Thursday, December 18, 2008

i didn't go

this is a hard post to write. i feel like i'm letting everyone down.

i didn't go to rehab. i was scared. i didn't want to have a stranger for a roommate. i didn't want to make the drive. i didn't want my tweezers taken away. and to not be able to shut the door to my room. and i got my period wednesday and new they'd never give me enough motrin to deal with my incredible cramps.

i think my therapist missed something in our last session Tuesday. i wanted to talk about how scared i was to go. she wanted to talk about how i was going to stay clean and sober after i got out.

proudly, i'm detoxing at home. i'm taking a double dose of antabuse (it's allowed), so there's no way i can get near a drink. (it's weird blogging without a class of wine next to me.)

and i'm withdrawing from klonopin. this is less easy. i'm shakey and not all here, but it's nowhere near as bad as last time. MOOD SWINGS!

it's actually kind of pleasant taking this time for me. i'm reading a great book, taking lots of baths and talking on the phone to my one friend who knows i'm home. she came and took me out for lunch and to the drugstore to refill my antabuse prescription.

my boyfriend has been great. he's leaving me alone, which i need. he calls to see how i'm doing, and if i want him to come over. i tell him no. i need to go thru this by myself.

we're expecting a major snow storm tomorrow, so he brought me groceries, because i will definetely be snowed in up here on the mountain. and a jewelry box, because i don't have one. and i love my jewelry

he told me how much he loves me. he's been through this before with me detoxing and withdrawing and it's so foreign to him.

i asked if he'd go to counseling with me. first, to understand more about addiction, so he can get a better idea of this whole crazy, awful thing. second, i want us to work some stuff out in our relationship. he said yes.

my one wonderful friend and darius are the only two people who know i didn't go. now you all do.

i'm happy to have this free time. last time i detoxed, i was working a super stressful job. and i had to lie about y i needed time off. and i went back to work the very next day, emotionally and physically drained. in this job, i'm off until after new years.

i want to say i got clean and sober in 2008. not 2009.

one day and counting.


  1. Don't be so hard on yourself! I think it's great that you can do something so hard on your own, and that your motivated enough to do it at all.

    You're fine. Better than fine. Keep it up :]
    xo Hana

  2. Thank you. your comment means a lot. it's been good. i've been clean and sober and peaceful (other than the withdrawal crap.)

    i stayed away from blogging, because of my embarrassment AND i felt like hell yesterday - period, detox.

    i've been on blogger for hours now. it's very different blogging without a glass of red wine in my hand. maybe now i won't make as many typos! thanks again for writing.

  3. One day! That's great!
    Sounds like you're doing your own personal rehab. Who is anyone to question what works for you?
    Yey bf for saying and doing all the right things.
    Keep on keeping on! Don't foget to look at how pretty the snow looks when it blankets the branches.

  4. What do they say at AA? One day at a time. One hour at a time, if that's what it takes.

    Whether you are detoxing in a clinic with no tweezers, your home with tweezers, or with the Dalai Lama in Tibet, you're doing it and THAT'S THE MAIN THING!!

    The snow is obviously a God-send. But I hope you'll keep safe and warm.

    More in a mail to you, my dear pal. xx

    I'm proud of you!

    You still have the same positivity, drive, ambition and determination. So who cares where you do it? WHO have you let down? No-one. Not a single person. Not yourself - and definitely NOT fellow bloggers!!

  5. My husband's sister is currently detoxing at home. She, like you, was going to go to rehab but just could not face it. They make her feel like a stupid middle aged woman who tipples too much. Much more complex than that. So she is doing it at home. Five days into it and no drink. Doing well. She feels really proud she is doing well so far.

    Enjoy the peace and quiet. lots of time for positive reflection and cups of tea. Well done.

  6. First of all, you are NOT letting anyone down. I think you are very brave detoxing at home. The point is, you were ready to do it. As everyone above has said, it doesn't matter where. I wonder about your counselor. I agree with positive reinforcement for your sobriety in the future, but isn't it important to talk and go over what you are feeling PRIOR to going into rehab? That way you STAY clean and sober? I mean, after all, you need this rehab for a reason, and if all she wants to talk about is how you are going to do in the FUTURE, well, that is not helping you in the here and now. I'd bring that up next time. Never forget, she works for YOU. Not the other way around.

    Enjoy the rest of this peaceful time, Mel, and know we are all on your side, pulling for you.

  7. I'm with the others :) doesn't matter where you do it, if you have the willpower and strength to do it at home (you do) then well done, go for it Melissa!! :)

    Naughty counsellor, focussing on the future before addressing the present..*sucks air through teeth* ;)

    One hour at a time (it's how I live through my's very familiar to me...) xxx

  8. I agree with the others as well. You will always have support on here! You are doing what you feel you need to do, and good for you.

    Hope you're well!!

  9. hey everyone - just wanted to warn you i'm kind of shakey today. klonopin stays in your system a long time and it must be making it's final farewell about now, so my bodies aflutter. bye-bye bad klonopin!

    danielle marie: thank you for reminding me to smell the roses. bf is a florist, so maybe i'll even get some!

    annie: bless you. i have truly come to see i am a fighter. beginning to be my own champion. just starting to ask for what i need. so far, so good.

    linda; i know how your aunt feels. rehabs are too busy to take each person as an individual. i had my own issues. here, it's quite lovely. and i have the biggest bathtub on earth. i live in a tiny apartment and it's my one luxury. AND i have bubble bath!

    karen; my therapist will be hearing from me. i think she knew i'd been to this place before and it was fine. you're very safe inpatient. no access. they always worry that when you go home to your life, your problems, and your corner liquor store, that's when things get dangerous. i see therapist tuesday. i'll let you know. AND i start my group therapy on tuesday too. i loved that group

    Abi; it is good to remember one hour at a time. in one hour i can write a blog, i can read a magazine, watch Oprah, take a bath. much better than focusing on next week's work!!!!!thank you

    Sarah; you have been wonderfully supportive all the way. and i highly recommend your wonderful blog, showing your recovery. (i'm having problems with my computer today. can't seem to copy or link or do many things. maybe it's in withdrawal too. sarah, if i haven't explained your blog well enough, and you can send a link so it's easier to access, please feel free.

  10. Sometimes the journey is what it's all about, and sometimes it's the finish line. Your finish line is second to none. If you can do this on your own, than do it. I think there's a world of support behind you.

  11. GBML: i like what you wrote. thank you. now that i've "outed" myself that i'm home, friends who read the blog are calling and in such supportive ways. my life has come a very long way, and i am very grateful.