Sunday, August 8, 2010

for now

i've come up with a little plan. not having a plan was causing high anxiety and even some depression (i haven't been depressed in a long time, so that was very unsettling.)

i need time to get better. not too long ago, i was taken ill-gotten prescription drugs and i'm still drinking. while i was restricting with a mission for months, now mouth hunger steps up with a vengeance (and it does feel like vengeance.)

i'm looking into intensive outpatient programs for drugs/alcohol. i'm not taking pills now, but i do know i need to stop drinking. i'm okay with no pills, but i've definetely been using wine to numb the stress. it's not going to be easy, so treatment feels right. i exhibit so many addictive behaviors across the board -- spending, drinking, drugs, food and even relationships. like i said, treatment feels right.

it's suddenly apparent how ambivalent i've been about recovery. what if i don't have my addictions -- sitting with sadness? living on a budget? being sober in stressful, boring and well, all situations?

but life is getting on. i am NOT in my 20s or even my 30s. i'm unemployed and don't have real savings. so very much has changed in the last few month. i'm kind of overwhelmed, confused and sometimes lost.

instead of leaping back into stress, i'm thinking about looking for a part-time job and/or something really close to home and/or something very gentle if it's full-time. i need the time and space to do treatment and i need some money. i don't need to freak myself out.

in the mean time, when i'm eating out of mouth hunger, i make sure it's healthy stuff. if i'm feeling freaky, i head out for a walk or jump on the bike or just get myself out of the house. and i'm blogging.

so it's a little plan, but i remember it when i get too scared. this is just for now, and everything is okay right now.


  1. Plans always help me feel better. I think an outpatient program would be AWESOME for you! Keep us posted!

  2. A schedule has always made me feel more grounded. I think IOP ( intensive outpatient ) sounds good for you. That's what I'm doing. Stay strong! :) You can do this!!

  3. sounds like a good plan...slowing down...taking care of yourself...getting some additional support. Hopefully you can find a good program. Do you have a good therapist?

  4. Plans are good, especially little plans. Because big ones can be overwhelming, and failing at a too big plan can be detrimental to your self-esteem, which has probably taken a beating lately anyway. I recently started a very simple eating plan, and I'm feeling good about my eating habits right now. I was on an eating plan before, but it was too complex. This one is better. Simple is good.

  5. kim; i have an appt for an intake on Aug 25. they're that busy -- nothing sooner. guess i'm not alone. i have so much to work on. so much. it's overwhelming. one step at a time...

    Inside the Mind of...thank you for writing! i was feeling so ungrounded and so unfocused. still am, but i am working. thank you for letting me know you're in IOP. i have been feeling so lonely and isolated. it helps to no i'm really not alone.

    lisa; i do have a good therapist, but i wasn't letting her in at all.i just kept living the life i was used to. the IOP program near here has a good reputation and it's close to home, so that really helps. aargh. a little overwhelmed today!

    harriet: right now, i don't have any self-esteem. i've done some pretty crappy stuff, and i've hurt a lot of people lately. i am meeting with my therapist tomorrow and planning to really plan. iop, job hunt, stop drinking, etc, etc, etc. and let me tell you, there are a lot of etceteras! so glad to have your support

  6. I'm so glad you're okay! You hadn't posted in so long, and I lost your e-mail address when I changed Internet providers (my e-mail is and was very very worried!
    I think having plans in place are good. Just make sure you look into the IOP and that it is a good one with a history of success; I just finished six weeks of PHP for my anorexia in May/June and didn't feel like I really got the help I needed. I'm glad to hear you have a good therapist.
    Be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time (I know, that's a cliche - but sometimes these sayings make sense.) And forgive yourself, you're only human.
    Please let me know how you are doing; I have thought about you so much over the past few months.

  7. angela; you made my day!i have been feeling so badly about myself. so, so badly. it's amazing that someone cares.

    i'm also considering inpatient, almost to get a break -- i can't decide what's next for me, and i have to find a place to live and work and... but i make such bad choices over and over. we'll see what happens and where i go. we'll see. thank you again for your support!

  8. You know, for somebody so messed up, you sure have yourself together! :) You're going to make it. You'll plow through this just like you've no doubt plowed through everything else you've been faced with. No, I don't know you, but that's just my sense. Good luck and hugs to you! XOXO

  9. VLL: your words completely cheered me up. i think i'd just gotten home from therapy when i first read this. thank you. i'm glad i sound more together than i feel. this is a very tough time on a lot of different fronts. i do need to dig in and take charge of my life. thanks so much, Linda

  10. You should have self esteem. If you can't see the past and justify it, then base it on the future, or what your doing today, working toward recovery. You deserve to love yourself.

  11. eating alone: THANK YOU. i have to get perspective on the past and recent past. i am doing better today -- i have a couple of interviews, i'm being an upstanding citizen -- honest and, well, upstanding, and i want to be a person i can perhaps even like and respect a little.

    we all deserve to love ourselves. you too!