Friday, December 12, 2008


the secrets just keep on flowing. let's tackle body image and food.

i've been taking the weight loss drug, Alli, for the last three days. for any of you who thinks this is a good idea -- IT'S NOT. i haven't lost an ounce, but i have a constant stomach ache and feel queasy. when i go home, i'm throwing out the rest. how much have i spent on drugs that end up in the toilet?

and i've proclaimed that i'm okay with my weight, but that's not a 24/7 experience. i get scared. much like Oprah, i weighed 200 pounds for a long time. and i'm exactly her height.

i was doing okay. i told myself i could eat what i wanted (mind you, nothing wild) and i stopped thinking about food so much. i got a lot accomplished at work. i did all my christmas shopping (i am quite pleased with myself here. this is not usually a shining strength.) i had dinner with my family (you remember the brother who loves to eat. well, he loves to cook too. with butter, heavy cream, more butter, sour cream, mashed potatoes, pot roast. not a veggie in sight. i did bring a salad, but i enjoyed a couple of meals with them.)

i was pretty happy chugging along. also planning the scarey trip to rehab (telling the boyfriend), et. al

then a funny thing happened on the way to the scale. i started to gain weight. after fluctuating from 132-134 (and that's after weighing 126 for months), the scale said 135.

that distracted me from most other things and my old rules came rushing back. i canceled a 6;30 dinner with an acquaintance at a restaurant where they don't serve alcohol. let's take each point separately:

1. the dinner was really early for me. if i eat at 6:30, i'm antsy the rest of the night. i spent days trying to figure out what to eat that was light enough to let me eat again later.

2. this particular acquaintance is obsessed with her weight and talks about it a lot. when i worked at a weight loss center, i helped her lose a lot of weight. now, she's all about maintaining 128 and watching every morsel. when i worked at the center, i weighed 122. i pictured her peering at my round cheeks. i didn't want to talk about weight all night. in this way, canceling felt like self-care

3. ah, the alcohol. now that i'm drinking, i don't like to go anywhere where they don't have wine. i don't know what to do with myself and consider heading to a bar after. but that doesn't really work, because i like to drink on an empty stomach, so i can get nice and tipsy.

i admit to strong urges to pull out of my rehab extravaganza, but i've told too many people to back out. boyfriend, brother and sister-in-law, therapist, psychiatrist, cousin, nyc friends. i'm going. (the only one missing is my sister. she's the toughest customer.) and of course, i'm telling you!

i am practicing some self-care. i'm going to ask my psychiatrist, who's affiliated with the hospital, to see if i can be less medicated while there. they like to keep you like a zombie as you withdraw, but i wasn't able to do much of anything. this time, i want to write a lot and read and contemplate.

one of the nicest parts of the experience last time -- i'm not a smoker, but i'd sit on the patio bonding with everyone else and bumming Marlboro Reds. this time i'm bringing cigs. and sharing.


  1. I think it's brilliant that you are doing this. Very, very positive and you will feel so much better. I also admire you for not wanting to go into a comatose state - will they put you on Librium?

    You'll do it, and we'll be rooting for you all the way. Even if you aren't writing, your friends will be thinking of you and praying for your safe, healthy return.

    Keep going, Melissa. It's going to be the making of you.

    All my love, as ever xxx

  2. Kudos to you for being able to assess your mental state and your subsequent needs with such a cool eye even while you make your way through such emotional turmoil. That you can, even in the tempest, still do the right thing and take care of yourself speaks to a tremendous inner strength. You're going to make it.
    I hope you can keep us updated- but either way, know you've got loads of positive energy coming your way.

  3. thank you, annie. it's scarey, but it's best. i an going to try to get them to give me the least groggy-inducing meds possible. last time, i was in a daze a lot of the time. i had a long talk with my psychiatrist about what meds she thinks are best. i'll be on lexapro and take trazedone (non-addictive) for sleep. i don't want or think i need depakote, the anti-seizure. that's the one that makes you a big old zombie. they will probably give me valium as i get off alcohol, but i'm going to ask for the least possible. my body and mind
    love benzos too much. i don't want to suffer though, and i'll take what they deem necessary. but i want the conscious state to write and read and daydream. hope i didnt overwhelm you with meds info.

    i won't be able to use a computer, but i'll take notes. it's going to be weird without my blogger buddies. you guys are a huge lifeline.

    and i set up a twice a week group for when i get out. i was in it before and it kept me off crack (i think i mentioned this already.) but it calms me to know i'm there.

    Danielle Marie. thanks for your support!!!!! i really need it. it's scarey to go to rehab. and i have five more days. sometimes, it's easier just to go. but it's best. i want a real life where there are more interesting things than wine, klonopin, more wine, and sleep meds. i admire all your interests, and i plan on exploring mine when i'm sober. i want to move closer to nyc and start going to readings again and seeing old friends who kept me intellectually stimulated. maybe take a writing class...? i haven't been doing much lately, and my mind is bellowing, "feed me, not with hot fudge sundaes or wine or drugs. stimulate me!"