Sunday, December 14, 2008

the near DUI

i don't believe in angels, but someone's trying to remind that i really do need rehab.

this has never happened to me before, but i was pulled over by TWO police cars. yes, i'm a terrible night driver. yes, i was on the phone, yapping with my sister, but YES i had taken klonopin, taken a nap and woken up beyond groggy at 6;30 pm.

late to the boyfriends, i threw on clothes and didn't even stop for the coffee i usually guzzle when i wake up.

so, there i was, blabbering away to the sis, NOT noticing that i hadn't yielded to a police officer AND that i was driving in the shoulder for quite a while.

cops come to the window, which is frozen shut initially. then, i was so panicked, i couldn't find my license and registration. that found, the officer asked me if were on something, was i taking something. terrified, because my klonopin prescription is from India and NOT my psychiatrist, i just mumbled something about lexapro, my anti-depressant.

THEN, he made me get out of the car for those balance tests. he asked if i'd been drinking, and i hadn't, so i practically begged him to breathalize me, and i just kept saying i was bleary from the nap. he made me do some balance exercise where you stand on one foot and balance, counting one-one thousandish, etc. all the way up to 30. i could do three.

"lady", he said, "you have to be honest with me. if you've taken something i can help you, but if you don't tell me, i'm going to have to book you for DUI and revoke your license."

so, i confessed that i'd taken klonopin for anxiety, and it had made me really sleepy. i told him i'd lied because i was scared.

after that he was a sweetheart. he had his buddy drive my car to my house, and he drove me thirty minutes to my boyfriend.

i did get an angel, because trust me, new jersey cops are NOT known for their kindness when dealing with potential DUIs.

one more sign that i'm ready for detox. i need to clean my house out of everything. last time, i left some klonopin and it took another month to get off that. that hurt!

drugs, alcohol, eating disorders -- they all lead to really uncomfortable, scarey and embarrassing situations. if i'm in the bathroom for an extra minute, i'm sure everyone thinks i'm up-chucking. when i was binging, i would cross new york city streets without looking to get to the nearest store. i really didn't care. alcohol -- who cares whom i made out with in bars, and sometimes, whom i took home. and i won't even start the crack stories.

i'm ready to have some freedom and joy. and even to know the pain that i'm no longer anesthetizing.

by the way, i tried that balancing thing this afternoon -- cold sober, drug-free. i could just count to 4. but that doesn't matter. what matters is i could have spent the night in jail, booked, and with no license.


  1. I am so glad that you were picked up by someone sympathetic! It was a close call though! I'm relieved that you're safe.

  2. Flippin' 'eck what an evening! I'm glad you're ok too..

    I think we're all guilty of numbing things out with food, booze, sometimes drugs.... it's so easy to slip over the thin line that seperates addiction from non-addiction... :(

  3. Yes, lucky indeed. Nice to know that people care. Sometimes the world can seem full of people who have hearts made of stone. It is great when someone out there does a good deed just for the sake of it. Hope you are a bit better now.

  4. Oh, girl, thank GOD. New Jersey cops typically have hearts of stone. Thank God you hadn't been drinking, either. You for sure would have been sunk if so.

    I'm glad you are going to rehab. I care about you and want to see you get healthy.

    I also want to mention that I don't want you to feel undue pressure. Too often people go into rehab as if it going to be the magical cure, and when they slip later on, are more punishing of themselves. I think group therapy is a brilliant way to counteract this.

    Good luck, sweetie, and know we all care about you.

  5. A.F. thank you for your concern. it was surreal. i didn't know what was going to happen.

    Abi: the line IS very thin. i just wanted a nap and a little peace. time to find new ways. won't be easy.

    linda: i am better, thank you. it WAS very unusual. roxbury cops are know to be the toughest and i believe they're not allowed to drive a "perp" out of their jurisdiction. he took me over two counties! i did learn a good lesson

    karen: you're so smart. i know all too well that relapse is an integral part of recovery. but i'm ready to stop relapsing. i set it up with my therapist that she'll test me for alcohol and benzos every week. i look so innocent, but i've been known to lie to her. if i relapse, i'll pick myself up and start over again. but i'm beginning to have new, interesting, healthy plans, and i'd like to have the chance to get what i want.