Wednesday, August 18, 2010

slogging thru

candy is the new Chardonnay. i can not stop eating, sucking, chewing.... it's no fun for eating disordered me to be consumed by food, as alcohol is not an option. Say it loud and proud -- "alcohol does not own me".

there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.

i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.

am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.

i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.

for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.



  1. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU FOR MAKING IT THIS FAR!!!!! it's such an amazing feat! seriously! be proud of yourself! You've come far and done so well in these lat few days .

    Stay strong, keep the good streak going, u can stay sober.
    take care! xoxo

  2. It will get harder but it will get better too. Stick with the plan and I'm proud of you for turning a job that would have hurt your recovery!

  3. You're doing great. And candy is ok. I love candy - I like sour chewy types of candy. Airhead Extremes are really good, but sometimes hard to find. No fat!

    As for whether you are doing it for you or for your therapist, I have asked myself that question in regards to things I have done and we have talked about it. I guess in the long run it doesn't matter because you are doing something good for yourself. Why and how you got there is irrelevant right now. Maybe at some point in time you will have to do things for yourself, but why worry about that now?

  4. Candy's good - but have you tried trail mix? Somehow the combination of chewy-cruchy-sweet-salty is a magical stress-eraser.

  5. Candy sucks, but better than drinking if you're an alkie, I suppose. Good luck with the job, if you don't really need the money, then go with the more flexible ones, but that's a decision you need to make. Please at least humor me by considering yoga. It's sort-of exercise, but not how you think. It makes everything about me feel better, even psychologically. Still desn't mean I enjoy it, but I try to go once a week.

  6. Inside the Mind of an: it does feel like an amazing feat. this is the hardest it's been. but i took my antabuse this morning, and i'm committed to this day sober.

    Eating Alone: it's scarey turning down work, but it was the right choice. i have SO much to work on and do need support to the max. it is hard now, but it should get a little easier. i'm doing whatever i can -- walks, getting out of the house, candy (aargh), but it's good. thank you.

    Harriet; i think that too, for right now, it doesn't matter why i am sober and drug-free, because i am both and that's good. thanks for support on that. i worry that i am such a weak wimp, because i'm not feeling so strong. but i am sober and moving my body and doing what i can.

    Lisa; it still scares me when food is used to calm stress. i can't remember the last time i ate because i was hungry lately, and that is frightening after all these years. all in time, i suppose. i'm making so many adjustments in life now. trail mix sounds good. thanks, lisa

    justjuliebeen. candy does suck when it's eaten in a compulsive fashion, as a certain sober gal is currently consuming it. on the job scene, i've got my fingers crossed that something else i interviewed for comes thru. those hours would work. so, we'll see!!

    re; yoga. it's a great idea. for some reason, though, i've been a bit of a lone wolf hermit lately. being around people would probably be good for me. i'm even going to an AA meeting tonight and i'm not so fond of them. but i need to be around other people, because i go off in my own little world, where reality barely exists. thanks, julie for the suggestion.

  7. i think what youre doing is brave!good luck on your journey of sobriety! you should be proud of being able to take your problem by the horns!
    even the thought of antabuse makes me nervous. im on revia, and it has helped some, but there is still the mental part of me that wishes i could want to drink. strange how our minds work, isnt it?
    candy may not be the best option, but its better than binge drinking and blackouts, i suppose.

  8. I'm glad that the title of this post is "slogging thru" instead of just slogging, because it brings up a critical point to keep in mind: the only way out is through, for so many things in life, including this. It is challenging and takes perseverance, but it's obvious that you are an amazingly strong woman that is definitely capable of hanging on, moving forward one baby step at a time, and seeing this thing out. Hang in there and have a good weekend! <3

  9. nobody girl; thanks for writing. it is so strange how our minds work!!! i am having such a hard time this go 'round. no pink cloud here. but i'm not drinking, and that's something. i do really miss it. but it's better than attaching to a bottle of wine and crawling into bed. thanks again

    Cammy: the only way out is through is something i need to tell myself over and over. and over. i like to anesthetize and pretend things don't exist. thanks for telling me i'm strong -- i can't tell if i don't think i am and/or i don't want to be. grrrr. have a good weekend too!

  10. You have amazing strength, and I'm so impressed. It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing! Keep up the hard work. My thoughts are with you, and have a great weekend!

  11. Angela; there's that "strength" word again, and still, i feel so weak. this does take courage.

    You have a great weekend too!