Sunday, December 21, 2008

i have to remember

....that the last time i came off klonopin, i felt EVEN worse. that the last time i came off klonopin, i weaned myself. this time i went cold turkey. that the last time i came off klonopin, i was sick for over a week, even after i'd weaned myself down. that the last i time i came off klonopin, i was already off alcohol.

giving up klonopin and a bottle of wine is difficult. i can not expect to feel well (read -- NOT ANXIOUS) quickly. (i'm currently a hyped up stream-of-consciousness ball of nerves.)

the last time it took over a week, and i finally felt human again.

i have to remember that i will feel human again.


  1. You will. As hard as it is to believe, this too will pass. Stay strong!!

  2. thank you. my therapist called to see how i was and reminded me how hard this is. this too will pass!

  3. Yes yes! Temporary.... The important thing is that you're doing it!

  4. I'm encouraged that your therapist is calling you. That gives me a great deal of comfort for you.

    You will feel less and less anxious, each day until you feel normal again. You are doing great. Your mind IS stronger than that garbage that took you over. You are stronger than the wine, and the klonopin. By far.

    Sleep well tonight, sweetheart.

  5. DM: yes, i say "temporary". "TEMPORARY". i will feel better. temporary, temporary..... my new word of the day. and my body and mind will thank me, eventually.

    karen; the woman who called runs the group that i'm going back to. she's amazing and the warmest human on earth. i think i'm mad at my main therapist at the moment. but that's good. i have a terrible time with anger, and my therapist can handle it. i can learn to deal with emotions with her. i've kept so many secrets for so long. giving them up is setting me free. (isn't it fancy to have a therapist, a psychiatrist and group therapist?) you sleep well too!

  6. Good to see you are writing about this. I think when words hit paper (computer) they give a more comprehensive meaning to what one is feeling. As though, in the process of reading, you can make sense of it all. It becomes a separate story of sorts.

    So, it seems now you are alone with your thoughts and nothing to keep them quiet. That feeling of surreality is not forever. Well, not so much not for ever, it is perhaps how you think and not a bad thing. Past history and secrets will fade once you accept them for what they are - just stuff. They don't define you - they are just crap that happens when we don't have tools to cope with life. The therapist helps you make a good tool kit.

  7. I am rooting for you. There is so much freedom in living without needing external lifters. I wish I was better at it myself.

    Keep pushing through this.

  8. Linda; yes, yes writing it down helps clear it up. i've become so honest since i've started blogging. somehow, if i write it, i see it, and then do something about it. happily, i'm feeling so much better - seven days in. and perhaps soon, i'll feel like myself again -- only better...?

    Gaining Back My Life: it does feel freer to have no "crutches", but it is scarey. as things come up, i actually have to face them. eeeek! but i that's what a lot of people do, right? i, myself, hate discomfort and have always tried to anesthetize in some way. i wonder what life will be like this way. more adult?