Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Just the Way I Am

i want to remember that i am fine the way i am.

yes, i want to find a way to feel more free around food and weight. i would like food to truly settle into its proper role -- fueling and nourishing.

when i'm depressed and bored and frustrated, sad or upset, i want to turn to God, not to Werther's caramels. and i'm hoping i'll find some resources in OA and all my reading that will allow me to take the steps toward the freedom i seek.

yet, i also want to be okay with myself, just as i am right now. i am a fine, healthy weight. would the ED in me like me to weigh less? sadly, it's still a yes. so, part of my process is learning to accept me for me.

maybe i don't want a food plan? maybe, i don't mind eating the way i do now? i don't really over-eat. i truly like healthy food, in general. i do eat dinner very late, but i always have (my mom worked very late when i was little and dinner was often past 10 pm.) i never let myself get famished. i don't binge or purge.

but i do still use food for comfort. i definetely lean on diet soda to get me thru the day. and all the gum and candy. i'm getting tired of it, yet i can't seem to slow down or stop. hmmm, guess i do need some help here.

good to know.


  1. I really hope that the OA meeting will be helpful to you!! I went to one once and totally didn't fit in... I went because I thought the 12-step part of it and the focus on eating would be good for me. Instead, it scared me away from food, to say the least. But what I learned was that, like all groups, you have to find one where you belong. So, I'm really hoping that this meeting will be a good thing for you -- but if it isn't hopefully there are more out there because being part of a group during recovery is really helpful and the 12-step aspect is also really good. Surprisingly, I thought it did apply to food pretty well. There is also an Eating Disorders Anonymous -- and they have 12-step meetings too, but it seems to be harder to find them (at least in my area) but it might be of interest to you too (and if you're lucky there's one nearby if you are interested).

    Also, drinking coke during the day was pretty hard for me to overcome. Luckily, since I get cold fairly easy (esp in air-con), I was able to switch to tea... maybe there is a replacement that would work for you too??

    I think it sounds like you are really making some healthy choices though... kudos to you :)

  2. Still sounds like progress in the right direction though! Don't be too hard on yourself x

  3. kris; thank you. i went to one OA meeting years ago and didn't feel i fit in at all. but i'm pretty different now -- back then i was still so wedded to my eating disorder. also, two people i really trust and admire recommended the meeting i'm going to on saturday.

    i so wish i liked tea. i am sad to say that i find it really distasteful. and water is of no interest either; however, i know it's important.

    i feel committed to this.

    Just me: Thanks. you're right. i do need to be less hard on myself. instead of fussing, i need to get into action and take good care of myself. i do, indeed, feel that i'm moving in the right direction. i'm actually a little excited, which is really new.