i really want a drink, but if i can't go ONE day without drinking, i really need to be inpatient, and i don't want to go inpatient.
i hate this. i want a glass of wine, but i took a strong dose of antabuse and will get sick if i drink.
why am i doing this, this sober thing? because i am an addict and can not drink moderately. because i want to see who i am without alcohol. because i need to bring my life back into control and make honorable choices.
it wasn't so hard in the past. today is really hard. i'm going to keep writing, because i don't know what else to do.
now i'm going for a bike ride, because i need to get out of the house. more later.
thanks for listening.
I hope your bike ride helped to clear your mind and take the edge off of the urges. You CAN do this, it's totally within your power, don't doubt it for a second! What else can you do at home tonight to keep yourself occupied? Call a friend, go out for coffee, do a project of some sort?
ReplyDeleteHang in there and keep us updated, sending support your way.
I am so proud of you!!! Just thinking about taking this step is a GIANT STEP! You know you are making improvements!!! You are doing the sober thing because you WANT and have the hope to get better. That's the most important part, wanting and having hope. hang onto those you can do thiss
ReplyDelete:) <3 take care of yourself.
Cammy: thank you so much. i was beside myself before i left the house, but the bike ride REALLY helped. tonight, i'm going to take a bath with a really good book and eat a healthy dinner. not drinking puts a big, scarey emphasis on food, so i have to work with that. it's always something, right?!
ReplyDeleteInside the Mind of...I'm so glad i posted this blog when i needed support. this is a big step, and it scares me that it's harder this time than before. i'm not sure why. i guess my life is a little less grounded right now. AND i don't want alcohol to own my life. thanks for being here
You can do this. I believe in you!
ReplyDeleteAngela
Glad to see that the bike ride helped :) It's always hard to get into a new routine without the behavior (drinking, restricting, binging, whatever). It sounds like you're taking care of yourself and trying to get out of your head... Keep at it :)
ReplyDeleteGetting beyond the head awareness is a big step. I mean, even though you know what you have to do, the actual getting down and doing it is a whole big step. Once you get up to the top of that hill I think you will be very unlikely to slip back down. You are getting to the core of it, that place where the hunger starts.
ReplyDeleteFilling in the hungry space is so important. Bike ride, blog, read, walk or whatever. It is so physical as well as psychological. It is really good to hear you being so determined.
It sounds so hard, but I think you are doing great. I've never tried to quit drinking, but I did quit smoking. Probably not the same though. Keep up the great work. How about a support group - would that help?
ReplyDeleteI really hope you were able to make it. Sorry didn't see this till just now. Since I missed it try and go today without drinking so I can be a part.
ReplyDeleteStay strong!
So glad you're chosing to go get sober (: you rock! As the saying goes, "I can't promise it'll be easy, but I can promise it'll be worth it." Good luck and be strong!
ReplyDeleteoh angela; thank you. I BELIEVE IN YOU TOO!
ReplyDeletekim; yes, it is hard to get into new behaviors -- eating regularly, going for walks, getting on the bike, reaching out when i need it. thanks.
linda; never before have i used physical activity to cope, so this is really good and new. it's great to get out of my head. right now, i will do anything just to get out of MY HOUSE. i see growth. and more on the way, please!!!!! thank you, as always for your wisdom.
Harriet; quitting smoking is crazy hard. they say it's one of the hardest of all. a support group is a good idea. i'm planning to go to an AA meeting this week. my therapist would like me to go every day. i wish i liked them more. but i need to go. i tend to isolate and think i can handle everything on my own. and then i drink.
eating alone; this was so, so sweet. what a lovely comment. thank you. i did make it, and it looks like i'll make it tonight too, whether i like it or not. it is nice to wake up knowing that i was sober the night before.
Shae Adele: yes, it isn't easy and yes, it will absolutely be worth it. my niece is 15, and i want her to see a sober aunt who eats well. i keep her strongly in my mind. and i'll be seeing her in two weeks.
now, how are YOU?