Wednesday, August 11, 2010


Blurgh, blugh, argh, eek, grrr

that's how i'm feeling these days. stumped, stymied, stupid, scared.

i'm unemployed, need to find a place to live and am, basically, starting all over at 46.

boy did i lose myself along the way. i've acted unconscionably and wonder what happened to my moral compass.

the only place to begin is here. i'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting and SOUL SEARCHING.

i want to be a better person, someone who doesn't steal other people's vicoden, for example. UGH!!! did i do that? yes.

i've alienated some people along the way. i find myself unusually alone. why do i push people away?

a lot of concrete and spiritual work ahead.



  1. i push people away then grab back on and say love me , validate me. why the hell do i do that? NO IDEA?

    i want to be a better person who doesn't black out on meds at night to sleep but I just feel almost like I can't.

    you're not alone, i won't say i know what you're going through because I don't but just know

    you can make it through

  2. Well I don't feel like I'm starting over I feel like I'm finnally getting started. Waking up after a nightmare of abusing my body and mind, isolating myself and shoving anyone I knew away from me.

    It is hard and it is tough. But it is way better than the alternative. Good luck!

  3. Inside the Mind of A: push, push, push. if everyone leaves, doesn't that finally prove i'm unloveable? what am i testing?

    i used to blackout on meds and alcohol, just to be "out". i couldn't take the world. but now, i'm just taking what the doctor orders, so it's a little trazedone and some sleep. i'm so freaked out about everything else i'm doing -- i don't want to be taking illicit drugs. yours are probably prescribed. as a recovering EVERYTHING, no good doctor will give me anything with, i guess, street cred.

    thanks for saying i'm not alone. it's good to remember. it can feel very lonely

    eating alone: wow, you sound so together! i like the way you say you're just getting started. it has been a nightmare. let's both take care. thank you

  4. Maybe you haven't lost yourself. Maybe you are finally finding yourself.

  5. linda; i LOVE the way you put that. i hope it's true. well, actually, only i can make sure it's true. thank you.

  6. I know what you mean when you say that you want to be a better person. I've done many things that I'm ashamed of. I'm tired of hiding from myself and everyone else. I like how Linds says that you are finding yourself. That is such a positive way to look at it. Stay strong and keep fighting! I think that wee have a lot in common, so I'm glad that I found your blog:)

  7. angela; thank you for writing. i just started reading your blog and you're right, we do seem to have a lot in common.

    oh, do i want to be a better person. i've done so many things i'm ashamed of. i'm looking forward to starting IOP. i didn't have much guidance growing up, and i often say i raised myself, and i didn't do a particularly good job! but all i do have is the present. and i am going to make the best of it.