Thursday, August 5, 2010

it started with my body

Before there were drugs, before there was alcohol, and spending a fortune, before there were men..........there was my body, my eating, my weight.

i sit here, starting over. i don't have a job, i'm not speaking to my brother, i'm living with my boyfriend after having moved out.

i have no idea what i'm going to do next. and i'm gaining weight. i'm eating mildly compulsively after months of eating light.

everything in my life is in upheaval. this is serious. oh, and i'm gaining weight. what does that have to do with anything?

my eating disorder took my early years. i didn't care about ANYTHING but my weight. i didn't particularly develop skills or interests. ALL i did, and i mean all i did, was diet.

no self-esteem, no work ethic, no computer skills, no mature practicality.

i'm starting from a very early stage now. it is time to grow up. i'm going back to basics. where it all started.

i will eat. and i will learn to deal with computers. and i will get a job. and i will do something good with my life.

did i say that?


  1. This post kind of took me on a roller coaster - but one that ended well. I am with you 100% on the eating, learning about computers, and getting a job. You are going to do this.

  2. Life has definitely been quite an upheaval for you lately. I am glad to hear that you are getting back in the saddle though. It's not easy when life look so bleak. Hang in there though. You'll get through this one step at a time.

  3. I didn't really have disordered eating until I became an adult luckily. I had other childhood issues, but I was always very thin without trying.

    It's never too late to learn things. Some things are easier than others - computers = easy, self-esteem = not so much.

    But you'll get there.

  4. lisa; thanks for the vote of confidence. it's funny not having a job (even one that really stresses u out) - it plays on the self-confidence. suddenly, i feel unruttered and unsure of myself. a lot to work on. and i want to do things better this time!

    Tiptoe; yes, indeed, lots of upheaval. i think i've been a little numb about the whole thing. am i really here in this space? well, it was coming for a while. i need to NOT make the very same mistakes i've made over and over and over. i really do wonder about ambivalence and my recovery process. a lot to work on. thank you for your support!

    Harriet; thanks. it feels late, but i also don't know that i have much of a choice. and that's okay, actually. self-esteem is a toughy, especially as i don't always act in such an upstanding fashion. like i keep saying, a lot to work on. and time to get too it. i'm not a huge fan of work. time to grow-up, in a good way...

  5. In my life I have also traded one compulsive behavior for another in a seemingly endless cycle and am still trying to retrain myself to be "normal" and responsible. I'm glad you are getting back to basics and hopefully not trying to overwhelm yourself with tackling too many things at once. Growing up is a lifelong journey, and every step in that journey is valuable.

  6. lisa; it helps to hear that someone else cycles too. i feel like such a loser right now - still right here in the thick of things. although, there is progress. i'm the tiniest bit less...well, crazy. thank you, thank you

  7. I spent the best years of my life thinking of nothing but weight. I'm trying to be over it, normal weight and done. I know I've probably said this before, but I suggest trying yoga. It's a different kind of exercise, more related to agility, flexibility, peace of mind more than weight, but it's good stuff, with the right teacher. Kind of a reset button for the perspective, outlook. I need to grow up, too, I'm sort of doing it

  8. Let's just say WOW. My therapist says that transitions are time that you have to watch out for things. I know that putting on that weight can be scary and you seem to be dealing fine. Just don't let it get to you. It doesn't mean that you are failing it means you are living.

    I'm sorry about what what down with the brother. He will come around. I went through a bad period with my sister once. In the end family will out.

    Good luck.

  9. jjb: now that i'm out of work, i do have time to look at yoga. i definetely need to fill my days in healthy ways. i am not an exerciser at all but have been walking with weights and riding my bike (finally learned how to ride a bike last year!) a yoga class would be good - i'm spending too much time alone. yes, this growing up thing is complicated and difficult. but the old way hasn't been working. thanks.

    Eating Alone; this transition has been something. there are a lot of nuances and everything happened really quickly. in the long run, i think it will be good. there sure are lots of "opportunities" here.

    i don't know about my brother. i was also at fault in all of this. blugh. time is a good thing. thank you for your support. it helps

    August 7, 2010 6:22 AM