Blurgh, blugh, argh, eek, grrr
that's how i'm feeling these days. stumped, stymied, stupid, scared.
i'm unemployed, need to find a place to live and am, basically, starting all over at 46.
boy did i lose myself along the way. i've acted unconscionably and wonder what happened to my moral compass.
the only place to begin is here. i'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting and SOUL SEARCHING.
i want to be a better person, someone who doesn't steal other people's vicoden, for example. UGH!!! did i do that? yes.
i've alienated some people along the way. i find myself unusually alone. why do i push people away?
a lot of concrete and spiritual work ahead.
BLURGH, BLUGH, ICK, EEK, AARGH, OUCH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
i push people away then grab back on and say love me , validate me. why the hell do i do that? NO IDEA?
ReplyDeletei want to be a better person who doesn't black out on meds at night to sleep but I just feel almost like I can't.
you're not alone, i won't say i know what you're going through because I don't but just know
you can make it through
Well I don't feel like I'm starting over I feel like I'm finnally getting started. Waking up after a nightmare of abusing my body and mind, isolating myself and shoving anyone I knew away from me.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard and it is tough. But it is way better than the alternative. Good luck!
Inside the Mind of A: push, push, push. if everyone leaves, doesn't that finally prove i'm unloveable? what am i testing?
ReplyDeletei used to blackout on meds and alcohol, just to be "out". i couldn't take the world. but now, i'm just taking what the doctor orders, so it's a little trazedone and some sleep. i'm so freaked out about everything else i'm doing -- i don't want to be taking illicit drugs. yours are probably prescribed. as a recovering EVERYTHING, no good doctor will give me anything with, i guess, street cred.
thanks for saying i'm not alone. it's good to remember. it can feel very lonely
eating alone: wow, you sound so together! i like the way you say you're just getting started. it has been a nightmare. let's both take care. thank you
Maybe you haven't lost yourself. Maybe you are finally finding yourself.
ReplyDeletelinda; i LOVE the way you put that. i hope it's true. well, actually, only i can make sure it's true. thank you.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean when you say that you want to be a better person. I've done many things that I'm ashamed of. I'm tired of hiding from myself and everyone else. I like how Linds says that you are finding yourself. That is such a positive way to look at it. Stay strong and keep fighting! I think that wee have a lot in common, so I'm glad that I found your blog:)
ReplyDeleteangela; thank you for writing. i just started reading your blog and you're right, we do seem to have a lot in common.
ReplyDeleteoh, do i want to be a better person. i've done so many things i'm ashamed of. i'm looking forward to starting IOP. i didn't have much guidance growing up, and i often say i raised myself, and i didn't do a particularly good job! but all i do have is the present. and i am going to make the best of it.