Russian peasant stock. That's what i come from. All of my ancestors were strong and hearty and healthy. NOT thin.
i've written about this before, but it's coming up again. i'm not naturally thin. my body loves to gain weight and does so quite quickly and easily.
as i've been letting myself be about food, i've definetely put on weight. as i've forgone the daily weigh-in, my pants have tightened indeed. however, this is what's supposed to happen, i'm sure, for MY body.
i weighed myself at a friends' a few nights ago, and i'm now up 15 pounds since last year at this time. that's 35 pounds heavier than my lowest weight. am i healthier, you betcha. am i happier, YES. and i'm no longer living on red wine and salad.
i look like an adult woman, which makes a lot of sense, since that's what i am.
still, it can be difficult. i'd assumed that if i learned to eat intuitively, i would somehow end up nicely thin (not skinny). for many people, that happens. but i have to accept, as i've said, that i'm not naturally thin. i don't know what my natural weight is yet, but i want to be ready to accept it, no matter where it falls.
until then, i'm hanging in there, literally loosening my belt and staying away from the scale as much as possible. i also (and this is corny) look in the mirror and tell myself i look just fine. this actually works. i do look fine.
my guy friend pays me lovely compliments (love that!)and seems to find me pretty attractive.
i'm eating well. not binging, purging or starving. and i'm living life.
pretty good, if you think about it.
All of that sounds so scary, and yet you are coming to a place of acceptance, and that is wonderful. You are listening to your body, and giving yourself positive affirmations. You have come so far! Way to go:)
ReplyDeleteAngela; you know what -- it's really not that scarey. it's kind of, well, me. this IS my body. acceptance is kind of cool. it takes off so much pain and worry and obsession. i can be vaguely annoyed sometimes, but i'm not obsessed at all. i can move on. that's a nice feeling
ReplyDeleteI LOVE how you began this post. I'm mostly Persian, and Persian women have wide hips, and more voluptuous butts and thighs.
ReplyDeleteIt has taken me over a decade to accept this fact.
But isn't it freeing when you do? You almost feel more 'connected' with those who came before you and had a similar body.
I'm so happy to see that you are truly accepting and going with the flow of weight gain. For me, even gaining 5 measley pounds took over a year to accept.
Great job. =)
I wrote this in my blog a while ago, and I'll repeat it here: When your laughing your ass off with people you love, no one cares how big it is. Not even you.
ReplyDeleteHave fun, live with joy, and laugh your ass off, my friend!
The fact that you are happier and healthier is what is most important. Your weight will find its natural place and you will be fine. You are a wonderful and beautiful woman just the way you are!!!
ReplyDeleteAngela
P.S. I am almost 25 pounds heavier than I was last year when I was what I call "scary-skinny" and I am glad. I am naturally smaller, but now I look like a woman with some curves and I am proud of them. But it does feel strange at times, especially when I compare to this time last year - but then I was heading to PHP this time last year, so that should say something.
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! Really glad that you've come to accept having a "real" body and recognize how much more attractive, happier, and healthier that is. Every time I gave myself enough time to adjust to a higher weight, I ended up liking my body way more than I had at a lower one. You definitely deserve to enjoy each day without beating yourself up over numbers and food, and it's really inspiring to hear that you've made progress with that.
ReplyDeleteI saw on your last post that you're worried about your job situation, just wanted to send some support your way, decisions like that can be tough. I'm sure it will work out and you'll make a good choice, try to make sure to find ways to relax and take care of yourself while you're in the process of working it out. <3
thank you everyone for all your support as i get used to this new bod of mine. i've got some serious voluptuousity (i just made that up) going on.
ReplyDeletei can still get nervous when i notice that i'm eating more and when the next pair of pants doesn't fit BUT who really cares?
to paraphrase Linda Lou, when you're laughing your ass off, who notices its size?
freedom.
I'm so happy that you've found acceptance and that you are happy with your size. That's something I constantly struggle with. I am naturally thin, but not in a good way -- there are zero curves and, although I'm not terribly unhappy with my size, I wish I could at least be this size and have somewhat of a curvy shape. I think my problem when I gained weight was expecting to get curves and, instead, just getting bigger but retaining the lack of curvy-ness. Sooo, you are very lucky :)
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm just catching up on posts and read your previous one about your job -- do you have internet connection?? When I used to get bored in the lab while waiting for an experiment to progress to the point where I could collect data I used to look for lectures online -- more specifically lectures from ivy-league schools in random topics. That way if anyone sees you not working: A.) You have a good reason and B.) You're learning -- and most people see that as good. There were some really interesting lectures from law school people-- the one I remember best was about answering police officers' questions (it basically said to NEVER do that and explained why). If you don't have internet, maybe they wouldn't mind you reading or something like that??
Take care & have a good weekend!!
Im currently going through a similar phase in my recovery, as my old clothes are getting tighter and it can make me feel a bit anxious. But I am learning to accept my new body and that it is healthier for me, and that having some curves makes me attractive.
ReplyDeleteStaying off the scales is definitely a good move! I hope you continue on your healthy path!
Weight gain is HARD and yet, as you acknowledge so amazingly liberating, especially when it means being a woman and a proud one at that xxxx
ReplyDeleteKris; i've never thought that i was lucky to be curvy -- i always wanted a boyish figure, BUT i am okay with it now. it's the body i've got and it's the one i need to feed and respect
ReplyDeletere; work. i do read, sometimes industry stuff. the lectures are a really good idea. thanks!
Louise: Thank you for writing and thank you for letting me know that you're dealing with something similar. it's nice to know i'm not alone. May we both continue on our healthy paths!
Sia Jane; well said. it IS amazingly liberating to just not really care. i just bought a pair of jeans ($14.99 at Marshall's!) that are the next size up. but they're comfortable, and that goes a long way. and yes, i am a woman. i think some of being a womanly weight is accepting that i am a grown-up and all that entails. scarey, but good stuff. thank you
That is just freaking awesome! :)
ReplyDeleteI think its fantastic! I love your attitude.
ReplyDeletebananas: thank you. it amazes me. i don't even know exactly what's going on. i guess some of the AA work i've been doing has changed me as a whole. but i also think that for the first time i'm paying attention and listening. the thing is -- i do look fine, if voluptuous. AND my guy friend seems perfectly content. life is good. before, i would have found some way to make something into a problem. but for right now, today, Sunday, i don't have a problem. wow
ReplyDeleteHarriet; thank you so much. for all my years of extreme anger and misery and depression, it's pretty cool to have someone think i have a good attitude.
i would never, ever have imagined that i could get to this place. i'll think about my weight for a moment and then let it pass. it's, strangely, just not very imporant. hmmm. let's see if this lasts.