Sunday, December 21, 2008

a funny thing happened on the way to the scale

okay, so this is my fourth or is it fifth post of the day? think someone's got some energy to burn?

back to my weight. i'm not going to ignore it. i've lost seven pounds since i started this detox. do i like it? you betcha.

but this time i'm not buying it. are you listening ED?

we know i've kind of "hermitted" myself in for the detox, but please, i spent a good part of yesterday looking at my flat stomach. (i think it's time to start getting out, maybe?)

i loved my flat stomach. i admired it much of the day.

admittedly, the first two days of detox i was nauseous and appetite-free. admittedly, dumping the bottle of wine cost me some calories, and it IS snowy and icey out and i didn't feel well, so i didn't make my usual food runs.

but, i liked that flat stomach way too much.

when i hopped eagerly on to my brother's scale this morning it said 124. not the 131 i've been weighing recently, nor the 134 i brought back from california.

124 isn't low for many (some of you may think that's a humongous number), but it's too low for me. i can't maintain it without going hungry.

the number frightened me. i don't want to go back. i don't want to watch my stomach all day.

today, i ate. breakfast, lunch, steak and rice (and asparagus) for dinner and some cookies. when my tummy rumbled, i ate.



  1. Oh, yes, that memory of being thin is like a Siren singing, tempting indeed but not worth embracing again. Body needs nutrition to function normally - especially the brain. So glad you are able to understand that feeling and doing the right thing. Sometimes fear is a good thing. Keeps us safe.

  2. DONT DO IT. for the love of god dont. do. it.

    dont go back, its really not worth it.

    im pro ana but sometimes i really really hate it.

    what i want most is to go back to when i didnt care what i ate, when i didnt know the calories in everything i looked at, and when i didnt have to exercise religiously in order to actually fall asleep.

    theres nothing amazing about it. just remember why you left it in the first place and remember that the greater accomplishment is not watching the numbers diminish, but being able to eat what ever you want and to be actually HAPPY.

    good luck girl<3

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  3. Cheers love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    I am dreaming of dressing, Turkey, gravy,
    mashed potatoes, and pie................
    I am cooking Christmas day, and a feast we shall have.................

  4. Ah, yes. I know how you are feeling right now too, although perhaps not to the magnitude that you feel it. Each and every single woman is programmed it seems, to feel joy and validation when the scale shows a smaller number than we are used to. I do not feel I have an ED, but I have the mentality, and come from the sort of breeding ground that creates one. My sister suffered for YEARS with an ED.

    I have lost weight recently too. I had been weighing in at 131 for a year. I gained weight when I quit smoking. It bothered me, but not enough to do anything about it.

    Lately Ive been stressed. I've picked up smoking again, although not as much as I used to...

    I've lost 8 pounds in the last 2 weeks. 123. Yeah, I've admired my clavicle the way you admire your stomach. Not as often, but the admiration is there.

    Why do we do this to ourselves? Place such importance on numbers instead of health?

    I hate it, but I secretly thrill over it too.

    I keep telling myself that it is meaningless, that we will all be just bones one day, when we are dead. We will all look the same. All skinny white bones. Shit. Why isnt' that enough to make me want to be healthy?

    It is a vicious cycle of self destruction that anyone with a painful past seems to have. But how to break it? If I knew that, I'd be fine.

  5. You know my feelings on it all, sweetheart...why go backwards when all you have done, for nearly two years, is steam ahead? Those photos you sent to me showed a beautiful, vivacious woman with light in her eyes, wonderful hair, a gorgeous smile on her face and peace in her aura.

    Don't wreck it all, for your sake, because we all care for you so much. XXX

  6. Merry Christmas...............
    Be kind to yourself....
    cant wait to hear from you again.

  7. Linda: i love that -- it IS like a Siren singing. i have been saying that to myself for the last two days -- the Siren is calling, and i am not listening. thank you!

    sophia: i appreciate your honesty. and i'm glad you can see, in some form, that there's nothing amazing about being skinny.i refuse to go back. too painful. i was put on diets at such a young age -- i can rarely remember a time when calories didn't count. i'm going to try to find that place in my head. you got me thinking.

    me:i hope you do enjoy your feast. and i'm glad you'll eat -something. i'm going to a big party tonight. i'm less worried about food than alcohol. i'm a little worried about food, because i won't have that alcohol to soothe me. i know i won't drink. i wonder if i'll want to? look forward to hearing from you again too.

    karen; great points. i always wonder what's so interesting about being thin? as women, we ARE programmed for thrill when those numbers drop. i hope you're taking care of yourself. these are stressful times. lots of love.

    annie: thank you for your words. i've been dragging lately, for a lot of reasons. i don't want to lose any light in my eyes. it's a good thing to remember. okay, gorgeous (and that would be inside and out)?

  8. Where are you? Thinking of you!
    Merry Christmas... Peace to you!

  9. Danielle Mari: Thank you for asking. i've been running around, staying with the boyfriend and SLEEPING. You really put the bowling bug into me. when my niece and nephew get here, i think we'll have to bowl. (even the little ones beat me. ) Happy, happy holidays! Peace to you!!