Monday, December 15, 2008

Ode to Wine

it is going be very difficult for me to give up wine. i love it. i spend so much money on it. i'm going to put $15 a day, every day, in a jar. that's what i spend on wine every day. unless i'm treating myself to some ridiculously priced scrumptious cabernet.

wine is everywhere. my girlfriends and i meet at bars and have a great time. she usually flirts with the bartender, and we end up getting free drinks. i love being out. the boyfriend hates it, and i've mentioned i've used vino to dull the issues there.

i don't want to go out to eat if i can't have wine. i know i'll need to stay home for a while. but i love to drink at home too. still, it's a little easier than restaurants.

this sounds bizarre, but i'm serious -- who wants to eat out and not have a drink? diet coke and lamb chops?

the holidays are coming. i planned to be clean before christmas. the early days of sobriety are usually easy and filled with pride. i was going to put rehab off until after the holidays, but there is no time for the present.

being around drinkers is hard. when i was sober for three months, it got harder as time passed.

one of the hardest -- i visited my sister and we had lovely meals, night after night. she and her husband weren't working that week. they both drank with dinner each night. my sister sips one, slowly. so slowly. there's still a bit left when dinner's over. her husband usually had two. i was dying. the thing is. i don't sip one over a three hour period. and then switch to decaf.

can i ask people not to drink around me for a while? that makes me uncomfortable too.

my sister-in-law is quite a drinker. but bless her wooden leg, she can drink 5 beers and go write a smashing proposal for her job. whenever we go out, she drinks and drinks and drinks. we'll be traveling a lot over the next few months. it's going to be hard. but not impossible.

i want this sobriety. i choose it. it's for me. i'm not a victim.

i thought this post was going to be a love letter to big cabernets, but it wasn't. it's a note to self about why i'm doing this. i want to be proud of myself. i want to be under no influence if stopped by a cop. i want a clear head to make healthy choices.

i'm doing this for me, but i'm also doing it for my niece. i love her like my own. we text all the time. we email. we phone (she lives in pittsburgh.) if i visit her, she and i get in trouble for staying up and giggling all night. i want to be clean and sober for her. i don't want her to see her beloved Auntie Mel drunk at xmas dinner.

i've got some good reasons. and there are more


  1. Wow, yeah. You really do have to make the commitment to a complete lifestyle change when you commit to sobriety. No more hanging around the old haunts. No more wine. No more old habits.

    This will be difficult for you.

    I always order ice water with a squeeze of lemon. It helps to put the body back into a balanced PH, and is refreshing as hell. Then sometimes if I want, I have a Pepsi. I rarely drink wine with my meals. I'm one of the lucky ones who doesn't like alcohol with meals. I'm not a beer and pizza gal either, like most people.

    This will be difficult, but it sounds as if you are so tired of the way things have been, and are truly ready to get healthy, mind and body. I'm proud of you.

  2. I would definitely drop the old habits. I would also let people know you are trying to stay sober and they will need to respect that. I lost a lot of "friends" when I stopped smoking weed. This is for you, not anyone else. When going out with friends, try different activities that don't involve alcohol. This isn't just about stopping an addiction-its opening yourself up to truly living, a filling that void with real fulfillment.

    You've got my support:)

  3. My boyfriend has been sober for a few months. It's tough. I always say that I didn't know he was an alcoholic until he STOPPED drinking. I mean, he was so happy while drinking all that wine. Then, because of a liver test wake-up call, he stopped and became a totally different person. I felt like, "Wow, ok, so he NEEDED this before. Wow." It's not easy to give it up, and I commend your efforts. It's really hard in our society because drinking is EVERYWHERE. My boyfriend still has to remind people that he doesn't drink and there's always the peculiar stare in response. Just know yourself and do what's best for you. Over time, it might feel empowering to say no to alcohol. I think my boyfriend has started to feel like it's a mini rebellion to NOT drink (since so many other people do). Have you read the book "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs? I highly recommend it. He has this funny line about how Diet Coke is the dry martini of recovering alcoholics. Hey, whatever works!

  4. "i want this sobriety. i choose it. it's for me. i'm not a victim."

    A hard road, but it sounds like the current one is even more difficult. You are absolutely right; you are not a victim. I wish you well in taking your life back.