me a ticket. maybe he knows in his heart.

    Karen: quitting smoking is as hard as anything. it took my dad, sister and mom a million years. my dad, in particular, was always sneaking his unfiltered packs into the garage. they finally all quit forever after multiple tries. and i'd bet my mom and sister snuck some along the way after that, but after a few years, they didn't again.

    smoking really is pretty bad for you, and if you need your children as a reason, take it. it's a gift. i think by doing for your children you ARE doing it for yourself. can you really stand to see your daughters crying with heartbreak?

    just be gentle with yourself, emotionally AND physically. one of my old boyfriends was a hair-ball. when he got the patch and then had to rip them off, it was excruciating for him (and i hate to say, kind of funny to watch). he laughed too! good luck. and i'm sure you're not furry!!!!

  5. You chose such a difficult time of year to do this!! You're doing brilliantly! I want to send you a squeeze :) Hope you had a good Christmas, I have no idea how you managed not drinking... you have seriously good willpower!

  6. Abi: i guess i do have willpower. it's great that the boyfriend isn't drinking either. and i know this is the best thing for me. not easy, no. but i'm starting to feel better. and a little proud. your support means so much to me!

  7. You're right to feel proud! I keep thinking of you... hope you manage into the New Year, even I'm going to be tempted by drink tomorrow... and that's a rarity x

    You've made a massive achievement already.

  8. Just wanted to see how all the gatherings have been going. I know how draining those can be! I always read your blog, but I don't always comment :) I totally support you and appreciate your honesty about how f-ing hard it is.

  9. Abi: i'm managing so far, though it's taking it out of me.i'm looking forward to the end of this season. may the new year bring joy to us all. i have a feeling that change is coming for me, i think it will be you have any season of 2009 for you?

    kim. thank you for checking in. i'm nearly done. one more. then -- halleluhah!!!!! happy to know you're here. i read tons of blogs and don't always comment. nice to hear from you.