Monday, April 11, 2011

Not a Problem

i'm going to mention my weight and my eating, so if that's difficult for anyone, i completely understand.

I'm 5'6, and this morning I weighed 135 at the boy's house. That's the most i weighed in years and years and years. It's fine, and I look fine, but i'm no longer super thin, as i was for years. In my mind, being slim was one of my best (and only)claims to fame

Last summer, when my world was so crazy and i was drinking like crazy, i weighed 110. SUPER skinny -- i looked awful.

I've gained a lot of this weight recently and quickly. I'm sure that my horrible new work hours and unhappiness in the job have contributed to this burst of pounds - eating out of boredom comes into play. and with the weird hours, my body's not sure when it's truly hungry or if it's just tired.

BUT i've been eating differently and better. I used to live on salad and red wine. i had to seriously restrict to keep my weight light.

so, i'm no longer exclusive with salad. i'm now dating around. this must be fairly confusing for my body -- red meat! potato salad! butter!

I'm still okay, though. In the past i would have created a problem somewhere where there wasn't a problem

My weight is fine. I'm fine. The guy I'm seeing doesn't have an ounce of diminished passion, because i'm heavier than when he met me.

i was raised to believe that people would like me less if i weighed more. i was raised to believe this was acceptable. now, i believe neither. if someone's opinion of me changes because of weight gain, i don't want to know that crazy person.

i was raised to believe that all men would have no interest in me if i weighed more. so far, not the case. it's still a little difficult for me to believe, but the proof is in the.....well, the bedroom

this is still a work in progress, but it's good. i do wonder, though, if this bothers any of my readers -- talking about my quick weight gain? i don't want to scare anyone. my body has always really, really loved weight. and i don't exercise at all, (that's something i need to look at for my health and bones.)

it's my experience that when most people start eating more naturally, they don't gain anywhere near what i have. each body is different.

this journey has it's moments, but i find it pretty liberating and not particularly scarey. i'd love your feedback and reactions


  1. I think the reason that you gained more is because your weight was *so* extremely low before. I only gained about 5 pounds recently (10 pounds from my lowest weight- ~105 pounds), but that's because I'm only 5'2".

    Also, 135 at 5'6" is nothing!!I'm sure you look fabulous.

    I think it's perfectly okay to talk about your weight on YOUR blog. I discussed my weight gain on and off for a year because it was *that* big of an issue for me. (Probably the hardest part of recovery. Sad, but true.)

    Have a great Monday!

  2. I think your weight is fine at 5'6". You are so right about not needing to associate with people who would judge you for your weight. I worried a lot about people seeing me after I had gained weight, and was no longer at an anorexic weight. I had to learn to feel comfortable at the new weight. It doesn't bother me at all that you talk about your weight. I learn so much from you!

    I also wanted to thank you for the comment on my poem. I always appreciate your kind comments:-)

  3. I gained what feels like a lot too - about 20 pounds. At this time last year, i was 94 pounds at 5'3", and my doctor set my healthy goal weight at 115 - which I reached at the end of January. It didn't happen all at once, but in spurts - I would work at gaining, stop, go back to working at know the drill. I'm not writing the numbers to trigger anyone, but to show that I can definitely relate to what you are saying. It has been hard at times to adjust to more than 20 pounds of weight gain, but I know I look and feel much better. But at times it does feel scary. I'm working on that...

  4. If perspective helps, I weigh around that too.
    It is a LOT more than I ever weighed, but in 2009, my body felt happy at about 10lbs more than that. So I am about that and I am your height.
    I have actually gained a fair amount of weight recently (since November) because I suffered badly last year with ill health (nothing to do with the eating disorder)
    And people keep saying I look amazing and so much better.
    So yes, healthy is good :))))

  5. Yasi: thank you. this really helps. i've definetely been looking for perspective. for so many years, skinny reigned. i appreciate your openness about your own experience.

    yes, i was WAY too thin for so long. i am a good, healthy weight now. but i'm open to seeing where i land. i assume my body knows way better than my mind what's best for my bod!

    Angela; i have to admit that after i quickly gained the last five pounds, i was shy around my guy friend. it's funny because i wasn't shy before. i pictured him thinking, "wow, this girl really packs on the pounds. yick." well, that was not the reaction!!!

    re; your poetry. it's so evocative and accessible. poetry is so difficult to do so well!

    Angela; THANK YOU. it really helps that you're talking numbers. i just have no idea sometimes what is normal (i know that's a weird word). so many congratulations to you for all the amazing work you've done. i've said it before, but i remember reading your posts last year and hoping and praying you would and could heal. it's the happiest that you are where you are. YOU GO GIRL!

    and yes, there are scarey moments. i remember when i was 135 and this height and my mom took me to diet doctors and weight watchers. but that's not my reality anymore. i remember that.

    Sia Jane; i'm so sorry you were so ill. it sounds like you are doing better and i so hope that is true!

    thank you, thank you for the perspective. it helps immeasurably. i'm thrilled that i'm getting just exactly the response i was looking for. THANK YOU

  6. My treatment team think that I weigh more than I let myself weigh - eg. my bmi naturally falls around 23 but I push it down much further by restricting. One day i think that when I learn to eat more intuitively I will probably gain more weight than I would like! However reading about your experience makes it less like 'the unknown' and therefore a lot less scary. Thank you

  7. First, I LOVE your blog! :-) I started reading it only recently after I saw your comment on another blog and I may read everything you wrote since 2008 (I read a couple of post from that time as well) because you really inspire me.

    Anyway, regarding the weight gain... I gained 40 lbs between January and November 2010. True, I was a bit underweight back then (I'm also your height (lol) and I used to be around 112lb). I knew that weight was too low for me because I didn't have my period then (for 5 years - sigh...) Before I lost my period I was maybe 117-120 lb, which is also not high (I realize now, though it seemed like FAT to me when I was oscillating between 110 and 114...). Before that, well I was "in recovery" from "real anorexia" - you can read more about that on my blog (the very first post), even though I mentioned it there only briefly. I mostly focused on my weight gain during last year, which was ONLY because I binged excessively and I was very depressed and stopped caring about everything. Definitely not good, but without it I'd probably still be underweight. Which I would prefer, but I know it's not OK and I even realized at that time that it was not OK, but I was scared that I'd hate myself if I gained too much - like if I'd be more than 117... Anyway, feel free to read that blog post of mine - it gives more detail...

    But... Your weight is fine and I don't mind at all when people talk about weight. I talk about it often as well, though I'm trying to limit it. I think I should talk more about it with my therapist. I'm still around 150 lb, even though I've been trying to "diet" since I went over 123 (that was actually the first time I noticed that I was gaining weight - it happened when I stepped on a scale that my triathlon team was using to weigh our bike cases before we went to Nationals - the number on the scale REALLY freaked me out - I felt so fat (and slow) suddenly that I did not want to go to Nationals, even though I was still the strongest girl on our team at that time...) And yeah, the "dieting" and binging turned into bulimia...

    Yeah, I'm really struggling with the weight thing but I think it was better than it was. At least I don't think that 120lb is fat at my height, especially with all the training (mostly cycling, running and swimming) that I do. I actually feel less fat than when I was at 135 and very freaked out up to the point that I was suicidal.

    OK, this is way too long. Thanks for your post - it really spoke to me today!

  8. Lucy; Hi there. i know all about keeping my BMI low. it's just so difficult and time-consuming, but i think that sometimes, that's what i was looking for. at times if i was panicking about something in my life, i'd even make myself think about my weight and food and calories as a distraction.

    yeah, weight gain isn't bad. and i do have more energy. it's nice to know the sky hasn't fallen or anything!!! :)

    Zuzka; Thank you for writing. i really appreciate your honesty here. it sounds like you've been through a lot.

    i read some of your posts, and it must be so difficult and exhausting to keep up your exercise pace AND binge and purge. when i was binging and purging, i wasn't exercising and i was beyond sick and tired.

    i'll keep reading and see how you're doing. here's to good health and kindness and gentleness!!

  9. Everyone has a different body and set point! If it makes you feel any better my weight it right around where yours is and i'm the same height =) I feel completely comfortable at this weight and most people, still see me as thin (that doesnt matter though). But I wouldnt worry about the number! You may have a lot of muscle? I know I do so I tend to weigh a bit more then I look. I hope that helps some--135 is totally a normal/slim weight! I'm sure you look awesome. It just takes somem time to adjust after being underweight for so long, ya know?


  10. Your weight is perfect for your height. I'm not quite 5'5" and weighed 137 today, and I'm sexy as hell. I bet you look fantastic!

    P.S. I believe I'm a lot older than you. I can also tell you that you can look forward to getting better looking every year. Life is good, sister, and just keeps getting better!

  11. beautifulkeys; the support helps! it's so great to see women in a comfortable place with a healthy weight!! i'm sure it will take a little time to adjust, but i know -- i do look fine.

    Linda; you truly are my inspiration. if i weigh what you do, i'm a goddess!!!!

    thanks for the words of encouragement. it's great to know!!!

  12. Hi!

    Just letting you know that I'm your height and I weigh about the exact same. I also gained weight to get here. For a long time, I felt so ashamed of this weight - so fat - that I didn't want to be seen. Now... things are different. I'm comfortable in this weight. This is the weight that results from the lifestyle I have! And I love my life! So thankgoodness I weigh this because a) it supports recovery b) it supports my lifestyle. I am thankful for this weight now! I am proud to be a grown woman who puts life first and the weight that results is the weight that results.

  13. I'm a new reader, and I love this post - your attitude is so right!!