PANCAKES

Pancakes were a big binge food of mine. i haven't eaten them in at least five years, if not more. they were always just so scarey for me.

in the last couple of weeks, i've been making them for dinner on a regular basis. i love them. i eat a normal amount, i savor them and then i'm completed satisfied.

i never really thought i'd eat pancakes again, but here i am. woo hoo. happy days are here again!

food really feels different these day. yesterday, i was snowbound and struggling with mean cramps. i slept, took a bath and watched movies. and i ate cookies and leftovers and the beloved pancakes. it was all kind of hodge podge and not exactly balanced, but i was perfectly happy.

things really are different. i'm satisfied with meals and then forget about food until the next right time to eat. isn't that wild?

i'm clean and sober and getting comfortable with food. now, i really am free to plan my life. it's a little scarey; yet, how great is this?!!!

My Sister and I

There's been distance between my sister and me. I've always felt she has a hard time communicating about the deep stuff. We get along on a nice, surfacey level, but i never thought she wanted to or could handle the dark side.

My sister is getting some cosmetic surgery today. I've been in more frequent touch, as today grew closer. I wanted her to know how much i support her in her choice and how brave i think she is for having the courage to get up on the operating table. she's so excited about the procedure -- i'm very happy for her.

During a conversation last night, my sister shared some personal issues that are troubling her. She's my very big sister and has always felt more like a mother to me, so this was new. I did my best to be supportive. At one point, I said "M. I love you so much". she paused. we don't say "I love you to each other". She said, "I love you too, Mel". We continued talking and as we ended the conversation she said, "I love you" again.

Wow. I felt closer to her than I've felt in my 46 years. My sister and I have had our issues, particularly through my crazy years. She didn't understand eating disorders, drugs and alcohol and all my other issues. She didn't understand why i couldn't just "get better", as she always has.

When i was in the deepest depths of my drug use, she shut me out and we didn't speak. This has stuck with me for years. The other day, i was bemoaning this, once again, to my sponsor who said, "Good for her". "She has children and her family to protect, and she did you a favor for not enabling you."

Oh. i NEVER saw it like that. My sponsor was right. I've felt much kinder and gentler toward my sister ever since.

I always put her on such a pedestal. She was so pretty, naturally thin, popular and such a hard worker. she married a smart, handsome doctor and raised the loveliest children. My sister hasn't worked in 20 years and never has to.

Now, I begin to see her humanity -- she's becoming a whole living, breathing woman to me.

My parents are gone, my brother and family don't speak to me. I am thrilled beyond words to be developing this new closeness with my sister.

My heart is all filled up.

told you so, Mrs. Obama

i'm just stealing liberally from an article i read online. I've raged before about the WAR on childhood obesity. Here we go:

A new study has shown that the massive push to keep kids from becoming obese has created a new problem. According to the report issued today, the kids of the US are starting to develop more eating disorders, something that has largely been blamed on the fact that so many people are pushing children away from the obesity issue. It seems that now the kids are so afraid of becoming obese that they are losing perspective.

The doctors who are treating these eating disorders have noted that scaring children into living healthy is probably not the best way to go. Often children will take extreme measures to avoid something that they consider to be scary or dangerous.

Schools all over the US are reporting that eating disorders are on the rise and many say that they are having a difficult time getting many students to even eat the healthy meals that have been specifically designed to keep them safe

Many thanks to all the researchers who did the work for me. One thing they forgot to mention -- if kids are eating to the extent that they become obese, what's going on? perhaps therapy would do as much as, if not more, than an apple to help them heal.

DUI checkpoint

On the way home from an evening out last night, I was stopped at a DUI checkpoint and then randomly selected for further inspection. I had pullover, speak to an officer and have my car checked.

off i headed to the inspection area, where the policeman sniffed my breath, asked me a bunch of questions and flashed his flashlight all over my car.

all was fine, of course, except the officer was stupified that anyone would choose to just drink lemonade on a Friday night!

it was late and i was glad to leave the area and head home to bed. it hits me now that all around me at the checkpoint, drivers were being delayed and made to step out of their cars. one guy looked fairly intoxicated.

that so easily could have been me. i often drove home (very carefully) after a few drinks, knowing that if i were stopped, i would have had too many. during all that time, i never encountered a DUI checkpoint. it wouldn't have been good.

reason number 2 million to never drink again!!!!!

i was pretty darn proud of myself.

HOPE

Although I’m really not hungry or in the mood, I’m eating a white chocolate coconut and walnut cookie at work. I’m eating it because my colleague baked them for me and so wanted me to try one.

From this occurrence we learn – there is hope.

There was a time, a long long time this one cookie would have caused panic and rage. Terror that I might find myself eating that cookie, Fury that someone else gets to eat a cookie AND manical rage that anyone would try to make me eat it.

For a very long, long time, I would NEVER, NEVER, NEVER have eaten the cookie, no matter how my co-worker (who is senior to me) cajoled.

I write this because for 30 years, I was 100% sure there was no hope for me. My eating disorder (and drugs and alcohol) were going to rule every moment of the rest of my life, just as they had destroyed the time before.

My life entailed starving all day, drinking tons of wine, binging for hours, purging to the wee hours and popping laxative and a few Ambien to try to squeeze in some sleep before work. I’d wake up sick and exhausted and start the process again. This was every single day. This was sheer misery. And I saw no relief. Never, ever.

Now, I get up, drink fresh juice, have little snacks, eat lunch, a small snack, dinner and some dessert. No binging, no starving, no purging, no drinking and no drugs - never, ever.

Do I still watch too carefully? Sometimes. Is it all natural and easy enough? Sometimes. Is there work to be done? Yes, but now, sometimes, I have real peace.

I never, never, ever would have thought this possible.

I’d like to “talk” more about hope. What brings you hope? What have you done that’s worked in recovery? What do you hope for? Where do you stand with hope, itself?

We need to hear the positive. We need to know we can get deep into recovery, and we can recover.

A Real Meal

i don't know if this post will trigger anyone. i talk a little bit about the food i ate.

Yesterday, I ate a real, grown-up dinner plus dessert and felt nothing but satisfied. Now that’s progress!

My boyfriend, D., came home from work early and we enjoyed a quick, normal lunch, then headed into NYC to see the tree and shops. Everything was so extraordinarily beautiful and awe-inspiring. I don’t think it’s ever looked so exquisite.

After walking around, we went out for dinner. D. doesn’t like eating out, so this was a nice treat. Recently, I dhaven't want to go out, because “who wants to eat out if you can’t have a drink.”, but i was cool last night. D. actually said he was looking forward to it (I don’t believe him for a minute – he did it for me) and I didn’t care about drinking. Wow.

Early in the day, I decided I was going to eat a real dinner of foods I usually don’t eat. Even if I wasn’t very hungry, I was going to get something truly tasty and eat as much of it as I wanted.

There was a lot of traffic, and we didn’t get to dinner until 10, but I still didn’t care, I was going to have a good dinner. I ordered EXACTLY what I wanted and enjoyed it thoroughly and heartily. We had great conversation over dinner and there was gentle, live music in the background. Nice.

Although I was full and satisfied, I still had a hankering for ice cream when I got home, and I made myself a small and tasty cone.

And that was that – no second thoughts, no remorse, no self-punishment. I could get used to this!

It IS funny that I’m making such a big deal about doing nothing but eating dinner, but it was a big deal. I look forward to it becoming mundane.

As i was re-reading this post, i realized it may sound like i don't usually eat healthful meals, and the fact of eating dinner was the coup. just to clarify, i do eat meals and maintain a healthy enough weight and i'm not obsessed with food and weight. i allow myself (small) treats and can eat out and go to events with relative ease. i say "relative" because i do have apprehensions sometimes, and some days are easier than others.

In general though, my meals are very simple and pretty lean. the portions fill me, but i never feel too full. it's rare that i'm eating a big slice of pizza or more than a bite of someone else's hamburger and fries. last night was a burger and fries AND salad kind of night. THAT'S what makes it so different and so exciting.

Bring on the nachos!

The Weight of the Flu

Many thanks to everyone who responded to my last blogs. I am finally back on my feet and back at the job. Still not 100% but happy to be off the couch! Now that I'm "me" again, I'll be a much better comment responder. In the mean time, THANKS AGAIN!

Yes, I am on the mend and Yes, I did lose a few pounds with the flu. Weight loss is so darn complicated for us, isn't it?

I'd like to think that I was like a normal person with the flu -- I slept most of the time, so I wasn't eating during that time. I felt pretty dizzy, so i didn't really want to eat...

Or did I? I didn't want to want to eat but deep in my messy mind, food is always comforting AND the cure for all ills. I have a sinking feeling that if I knew I weren't ging to gain weight, I would probably have eaten quite a lot while I had the flu. I know normal people wouldn't, but let's face, when it comes to food -- I'm not normal!

What I DID do is kind watched what i ate. I knew broth was good for me, so i drank it. we know broth is low cal, so of course I drank it! i drank tea (which i don't like) because my boyfriend (gently) made me. (thank boyfriend!) I ate sweet potatoes, because they're soft and tasty and good for you. And in the refridgerator.

Other than that, i ate salad, which is ridiculous because my stomach was quite off. I also had sliver of pizza, because the boyfriend was eating it and it looked good. Oh yes, i ate ice cream, which is also ridiculous considerating the phlegm issue (sorry). Why was i eating ice cream? Well, i eat ice cream every day -- why should a little bronchitis stop me?

Overall, i see, I didn't not eat like a normal, intuitive eater. To some extent, I restricted, but on my own behalf, I wasn't that hungry.

And I lost a couple of pounds. Yes, I like the weight loss. I'm still a healthy weight. My My boyfriend would say I look better with a few more pounds. Most people would say I look better with a few more pounds. Only people with distortion would not say I look better with a few more pounds.

Why don't I?

The flu bug bit. Then chomped

i know i've been complaining all over the blogosphere that i have the flu. it stinks. and until i finally bathed today, well nevermind, TMI

i'm torn about going to work tomorrow. i do feel better and don't seem to have a fever anymore, but i was sick for a number of days and could probably use one more day laying low. oh yeah, the hacking cough isn't pleasant either. still, it's a new job and i don't want to keep calling in sick. i really, really, really hope i feel better tomorrow. much better.

i haven't been out of the house since friday. it's pretty isolating. i haven't been to an AA meeting since last Wednesday and missed seeing my sponsor this weekend.

i WILL feel better and everything will be fine. it's just hard to remember when i'm feeling crummy and blue.

thanks for listening. i WILL feel better. can't wait

Turkey and Whine

Today at work everyone talked about recipes and grocery shopping. Tomorrow, everyone will feast on all the trimmings. Friday, they'll come in to work complaining about how much they ate.

They'll also bring in many of their leftovers, hoping to give away calories. What if everyone gives their leftovers away ? Do we just keep passing around leftovers?

I don't really get the whole food thing anymore. What's so exciting? it's not that i want to binge or starve -- i just can't get that worked up about cranberry sauce and giblet gravy.

do i sound grumpy? i'm not. i think. maybe i'm just lazy. all the running around in traffic and packed supermarkets. all that cooking. all that eating and eating and then complaining about aforementioned eating.

and yes, (i am very lazy) all that clean up. Thanksgiving can seem like one endless chore.

on a day off, i'd rather sleep and read and take a bath and catch up with friends and then maybe meet buddies for a nice meal, without clumpy gravy.

harrumph. wait until Christmas -- I am Susie Scrooge. don't get me started on leftover Christmas cookies.

On another note, HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

Have you "let yourself go"?

Has anyone else noticed that when someone says, "she's really let herself go"?", it usually means "she's gained weight?

on my way home from AA, i sometimes listen to a Talk Radio show about relationships. they seem to talk about a woman's weight an awful lot. for example, the topic might be - why does a man cheat? one of the reason's that always comes up - his wife has "let herself go", meaning she's put on some pounds since the wedding.

when i hear "letting herself go", i picture a frazzled woman in her pajamas with hair on end and in deep need of a shower. but, for someone reason, she's thin. but that's me.

why does weight gain equal not taking care of yourself or not making a good appearance? and why on earth could it be considered grounds for infidelity?

Changing therapists?

My therapist suggested i find a therapist closer to home. She's in NYC, and i'm way out in new jersey. my commute is two hours each way and with my new work schedule, it's nearly impossible for us to find time to meet.

This is a hard one. She's great and caring and very smart and kind. She was my counselor in IOP when I gave up drugs and she's worked tirelessly on me and with me to end my drinking.

Kay knows all my history and everything that pains me. Can i start all over with someone new? Like many people, i've had some less than stellar therapists along the way. My psyche is fragile, and it's hard for to me trust and work with a lot of people.

Yet, it's true -- our schedules don't work. As much as I wish it were different, it's not. I've never much lived in reality -- instead wanting what i want, regardless of what is realistic. Through therapy and AA, i'm learning we must make choices, even if we don't love what we're picking from.

i never had much of a family and intensely dislike this time of year, when everyone seems so delighted to be with theirs. of course, holiday meals are difficult and stressful -- not so much with food these days, but the alcohol...

Kay is like the family remember i never had. she's wise and consistent and caring and solid. when in doubt i wonder, what would kay do? i certainly would never ask myself, what would my mother or father or brother have done?

it's a tough time, as things from my past, particularly with my mother, are coming up for me through my AA work and therapy. not fun, but it needs to be done. i'm learning that we have to go thru things to get to the other side. my old habit was burying, burying, burying and then using food and drugs and alcohol to shove it down and ignore it. but it doesn't melt away without work.

i begin to believe i CAN do the work. i'm not giving up. but i can't say i look forward to it.

as i've been a little blue lately, this seems a great time for a gratitude list. here goes;

I'M clean and sober and don't binge, purge or starve. HALLELUJAH.

I'M hanging in with the job and learning to deal with the hurdles and not giving up

DANCING with the stars is on tomorrow, and i'm going to vote my heart out. It's our right and for that i am very grateful

when in doubt, be thankful. may we all have much to be grateful for!

Portia de Rossi's book

i just finished Portia de Rossi's, Unbearable Lightness. It stays with me.

The book is well-written (a big plus)and interesting. Her description of her life with her eating disorder is clear and very recognizable. In her telling, de Rossi never judges her actions, she just tells them and the reader gets the message through the description.

The story can be triggering, and in some hands, it might almost seem like a how-to. i also found it a painful story, and I'd put the book down feeling sad.

What helped me was watching what her life became once ED entered the picture. De Rossi was 100% devoted to weight loss, no matter the cost to anything else. At the height of her fame, she sat in her home, eating butter spray and running on the treadmill to burn off the calories of sugar free gum. Nothing, nothing else mattered. Her story pounded home the waste of years, the self absorption and the pain brought to self and others in the quest for.........what?

De Rossi gives a thorough description of her life with Anorexia and Bulimia. We watch them build and speed out of control as the 5'8 actress fairly quickly starves herself down to 82 lbs. just as quickly, she gains the weight back and more until she's 168.

oh, do i know about huge weight fluctuations and the excruciating physical and emotional pain they cause. i was right there with de Rossi every step of the way.

Then she lost me. in a few short pages,she has figured it all out (eat when your hungry, stop when you're full) and is easily maintaining the 130 her body always wanted to be anyway. ta da.

after hundreds of pages of detailed sickness, she's cured, in love and happy. oh.

as i said, it's an interesting read and, of course, a very important topic. i would highly recommend it for parents or anyone wanting to learn more about eating disorders.

has anyone else read it? i'd be interested in other views.

No Weigh In - Day Three

yes, it's the evening of day three, and i haven't gotten on the scale. i'm not sure what will happen tomorrow, as i am feeling antsy about it. still, it's one more day and then one more day and then one more day. but i'll probably give in at some point.

the last blog was a good one for me to write, and the responses really helped me. i realize how much i rely on a few numbers of a scale, and i start to see how meaningless they are. that's a lot for me to say. well, i can see they're meaningless, but i don't think i've taken it in.

i knew i gave those numbers super-powers in the past, but i'm finding i still do, way more than i thought.

something very important to think about and take way, way in.

thanks to everyone. you're all helping so much.

i didn't weigh myself this morning!

i didn't weigh myself this morning. that's a first in a very, very long time. this is progress!

i don't know why this morning was different than any other, but i love it.

every morning but this one, i wake and wonder what that metal goon is going to tell me when i jump on it. then i pee, twice if i think it will help, force myself to brush my teeth (i'm like a kid who can't wait to open presents) and off i go to the closet where i "hide" the scale. as we all know, the number sets the tone of the entire day.

not today. i decided not to get on and then went about my morning routine. the sky didn't fall, my pants fit, i had the same ride to work and my colleagues greeted me hello. everything is just like it is every other day of the year, even though i didn't weigh myself.

that's a lot of cool information. i wish i knew why i didn't care this morning. it wasn't even difficult. do i actually believe i'm more than the sum of my pounds? whoa. i really do have much bigger fish to fry and perhaps, i'll even eat fried food.

Surrender

I've written about this topic recently, still it's continually on my mind. With my substance addictions, surrender is simple. i admit that i'm powerless over drugs and alcohol and i cannot manage my life. i can not control my life. instead, i turn my life over and do what i am told by others who know better. go to lots meetings, get a sponsor, work the 12 steps with my sponsor, read the (AA) Big Book and good things will happen.

in my seven short weeks in sobriety and attending AA, things have gotten better -- amazingly better. i have seen real, serious change in myself and have moments of clarity and happiness i didn't know before.

i can't really tell you how this happened, but there's been more growth in the last seven weeks than in.... i really can't tell you -- a long, long time.

okay, then i think of my eating disorder and eating disorders in general. can we surrender? it seems so much more difficult. To me, eating disorders seem so much about control == control of our food, our bodies, in fact, our very lives.

besides, how can we surrender when we also must eat. i've gone to OA only a few times because it didn't make much sense to me -- how can we abstain -- from certain foods and certain behaviors. we have to live. and people, places and things -- do we stay away from anyone who eats? i probably need to find out more about OA before making judgments or any comments at all.

More, i have a major issue with people telling me what and how to eat. any stranger off the street can tell me to stop drinking forever, and i'm nodding along. but if a doctor suggests that it's best for me to eat breakfast, "TAKE THAT BACK OR I'M NOT COMING HERE ANYMORE. YOU DON'T KNOW MY BODY. I'M NOT HUNGRY IN THE MORNING. ARE YOU SUGGESTING I EAT WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY. ISN'T THE POINT OF THIS TO LEARN TO EAT WHEN I'M HUNGRY AND STOP WHEN I'M FULL? WHY ARE YOU SABOTAGING ME WITH THIS CRUEL AND DISGUSTING CALL FOR BREAKFAST? I KNOW BETTER THAN YOU, MRS. NUTRITIONIST, WHAT'S BEST FOR ME. MY BODY IS DIFFERENT THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. GO TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S METABOLISM ACTUALLY WORKS."

Okay, so i don't quite say this to people, but i do think it. after all these years of recovery. i confess i think i do know best. yikes! that's terrifying information.

by the way, my eating's okay. i do eat some kind of snack in the morning and lunch and dinner and treats. i maintain a healthy weight -- in the realm of those weight charts.

but my thinkingis still screwy. i started working on my ED at 17, years into my issues. nearly 30 years later, i still have the inner voice that tells me i know best. with drugs and alcohol, there's a much shorter period of issues, but i'm so clear that i can not drink and i absolutely do not know best.

why is this one so much harder? what can be done to help us allow others (and God, if we so believe) to help us? how do i/we let go of control?

A Happy Crappy Day

Today was a crappy day. Work was really slow and boring, and i had to make a lot of cold calls. I'm short on money. I gained a few pounds. i have a stomach ache.

But i'm happy. i'm smiling. my friend at work said i look like i'm glowing.

well, i'm rested. i had such a wonderful, perfect weekend. i have great support.

i think i'm changing. i just feel better. more than sobriety, i think it's all the AA work.

i go to a meeting every night. i'm learning about honesty and not judging and not being defensive. people share openly and everything's so real. women come up to me after the meeting to chat. it's such a great community.

and i've surrendered. i realize i've always wanted to control everything. no one could tell me what to eat or that i needed to eat or gain weight. in fact, no one could ask me what i ate without being met with a stone cold deadly silent stare. and that could include my therapist, a psychiatrist, a nutritionist. please, i knew best.

of course, i knew best about my drinking and appreciation of prescription drugs too. other people needed AA. i was fine. i was in control and no one was going to control my choices.

but you know what, i don't know best. i don't know anything. my decisions are suspect. now, i just listen to the "old" timers in AA and that's how i know what i need to do. and i do it. and it works. it's worked for millions of people. why am i so special? why do i know better than the serene guy with 32 years of sobriety or the lovely woman with 23?

it's very different with food, of course. i can't stop eating. i have to figure out how to moderate food. and that's the exact opposite of alcohol. we have to learn that WE can not be moderate drinkers -- it's impossible. still, although it may seem nearly impossible to learn to eat moderately, we can. but it is harder.

well, that's all i've got. i'm happier. i'm calmer. like everything else, it's all new. i'm working on staying in this moment and enjoying this moment.

Wow.

why i want to eat

it's 11 pm. i had a beautiful weekend. lovely. went out for a nice meal and ate a fair amount more than normal at around 8 pm, but that's okay. it's the weekend, i'll eat moderately tomorrow -- no big deal. after dinner, came home and watched some nice, cozy tv and now it's time for bed and i want to eat.

why on earth? i had a beautiful weekend with lots of sleep and.... ah, i don't want the weekend to end. i don't want to get up early and go to work and start the work week and have it be monday.

now i know. and i can snack or not, with some new knowledge. now i know.

Actually Wanting Sobriety

I take antabuse to keep me from drinking -- if you take antabuse and drink, you get very, very, very sick.

every time i've stopped drinking, i've depended on antabuse. certainly, i was sure, i could not not drink on my own.

yesterday, saturday, i ran out of antabuse. when i went to re-fill it, the drugstore told me i don't have health insurance and it would cost $153, versus the 15 i usually pay. my health insurance provider was closed, so i couldn't resolve it until monday.

dilemma -- do i pay the $153 and try to get reimbursed or could i wait until Monday, and stay sober on my own. (just some additional info-- my COBRA ends today and my new insurance starts monday. i'm worried that somehow i won't get reimbursed from my old insurance.)

i even called my therapist, who thought i should get it yesterday: it was a better investment than taking a chance with my sobriety. although i was pissed about paying the extra money which i really don't have, i agreed with my therapist and decided to get the antabuse yesterday.

then i met with my sponsor and went to a wonderful AA meeting which ran long and made me late to meet friends for dinner. i decided that i could wait until tomorrow, there was already so much antabuse in my system, and one day without it would be fine.

when i woke up this morning, i realized that i'd be fine without antabuse until tomorrow because I WANT THIS SOBRIETY. i am feeling so much better and committed to the process and to myself. i couldn't actually believe it. ME? committed to my sobriety and to myself? ME?!!! it blew me away.

the funny thing is, i found one last antabuse tablet this morning and took it, so i'm fine until tomorrow. i will re-fill and take the new prescription. it's great insurance. still, what a realization.

p.s. i am having the greatest weekend. got tons of sleep, got a massage, met with sponsor, went to wonderful meetings, have time to myself to read and write and take baths. tonight, i'm going to an early meeting and then out for (an inexpensive) dinner. ahhhh. i'm working on enjoying every minute, right here in the present.

this is all so new. i'll take it!

A Cool Exercise.

i was so hard on myself in therapist today-- i told my therapist that "at work, i feel useless, hopeless, stupid, lazy, uncoordinated, incapable. oh yeah, and funny looking."

my therapist said that i'm so compassionate with other people; she hopes i can find compassion for myself. she gave me an exercise -- every night write myself a paragraph to myself as though i were someone else.

i haven't written it yet, but i'm looking forward to it. it sounds so comforting. i keep thinking about how nice i'll be to myself.

what do you think your paragraph to yourself would say?

Without Distraction

Living life without distractions is different. I'm not drinking, drugging, starving, purging or acting out. Where's the drama, where's the excitement, the danger?

This is a hard lesson. I can't remember living without some distraction from life.

Now, I'm sitting with anxiety, boredom, worry, pain. I'm living it. And getting thru it.

It's odd learning to cope with life at 46. Look at me, I'm...getting thru the day.

A normal person would say that mundane beats drunk and living on the edge. Some parts of me know that, but some parts are restless.

AA helps. I can ground myself there with others who know exactly, exactly where i've been and where i am. I see people who've come so far and have much richer lives for the process.

Without drama and excitement, I see the things I need to change. Before I ignored them with the help of the sauce, et. al.

Last night, we had company over. Some were drinking and yes, i wanted that wine. as the night went on my focus shifted to food and yes,I wanted those chicken wings. i ate more and more consistently than i would have preferred, but overall, it was okay.

still, today, i felt sorry for myself. why do i have sooo many issues? if it isn't wine, it's food, if it's not food, it's pills, if not pills, then i look for drama elsewhere. the point is, i need to tolerate the discomfort and social awkwardness and party conversations that don't scintillate. I can get thru it and without cabernet or crudite.

This seems a stilted post, as this is all just so new and uncomfortable for me. Drama I know so well. Run of the the mill, day-to-day life -- how do I manage that? For now, I'm working on tolerating it.

Tomorrow's five week's sober. Tonight, i meet with my sponsor. To be continued.

Gratitude list:

My car is giving me a lot of trouble. My boyfriend keeps giving me his car so i can get to work safely. He rides his motorcyle in the cold.

My puppy friend is coming over for a visit in a few minutes. As my friend, Eve, said "happiness is a warm puppy".

I'm meeting with my sponsor tonight. She has such great wisdom, and I'm just doing what she tells me and believing in it.

Big Girl Pants

I was complaining to my sponsor that my life is so hectic all of the sudden, and i feel overwhelmed and have so much to do and there are so many issues... she looked at me and smiled and said,

"Sometimes you just have to pull on your Big Girl Pants and do what needs to be done."

Exactly. Here's the thing -- I've always avoided Big Girl Pants, figuratively and literally. I've dodged everything that sniffed of reality or hard work. And, of course, I've starved and prayed in search of a life in skinny jeans.

What do I have to show for it? Uh, stretch marks? Bills? (notice what i put first. my priorities need a little work.)

One of the reasons I picked my sponsor is that she looks like she knows how to put on Big Girl Pants. She's a hard-working single mom with a teenager and a nice little house and one hell of a hard time behind her. THIS is the kind of woman I want to be -- someone who knows how to take care of herself.

i'm always leaning on people -- family, friends, men. it's not that we don't all need help, but i always want people to do things FOR me not with me. i let people do stuff and pay no attention, so the next time, i have no idea what to do.

this may work for a 6 year old but a 46 year old, not so much. this barely works for most 16 years olds. how did i manage this long?

here i am, at 46, slowing beginning to step up to the plate. uh, yes, i have to work even if i'm not psyched about the job. yeah, i have to cook and clean and get my car serviced. i can't afford mani/pedis, massages, fancy make-up, frequent highlights and, of course, tasty red wine. i don't know where i got my sense of entitlement, but hello, it's been whopping. and financially devastating.

here i am, and i'm beginning the process. it's terrifying, yet it's my only chance. uh, to not end up in debtors prison. without medical care.

re; literal Big Girl Pants - the ones that don't look like tights and weren't meant for a pre-teen with a hyper metabolism. My sponsor puts on big girls pants -- she's healthy and toned and strong. She has no eating disorders and no particular issues with food. She's a great-size woman. You don't instantly wish to give her a sandwich. Anyway, she would get her own.

i hate big girls pants. i started out super-chubby and spent my whole life questing and dying for skinny jeans. it's going to be a very hard habit to change. will a smaller size ALWAYS seem better? i don't have an answer.

but grown-ups need grown-up pants. i'm beginning the process of becoming an adult. now, about those pants...

Here's to pulling on my Big Girl Pants and accepting that this is life.

Dread

i can't begin to tell you how much dread i felt about going to work today. this morning, i had a panic attack and almost fainted. i have trouble sleeping because i dread work and i have bad dreams about the job.

this morning, i could barely keep my eyes open driving to work. i really did almost fall asleep. it was truly creepy & dangerous. i didn’t sleep terrifically, but i got enough sleep, so that shouldn't have happened.

last friday, our director put it on my calendar to meet with her every day this week. i don't know why. i worry that they worry i'm not learning quickly enough. and I strongly fear that she's going to make me do a lot of outgoing sales, which i truly dread. truly.

how do i work things thru with this dread? every night, i get miserable about going to work the next day.

this is a very controlled job for a very free spirit. it's timed when you go to the bathroom. every time you get up you have to clock out. How long you’re on the phone is tracked.

what is the dread? In the old days, I never wanted to go to work either. Then I’d drink and binge and purge all night, maybe trying to make myself sick enough so I wouldn’t have to go to work. Then came drugs, and I really wasn’t capable of going to work. Life just fell apart.

Now, I’m not drinking or drugging or binging or purging or starving, so all the feelings are here. I’m not numbing or anesthetizing to “cope”. I’m living.

All the feelings are right here. I just stand and watch them invade and take over my body. It was terrifying this morning, when I nearly passed out and then could barely stand up. Who’s in charge of this body, anyway?

EPILOGUE: I got myself to work. I calmed myself minute by minute and things got better and easier. Work got a little more interesting, we had a good meeting and I really took and enjoyed my lunch hour.

I’m such a fearful person. Why couldn’t I convince myself that this day could possibly be fine?

Guess I need to learn to cope without Chardonnay, 3 pizzas and a quart of ice cream, nights flung over the toilet, Percoset…

All new.

Gratitude list:

I met with my sponsor yesterday for the first time. She is the loveliest person in so many ways. I picked well! She gave me homework and I’m working away. Going to a nice meeting tonight that she runs. And I have a good friend who goes to. Great way to end the day!

I was hungry for lunch. I haven’t felt true hunger in quite a while. Lunch was tasty and now I’m nursing a nice cup of coffee.

Dancing With the Stars is on tonight. And then I’m going to take a bath. Ahhh

Bloat

I'm bloated. Does anyone relate? My stomach feels stretched to the end of its skin.

Very uncomfortable. And my poor, once-abused intestinal tract is not playing along. (Aside to young users of laxatives, if you're using laxatives, please stop. You don't know the damage you will do. it's less fun years down the road.)

Enough about that -- you know what I mean.

Everything's different about my body -- there are lumps and creases around places i'd forgotten about.

When i look in the mirror dressed, I'm not too startled. with a blazer, etc., i still look fine. but take off that dress and, what's all this?

Wish i could feel fine. This reminds me of all the years i officially "dieted". I concentrate on making mostly healthy, lean choices. I'm getting sick of salad and turkey breast, et. al. Still, i'm eating meals, which i didn't do much before & eating a lot late at night after work and AA and everything else i need to do. Thus, some weight gain.

I'm rarely hungry. My system feels so over-taxed. I miss really be hungry for a meal. i tend to eat dinner just because i want to eat. I'm not sure how to do things correctly and healthfully. Maybe a nutritionist?

It's no surprise I'm pretty out of touch with my body and "hungry" and "full". I never developed these tools -- you know the ones babies conquer at birth?

I so wonder how we got here. Eating is supposed to be as natural as any of the most instinctive things we do. Now not-eating seems acceptable and the norm. Everyone's so busy trying to be "good".

A young (16) friend tells me that, although she regularly binges/purges/starves, she doesn't think she has a problem, because everyone else is doing it. She says

"I'm really involved in the theatre and dance productions- and eating disorders are so common there. Naturally, there is a huge percentage of girls in theatre who restrict their calories (which eventually leads to a binge...and a purge) in order to be thinner for the stage or competition. During warm ups we talk about how much we've eaten, or how much weight we need to lose before the show so we'll look good. What's worse is that it isn't questioned because that's the way it's always been done.

"Naturally, there is a huge percentage of girls in theatre who restrict their calories." NATURALLY? What is natural about a huge percentage of teenage girls restricting their calories?

How did this happen? How did starving (often leading to binging and purging) become natural?

Why? What is so great about being super-thin? What's so great about being thin?

Is there anything we can do?

A Better Day

Today is a better day. Work was a little busier, so it went more quickly. My co-workers are very nice, and they're unbelievably patient with my mistakes and slow learning curve on the computer.

I'm not sure why i'm feeling better, but here are some guesses. I am

getting enough sleep every night.

blogging every night, then taking a lovely bath and going to bed.

working new hours, so i can sleep later and there's no traffic. The commute is a full half hour less each way now!

getting more comfortable at work, so i don't obsess about being employed quite so much

eating heartily and healthfully. yes, my weight's staying up there, but I'm sure getting enough brain food.

not beating myself up for the weight gain. just going back to the closet for bigger clothes.

sober and going to AA most nights

seeing things more clearly and realizing they're ok

much more sober, in every sense of the word

I guess this was a gratitude list of sorts. I'm so grateful for everything that's feeling and working a little better. Hallelujah!

A Sponsor

i got a sponsor. i can't believe it. four years in and out of recovery and never thought "I" needed a sponsor. but too many people i trust have told me to do it. since i make such wrong decisions on my own, i decided to follow the STRONG suggestion of most together people i know (my therapist, people with 30 years sober, etc.) and asked the leader of last night's AA meeting if she would sponsor me. we're meeting this weekend to get started. i'm nervous and excited and startled that i took this step (no pun intended, for all of you who know the tenets of AA.) Imagine ME, doing the right thing!

Yesterday was a blah, blah day at work. i left there all depressed with my head hanging. then i met my friend from IOP at an AA meeting and instantly felt comforted. i grabbed coffee (and a cookie -- yes, I'm allowing myself cookies before dinner) and sat up front. quickly, my shoulders dropped, as i found myself nodding along with everything said. everyone at AA has a story and everyone understands great loss and confusion and frustration. I don't know when i've felt less alone.

it's unlike me to feel peace when my life has so many frustrating aspects. it's always been all or nothing for me -- if one thing was bad, NOTHING felt good or peaceful. it's kind of a revelation -- i can hate my job, my finances, my addictions, YET i can still feel relaxed in a room full of people with like-minded troubles. all new.

what else is new? well, i'm still sober and having a MUCH less hard time around this time around. i do crave alcohol sometimes, but i don't at all want everything that goes with drinking -- the hangover, the bad decisions about everything, the cost, the disappointment from those around me and all the lies that decide to pop out of my mouth. every aspect of life gets worse when i drink AND all my addictions have kept me back, kept me in this life i find so dissatisfying.

i have everything to re-learn. from making my own bed, to supporting myself. i never did these normal things -- i don't know how i escaped, but i skipped anything in life that an adult might do and anything that smelled even vaguely of responsibility. all this avoidance hasn't done me any good.
>
i must believe it's never too late. i see people in AA who've pulled it together after having lost everything, over and over with terrible consequences. and there they are, sober and working on much better lives.

humility. i have so little. always, i think i know best what's best for me. whatever's necessary for "other" people never applies to me. i also seem to think i can do whatever i want, regardless of the consequences to myself and others around me.

the only thing i can do is right things now. i can't make up for the past -- not to myself, and not to those i've hurt. i CAN do things differently this time. so, here i am, doing this considerably differently - a genuine work in progress.

as for my ass (strange seque, but the thought just popped up), it's still the same new size. why can't i believe my boyfriend, who repeatedly tells me i'm perfect right now? what does he know?! no, no, i hear my mother's voice years ago, wondering why they were promoting Diane Sawyer when she had such big hips. my mother hated wide hips, no matter who sported them. if you weren't a boy, basically, you were horribly wide.

why do i hear my mother from 30 years ago and not my boyfriend? or anyone, these days, who tells me I look good - that i had gotten painfully thin and i finally look healthy again.

everything's up in the air right now -- lots of change and uncomfortable transition.
Growing pains? i hope so.

Still Okay with the Weight

You know, I am kind of okay with all this weight gain. It continues to climb, which is hard to fathom, but that’s what’s happening. Doesn’t seem much I can do about it, and I don’t feel like doing anything right now, so this is it.

I am fine. I, Melissa, am fine, because I’m healthy and I’m sleeping and I’m learning to cope with real life.

In the real world, I’m not a tiny girl. I’ve always wanted to be a tiny girl in the world – ahhh, if only I could disappear... But I can’t disappear – who will pay the rent, and cover my health insurance so I can keep taking Lexapro and pay for my root canal and for food and gas and my phone…??? I can’t disappear, no matter how much I’d like to at times. i'm taking up space, and that's what i must do. make my place, make my space in this world.

My boyfriend tells me that I look great now – nothing better than a woman with curves, says he.

I don’t think I look great. Still, I have gained a lot of weight, and the world hasn’t ended. In fact, little has changed except that I’m sober and more responsible and honest.

I do think about cutting down on the cals but then think – I like my afternoon pretzels and my after dinner ice cream. And after that, I’ve been known to eat fruit. Yes, my emotions trigger my mouth-hunger, lately, but for right now, that’s where I am.

Could I possibly learn to be one of those people who enjoys food? I've either desperately craved it or feared and loathed anything with calories all my life. What If i could appreciate and enjoy food? Could that ever be me?

I just wish the weight gain would stop now.

b>Gratitude
1. I went to a really good AA meeting tonight, and I (yes I!) got a sponsor. More on that later.

2. I got another job offer, so I don't feel quite so stuck in this one.

3. Dancing With the Stars, a warm bath and a good book. Beautiful.

Anorexia or Bulimia?

for the first ten years of life, i was a compulsive eater. i grew very quickly and always out-grew the weight gain. at ten i got my period and stopped growing and the compulsive eating caught up with my waist-line. and my hips and face and boobs...

the next phase was starvation -- i just stopped eating until i'd lost 60 pounds, but then craved food all the time. Welcome, Bulimia. over the years, i'd do some combination of compulsive eating, starving, binging and/or purging.

i'm not sure how to label myself. bulimic? sometime anorexic? compulsive eater?

are they different? are there different reasons and feelings associated with each?

i never considered myself anorexic, although i certainly exhibited anorexic behaviors for long stretches. in my head, i'll always think of myself as a compulsive eater.

from reading blogs and literature, i see that many anorexics believe their disease is caused by nature, not nurture and peer pressure. that never resonated with me, although it makes sense.

i've never felt that my disease was based on brain chemistry. my mother wanted me thin, desperately, all the other kids teased me and the popular girls were always light weights. unfortunately, my body wanted big weight. and my misery wanted food. my mother and father comforted themselves with food, what else did i know?

during the years when i ate compulsively and/or binged and purged, i hated myself and loathed my life.

during my starving mode, i resented the world -- everyone else could eat, but i didn't allow myself anything other than lettuce and, well, lettuce. still,i thought my body looked pretty good, although i barely had the energy to walk up stairs. and i hated myself a little less -- at least i wasn't eating! was that a brain mis-fire or just my mother's voice cooing at my little body?

do you consider yourself anorexic or bulimic or EDNOS. what do you relate to? do you think the different disorders have different causes?

Today's gratitude list:

I slept a lot last night and didn't have to go to work today.

I let myself be depressed and just went with it for a while. it was okay

I'm reading a nice, new book -- now that's lovely!

anxiety or depression?

which is worse? usually i'm incapacitated by anxiety -- sweaty, can't focus, heart racing. it's hard to do anything when you can't even breathe. when i'm in it, i'd tell you it's the worst.

then along comes depression. thud. depression's not my usual default. but this week - thud. it's hard to do anything when you can't even move. now that i'm in it, i tell you it's the worst.

had a good therapy session after work, and feel somewhat better. my therapist says it's good for me to tolerate discomfort -- it's something i've never really done -- i either binged or starved or took drugs or drank or acted out in some ways that felt like a drug.

it makes sense that i need to learn to tolerate. everyone gets bored or scared, and that's life.

i'm kind of proud that i'm not lying, not drinking, going to AA, going to work. i never did many of those things at the same time before.

i am not drinking, once again, but it's not that hard this time. i don't want a drink. i want a fuller life, a more interesting job, intellectual stimulation, laughter and a little more fun.

but in the interim, i'm going to work and blogging and going to AA. those are good things.

my therapist asked me to write three things i'm grateful for on my blog. a gratitude list seems like just the thing at the moment:

1. IT'S FRIDAY. i couldn't be happier about that!!! Yippee. Yippee

2. i am grateful that i didn't lie today and i didn't drink today

3. it was a beautiful day, and i sat outside for a whole hour at lunch

so, i wonder -- which do you think is worse - depression or anxiety. AND what three things are you grateful for today?

Curves

I considered calling this post "womanly curves" or "sexy curves", but ended up with just plain curves

what is womanly really? Aren’t all female bodies womanly because they belong to women? Besides, womanly sounds like “matronly” or “bosomy” or ... mom jeans.

Still, I think if I tell you my body is now “womanly”, you know what I mean. I have roounnd curves I haven’t seen in quite some time. I now sport 16 pounds more than i did in mid-July. I guess my body wanted it. I look healthy but where, I ask you, did this stomach come from? Whose boobs are these?

That kind of leads me to “sexy” curves. Sexy. I don’t tend to feel sexy. I don’t like to feel sexy – it’s fairly threatening, now that i think of it. Is it shocking that a woman with every eating disorder since childhood has issues with her sexuality?

I didn’t date until I was 30 and even then, i didn't pick well.. damn, if I didn’t think I was the ugliest thing around. up and down 100 pounds. braces. frizzy hair. acne. glasses. and nerdy. oh, was i picked on in junior high. i wouldn't dare have thought of myself as sexy -- some sarcastic creep would let me know exactly how truly unappealing i was. even during my thinnest (thin equalled attractive to me)times when my acne cleared up, the braces were gone and a flat iron had been invented -- still, even then (and now) all i see is funny looking me.

So sadly, that's just the way i look at my body. Yeah, no, my curves aren't sexy to me, even though i'm working on convincing myself they are. i guess i still miss the bones. why do i like sharp bones and sneer at soft curves?

This post brings anxiety, as i write this out. why can't i feel sexy? why not -- other women do. sometimes, after a few glasses of wine, when EVERYTHING feels crazy and loose, i might feel a little sexy but even then -- KEEP THOSE LIGHTS OFF!!!

sometimes i really would rather look like a vanishing woman. yet, i so don't want my 15 year old niece to see me as thin as i was. it's a terrible message and not walking the walk. "you're perfect", i tell her and know it is so, although my body is a fair amount smaller than hers.

whether curves seem desireable or not, they're mine. i need to deal and move on with the rest of the day!

Honestly

Can you believe it -- I'm being honest. Honest, honest, honest. I've told my boyfriend about multiple lies. Believe it or not, confessing is better than lying.

We'll have to see what it's like to be honorable. This is very new for me. I'm doing what i'm supposed to. Sober again -- and it doesn't suck quite so much as last time.

The purpose is to move forward and in a POSITIVE way. To change behaviors which mess with my integrity. New, new, new.

One day, I will know exactly where my moral compass is -- right inside of me.

i'm still using food, but what can I do? Even normal eaters use food when they're newly sober. So, yes, there is ALWAYS a sugar-free mint in my mouth and/or a cup of coffee in my hand, but it's better than Sauvignon Blanc and/or a cigarette.

I think i'm handling this well, particularly for me.

Pissed Off

Hello Anger, my old friend.

i am so angry today. why do i have to drive an f===ing 90 minutes to work, then an hour to IOP and then get home at 10;30, lay out my clothes, pack my lunch, take a shower and then resent the hell out of having no time for myself.

the counselors at IOP SUCK. we watch movies, we talk about transmissions and fast food (the counselors are so talent-free -- they let the conversation wander all over, and they can't control the group) and where everybody lives.

but i have to go, because my therapist wants the stupid (really!) iop counselor to watch me take antabuse. 3.5 hours of stupidity three nights a week.

i need time to myself. i hate everyone today == i railed on my cousin and i asked my therapist to call me so i can tell her how absolutely PISSED OFF i am.

i'm also so anxious about the week. learning the really complicated computer system and all the sales stuff and running to iop where they now know i didn't stop drinking.

i'm really unhappy. really unhappy. really unhappy.

and i'm gaining more weight and my skin's all broken out and....i'm really unhappy.

thanks for listening

Okay with my Weight Gain!!!

i have gained 13 pounds, and counting, since the middle of July. i am now exactly the number the weight charts say i should be. Thirteen pounds heavier than two months ago. Yet, i'm okay.

i don't know why I'm okay. two months ago, two pounds drove me crazy. you could see the bones from my neck to my chest, and i thought they looked great. i could slither into those skinny jeans and boy did i shake my ass. i thought i looked great.

of course, i also kind of looked like a skeleton. really boney. i maintained the look of the dead for about six months. i sure thought i looked great.

but i guess i looked like a skeleton.

i repeat all this so i will hear it. much of me wishes i still looked like that, but i don't have that kind of time. i'm working a full day and taking in SO much new information and running to 3.5 hours of iop (driving over an hour each way.) somewhere in between i have to pay my bills and return calls and emails and, hopefully, bathe and make coffee and the bed.

i don't have time for my eating disorder. i pack my lunch and eat it. my boyfriend can't believe i eat it all. he knows my old (lack of) eat habits. i eat potato chips on break during IOP and then get home at 10:30 and, exhausted, eat a real dinner. i put cream in my coffee and suck sugar free sucking candies all day (oral fixation, indeed.)

i gain weight. but i can't be bothered. i look fine. if i gain more weight, i still can't be bothered. i'm serious!!!!!!! who is writing this??

i don't have time for my eating disorder?!! in the past, all this stress would have brought ED screaming in louder than ever. i'd fast all day and binge all night. but i can't do that now. i don't have any money or any credit, and i must learn my new job and function. i need to support myself, and i'm getting too old to function on no food or the awful post binge/post purge feeling.

WOW.

by the way, i just wrote the previous post too. if you have the time, please give it a read. i think i almost wrote this one to mask the last. it's all true, but the last one scared me.

Liar, liar

Does anyone else lie? maybe it's more of the alcoholic/drug addict part of me that likes the whoppers and white ones? i guess i lied around my eating disorder, but i think this is my substance abuser stttreetttcching the truth.

tonight, my therapist told me i need to be honest all the time. what???!!!

i feel pretty crummy about myself. i've been drinking since labor day and telling my therapist and IOP i was sober. LIAR. every morning, i'd text my therapist i took antabuse and she'd write back how proud she was of me. LIAR. trust-crusher. betrayer. the true L word.

last night, instead of going to IOP, i rented a cheap hotel room and told my boyfriend i was going to IOP. yes, i'd had a crazy full week with not ONE minute to myself. yes, i had my period and awful cramps and madness. and yes, i needed the time to myself. BUT I LIED. i did eventually confess to my boyfriend, who already knows the severe limits to my trustworthiness. and knows that i've been feeling suffocated. and knows I AM A LIAR.

i'm afraid to publish this. will anyone ever want to be my blogger friend again? i don't lie on the blog.

now, i must be honest. all the time. my therapist is calling my iop counselor and telling her to watch me take antabuse. yick. sobriety.

my therapist tells me drinking is holding me back from a full life. now, i have no money, a very "eh" job that is no interest to me and lots of repercussions.

is there a chance i could have a full life? could i do something that really uses more of my literary interests and less of my sales background? will i ever be able to take care of myself?

well, i did go to my job all week, and i did pay attention and SMILE thru the cramps and anxiety. i am terrified of the computers, but i am going back on monday. i will go to iop. i will go to AA meetings.

i will give myself a chance.

day two

i am not used to this work thing! i've had two really long days. tomorrow, i don't have IOP. will i actually have a minute to myself? WOO HOO!!!!

i sure was spoiled -- good sleep, long baths, lunch on the deck.... of course, there wasn't any money coming in, so that didn't really work too well.

i'm sorry that i haven't been in blog world the last two days. i've been thinking about everyone, reading blogs AND READING AND RE-READING your comments to me.

i'm going to take a shower (kind of ran out of time this morning), lay out my clothes, make my lunch, eat dinner and try to get some sleep.

by the way, the job seems fine. i have my stressed out moments. but this week is all training, so i'm just trying to relax and learn.

Hope everyone is having a good night. Peace.

Can We Recover?

shae adele at http ://shaeadele.blogspot.com/ wrote: "You're the only person I know (even virtually) who has struggled with an ED and recovered (for the most part. I know we all slip up.) But thank you, I needed this. The only woman I know for real (a former teacher who is near and dear to me. We go out for coffee sometimes to talk about ED related things) told me that there is no recovery from an eating disorder. Never. She's 35 and is still very much a disordered eater, she just doesn't purge because she lost her colon. Maybe that's why I've been so lethargic lately. I thought she was recovered for so long, and to hear that was crushing."

i don't believe that's true. four years ago, i stopped throwing up after 30 years of bulimia. since then, i've binged maybe four or five times and taken a couple of laxatives maybe three times. i consider that pretty good. i don't know what the future holds, but i seem to be so much more at peace with food and my weight. i don't think to binge -- which is bliss.

Do you think we can recover? I never thought it was possible before. i questioned people who said they were better-- i just didn't believe it. when i started this blog, i still insisted i WAS my eating disorder. now, i don't believe that at all. i didn't realize how much my thinking had shifted until i was on Shae Adele's blog the other day, and she had written, "i am my eating disorder".

Speaking of Shae Adele, she's 17 and been with ED for six years. If you have a chance, stop by her blog. I think she could use really use some support.

On another note, I start my new job tomorrow. i have SUCH anxiety. i'm surprised how nervous i am. i'm not sure how to handle it. i need to have more belief in myself. i can do this. right?

feeling like a new me

Thank you everyone for all your comments on my last post. your support gives me courage. i do have to remember that i can do this. and things do tend to work themselves out.

on a different front, i've started to feel a little differently about things and about myself. i'm more grounded, less dramatic, more realistic, less focused on my appearance, and i'm spending a lot less time in la la land.

for once, i find myself wanting mental excitement, not crazy thrills. it's...well,thrilling. at 46, can i begin to become the real woman i've tucked down deep inside? can i?

it's the happiest, most warming thought i've had in a while.

i don't know if i'm explaining this well. i don't really understand it myself. for right now, as i told my therapist, i'm poignantly happy.

Job Fear

What is all this interest in food? why do i want to keep chucking stuff into my mouth?

i start my new job on monday. i haven't worked since July 17, and though i've been terrified about money, i have so enjoyed the freedom. i get lots of sleep and take morning walks and write and run all my errands, then head to iop. my boyfriend and i sit on the swing, lounge on the deck, drive to the beach and explore different neighborhoods.

before this bliss, i worked for my brother for four years. it was pretty darn easy work, and i had lots of flexibility. sure, the travel got old, and i didn't like the job itself, but i knew what i was doing.

monday, i start a job selling classified ads for a large newspaper in new jersey. i'll be sitting at a desk, on the phone all day, every day. and selling. i'd promised myself that i wouldn't take another sales job again, but that's my background and the best way for me to make an okay salary. i'm afraid of the whole sales thing. sometimes, even with all my experience, i still get scared. and my lack of computer knowledge -- eek.

but, i do LOVE newspapers and enjoy reading classified ads, so of all the jobs i saw, this one looked the best. the hours are 9:30 - 6 pm, which means i don't have to blast out of bed at some unholy hour, and that means a lot. and i keep telling myself, i can do this, i can do this, i can do this. my self-esteem has taken a lot of hits lately -- i need lots of cheerleading.

unfortunately, the job's about an hours drive each way, ugh, because i live in a pretty rural area, and there aren't too many jobs near me.

and how on earth am i going to get to iop for 3.5 hours, three nights a week. and see my therapist in new york. and get to a psychiatrist for meds? i haven't figured this part out at all. but i guess i will.

When will i find time for myself. now, i am blessed with such quality time to breathe. but everyone works and figures things out. i guess i will too.

i'm glad i wrote this, instead of reaching for the fridge door. this is what's been on my mind, but i've been so busy talking about alcohol and food and relationships, i haven't gotten to job fear. now, i have.

After the Eats

i just over-ate. at 4;30 pm. still have dinner to go. with my whole family.

oh, i am talking to myself -- be gentle, be gentle!

i am at my sister's, visiting her family. i love this family, but with all i've been going through, i guess i'm just not in the right place to visit.

there's so much on my plate -- sobriety with slips (yes), iop, getting a new job that's many steps below where i think i should be, financial issues, working things out with my boyfriend and trying to be real.

i sure don't know "real". i've lived in such a fantasy world -- so far from real. now everything needs to get real, and i have to make that happen

in iop, we talked about how good it is to be around each other, people who "get it". my sister's family is health and wealthy and normal. they know NOTHING of any kind of addiction. i feel isolated. separate. alone in my own private world.

it's too bad because usually i cherish being here and leave planning to move to pittsburgh. this time, i want to go home and eat healthy food with my boyfriend, on his deck. ahhhh.

so, i ate. i haven't used food like this in long time. it wasn't really a binge, binge, but i had a generous snack between lunch and dinner and was far from hungry. maybe 500 calories or so, which is thousands below the old days, but still i have a long night ahead, knowing i've actually eaten enough for the day.

we're having big family dinner in a couple of hours. hmmmm. and i'm not drinking, so i'll be staring at the food. and i need to help my sister prepare the feast. i hate cooking and being around food, especially when i've eaten too much already. scarey!

i'll make it. i don't get to see my family enough - i'm going to enjoy them. i'll be home soon enough (Monday night) and still have one week before work starts. there's lots of time to eat delicious and healthy food on the deck with my boyfriend.

my niece just asked if i want to go for a walk. perfect. EXACTLY what i need.

i got a very, very cute haircut today. i haven't told my boyfriend yet -- he likes it long. now, he'll know.

thanks for listening. i needed this.

a little better

i am feeling a little better today. yippeee. yahoo. glory be. i was starting to wonder if every day would feel like walking through really thick mud.

eating's a little better too. i'm not constantly thinking about food and the fridge -- what a relief.

i took a job today. it's "eh", but it pays a little more than some others, the location is great, the hours work perfectly with iop and i do really (i can't emphasize this enough) need money. so, we'll see. i start next week. i'm kind of nervous, because i have a ton to read before-hand and there will be a lot of sales, which i've never loved but always done, but i'm relieved to have a job and one that's near me and IOP.

so, this is one of those good moments where things seem doable, and the future looks just that much brighter. yahoo!!!!!!

Eating in Sobriety

is this going to feel better? am i ever going to stop eating? do i have to always anesthetize myself in some way?

when i took pills and drank, i didn't care so much about eating. i had no compulsivity around food, which was such a relief after a full life-time of obsession.

now that i'm not drinking, all i think about is sticking something edible into my mouth. for the first time in years, i'm forcing myself to STOP EATING. i'm watching some stranger go back to the refrigerator over and over and over. i didn't like her the rest of my life; i certainly don't want her here now.

sorry to be throwing myself a pity party over here. maybe i need a gratitude list right about now:

1. i have a place to stay that's comfortable and not too expensive
2. i have food, which many are not privileged enough to have
3. the weather is nice. i could be miserable and shoveling feet of snow off my car
4. i've gotten some job interviews, which is encouraging
5. i have some very good friends who don't live near me, but are always "there".
6. i have two good books. that's great!

it's nice to remember what i have versus what i can't have!

slogging thru

candy is the new Chardonnay. i can not stop eating, sucking, chewing.... it's no fun for eating disordered me to be consumed by food, as alcohol is not an option. Say it loud and proud -- "alcohol does not own me".

there's a big part of me that wishes it still did own me. i got a job offer today for a decent paying job that looked interesting, but i can't take it because it conflicts with IOP. i had two interviews today for two jobs which look pretty uninteresting, but they both could work with IOP. and they don't pay that well.

i had terrible cramps all day with a really bad hormonal attitude. in the old days, wine eased both the cramps and the crankies. today i had candy and lemonade. BUT i did not drink booze, and i will be sober tomorrow and clear-headed and a teeny bit proud.

am i doing this for me, or am i doing this so my therapist will be happy? does it matter right now -- i don't think so, as it is the best thing for my present and future.

i know myself, so i suggested i email my therapist every morning when i take antabuse. i'm not going to lie -- it would come out anyway. if i don't email her, she'll know i didn't take it, and that means one thing. countdown to cabernet.

for right now, i'm safe. going to take a bath and take my cramps and the crankies to bed.

'night.

SOBER: Day Two

decaf is the new Merlot. harrumph.

hey everyone, your messages and support are invaluable. thank you, thank you, thank you.

i woke up this morning, took my big dose of antabuse and went for a long walk. that felt great. my energy feels better today -- my mood is better, and I'm just so relieved i made it through the first night without alcohol.

it's these nights that are so difficult. it's 8:30 pm, i'm on the computer, i had a weird interview today and i'm worried about -- well, everything. bills come in and cash flies out. OUCH.

I would love some wine, but alcohol will not own me. and i'd have to face my therapist, who is so frustrated with me. and i'd have to face that i need inpatient treatment if i can't go JUST TWO days without alcohol.

it really hurts how frustrated my therapist is with me, but she has reason. i kept taking pills and drinking and really hurting and alienating people around me. still, this is hard. tough love can be -- tough. yet, it is her new approach that has kicked my newly enhanced behind.

exhale. i have to remember to breathe.

tonight's plan; make a healthy dinner, take a bath, read a new magazine (bliss) and read blogs.

wish me luck.

SOBER; Day One

i really want a drink, but if i can't go ONE day without drinking, i really need to be inpatient, and i don't want to go inpatient.

i hate this. i want a glass of wine, but i took a strong dose of antabuse and will get sick if i drink.

why am i doing this, this sober thing? because i am an addict and can not drink moderately. because i want to see who i am without alcohol. because i need to bring my life back into control and make honorable choices.

it wasn't so hard in the past. today is really hard. i'm going to keep writing, because i don't know what else to do.

now i'm going for a bike ride, because i need to get out of the house. more later.

thanks for listening.

Mental Health Question

As i'm looking for jobs, i'm having a hard time finding something that works around the IOP schedule. i know i need IOP, but i also really need money. i don't have any family to lean on, so food and shelter are completely my responsibility. still, I know i need IOP.

Surprisingly in this economy, i've some interviews and pretty quickly. i'm looking for fairly low-level, less stressful jobs, so i can focus on recovery. initially, i planned to try something part-time for a while, but then i worry about money and finances. as it is, the jobs i'm looking at are low-paying, but i could squeeze by.

for those of you who've done an intensive program, is there psychic space left to also work full-time?

i wonder if i can get well working full-time and just going to lots of AA meetings, but my gut tells me i need some serious intense work. i make such bad life decisions, over and over and over and over...

i'm still drinking, which is really bad. i need to feel the integrity of sobriety. i'm leaning on liquor to block out all the many, many issues and i'm eating pretty compulsively. on my own, i just don't take care of myself.

I'M SCARED. yes, i need a lot of help. but how do i swing it?

is she binging?

Are you binging, lady in front of me on line at the Dunkin' Donuts?

As she steps up to order, something looks familiar to me. is it the way she orders so slowly and specifically -- the grilled sandwich, extra cheese and mayo, no make that two. well, three. but no ham on that third one, because, of course, it's for a DIFFERENT person (when i lived in nyc, i'd often order in my binge foods, often from several different places at once. . i'd pretend to ask MULTIPLE other people what they wanted, so the huge order would appear to serve many. i'd cringe when i saw they'd sent four forks or several fortune cookies or lots and lots of cole slaw.) or the way she sways from foot to foot, staring at the donuts, head moving - left to right to left?

i study her body -- she's tall and broad, thin on top and wide through the bottom. how does she feel about her weight as she asks for one crueller. and then a chocolate glazed, and then stops. "anything else", asks the cashier, as he starts to ring her order. "no wait," she says "add a plain bagel and, and butter on the bagel and, and an old fashioned".

"is that all", the clearly impatient cashier asks, as the line builds behind us.

she stares and waits and looks back and forth, left to right to left to right to left. her hands shake. "yes", i guess that's all", she sighs.

a second cashier heads to the front to help with the growing line. as i head to that register, i see the woman has left her keys behind, reminding me of the distraction of the call to gorge. i often left something at my corner store on the way to a binge -- my wallet, my keys -- so focused was i on getting to my carbs, sweets, salties, butter...

her keys in my hands, i go after her. "Miss, miss == your keys", i call several times. she doesn't hear -- she's staring into her bags - until i get to her car and hand them to her.

"do you want to talk?", i almost say. but don't. i walk away. perhaps she WAS just buying food for her family or snacks for friends.

still, i wonder.

blugh

Blurgh, blugh, argh, eek, grrr

that's how i'm feeling these days. stumped, stymied, stupid, scared.

i'm unemployed, need to find a place to live and am, basically, starting all over at 46.

boy did i lose myself along the way. i've acted unconscionably and wonder what happened to my moral compass.

the only place to begin is here. i'm job-hunting, apartment-hunting and SOUL SEARCHING.

i want to be a better person, someone who doesn't steal other people's vicoden, for example. UGH!!! did i do that? yes.

i've alienated some people along the way. i find myself unusually alone. why do i push people away?

a lot of concrete and spiritual work ahead.

BLURGH, BLUGH, ICK, EEK, AARGH, OUCH, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

for now

i've come up with a little plan. not having a plan was causing high anxiety and even some depression (i haven't been depressed in a long time, so that was very unsettling.)

i need time to get better. not too long ago, i was taken ill-gotten prescription drugs and i'm still drinking. while i was restricting with a mission for months, now mouth hunger steps up with a vengeance (and it does feel like vengeance.)

i'm looking into intensive outpatient programs for drugs/alcohol. i'm not taking pills now, but i do know i need to stop drinking. i'm okay with no pills, but i've definetely been using wine to numb the stress. it's not going to be easy, so treatment feels right. i exhibit so many addictive behaviors across the board -- spending, drinking, drugs, food and even relationships. like i said, treatment feels right.

it's suddenly apparent how ambivalent i've been about recovery. what if i don't have my addictions -- sitting with sadness? living on a budget? being sober in stressful, boring and well, all situations?

but life is getting on. i am NOT in my 20s or even my 30s. i'm unemployed and don't have real savings. so very much has changed in the last few month. i'm kind of overwhelmed, confused and sometimes lost.

instead of leaping back into stress, i'm thinking about looking for a part-time job and/or something really close to home and/or something very gentle if it's full-time. i need the time and space to do treatment and i need some money. i don't need to freak myself out.

in the mean time, when i'm eating out of mouth hunger, i make sure it's healthy stuff. if i'm feeling freaky, i head out for a walk or jump on the bike or just get myself out of the house. and i'm blogging.

so it's a little plan, but i remember it when i get too scared. this is just for now, and everything is okay right now.

it started with my body

Before there were drugs, before there was alcohol, and spending a fortune, before there were men..........there was my body, my eating, my weight.

i sit here, starting over. i don't have a job, i'm not speaking to my brother, i'm living with my boyfriend after having moved out.

i have no idea what i'm going to do next. and i'm gaining weight. i'm eating mildly compulsively after months of eating light.

everything in my life is in upheaval. this is serious. oh, and i'm gaining weight. what does that have to do with anything?

my eating disorder took my early years. i didn't care about ANYTHING but my weight. i didn't particularly develop skills or interests. ALL i did, and i mean all i did, was diet.

no self-esteem, no work ethic, no computer skills, no mature practicality.

i'm starting from a very early stage now. it is time to grow up. i'm going back to basics. where it all started.

i will eat. and i will learn to deal with computers. and i will get a job. and i will do something good with my life.

did i say that?

Here I Am

i haven't posted since May 1!!! How can that be possible?

it's been a whirlwind. moved out from the fiance's, moved back into the fiance's. left my job on VERY bad terms with my family and am now here, sitting at the fiance's racking my brain's -- what am i trained to do? who will hire me.

my eating disorder tries to kick in, but i almost can't be bothered. i've actually gained ten pounds since i left my job three weeks ago. starving won't get my life on track. neither will drinking or klonopin.

i WAS starving and drinking a lot and taking pills i ordered online. i truly hope this doesn't trigger anyone. it was pretty awful -- i was so miserable in my life and my job. anxiety ruled.

so here i am -- anxious. i was sitting at my computer thinking -- what helps when i'm anxious? writing on the blog. writing on the blog. writing on the blog.

i was an open wound. everything scared me. if i even read of someone else's problems, i had my own panic attack. i am an open wound right now, but i'm coping better. jumping on my bicycle instead of receding into pinot grigio.

this IS a new beginning, as my eyes are open wide to past behaviors. what was i doing? what was i thinking. even i can't believe the risks i took.

so here i am. beginning to learn to take care of myself. wish i learned it A LOT earlier.

age and my weight loss

again, i hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i have lost weight and need some support to get back to where i was. as i re-read what i've written, i fear it could be fairly triggering. i just need to tell someone.

i'm back from a trip to boston. boston was great -- we had time for tours and did tons of walking. i thought i ate a lot. regular lunches and good dinners, but when i got home, i'd lost another pound and a half.

i also drank a fair amount of red wine, which i'll get to later. that usually adds weight.

it's 88 degrees here. i put on one of my cute sleeveless dresses from last summer, and i looked awful. there is so much excess flabby skin around my upper arms. i looked like a very, very old woman. it scared me.

it looked so bad that i changed into a dress with some sleeves.

i got a massage the other day and the masseuse asked if i'd lost a lot of weight, as i had so much excess skin. (i wasn't really comfortable with her comments, but still...) i told her that i'd recently lost about ten pounds, and she said, "oh it seems like much, much more." OUCH.

it's different with age. when i was younger, my weight fluctuated huge amounts -- i'd gain 60, lose 70, gain 50, lose 40.... and my body was resilient. it sure isn't now.

i wonder if i've done permanent damage. i don't exercise -- maybe some weights would helps? if i gain back some weight, will it plump up my arms?

but i'm talking about exterior things here. what's going on inside? i have been really stressed and find i really don't have an appetite and then i guess i let that take over.

and it's sooo tempting -- this weight loss. even though i look icky-ish, somewhere, deep down in my brain and heart, i believe that skinny is best. it's sick!!!!!!

when i got back from my trip, i assumed i would have gained weight, because i really did eat and drink. but i knew i didn't want to have gained weight, even though i need to. when i saw the weight loss, i was....happy.

it's a distraction. the wine's a sedative.

i actually got my doctor to give me a few klonopin, because i was beside myself and i hoped that klonopin could make me feel better and help me relax enough to eat.

my doctor and my therapist made me promise and swear that i wouldn't drink. i promised and swore. and i drank.

i finished the klonopin. i didn't abuse it -- took it as directed. and it really helped.

now, i'm going to cut back the drinking from the three glasses of wine i've been having almost every day. and then i must get back on antabuse and stop drinking.

it's all so hard. but i have great hope. i won't give up. i just need to figure some things out -- ie, how to eat normally again.

thanks for listening. i've been feeling isolated.

These ^&*((* %$ Jeans

I hope this doesn't trigger anyone. i'm writing about my weight and some restricting, in hopes that i'll pull it together and get back some self-acceptance. Here goes;

I am letting a pretty small pair of jeans rule my life. actually, there are two pairs -- exactly the same size and make.

they're skinny jeans -- straight as my friend Kai's beautiful hair. i can wear them when i'm at a certain weight, which may be a good weight for some but is at least 10 pounds too small for me.

right now, i do weigh a certain weight, and the jeans fit like Calvin Klein sewed them onto me himself. as i am at least ten pounds less than my norm, all my other clothes swamp me.

it's too cold for my swingy summer dresses. i keep thinking that if it were warm enough to wear them, i'd eat more and not worry about fitting into the (&*%)^$& jeans. swinging dresses are forgiving.

i'm not eating much. stress plays into this. is it really about the jeans?

still, this is old and familiar. it's been a long time since i've focussed on staying small for my tall frame. i'm going back many years, and yet, it's so familiar.

i say swingy dress are forgiving. couldn't i forgive myself and let myself be?

how does one forgive oneself?

what if?

what if i gave up a little control?

what I if gained the ten pounds my body, but not i, prefer. and if I didn't fit into the little jeans i've been zipping up these mornings?

what if i let my hair frizz and let up on the eye-liner, even just a little?

would my fiance leave me? would i scare small children?

would people think i was ugly, like they did in high school?

i'll probably not give up the eye-liner, but what if i didn't drink at night?

telling the truth

there are many truths to tell.

i'm an addict. i don't drink, drug or eat in moderation. i mustn't drink, take drugs or starve.

i have been drinking, contemplating klonopin, and i have lost weight (trigger alert -- i've been restricting some.)

my addictions get triggered while i'm traveling. my sleep gets screwed, and i want ambien. my brother insists we dine exquisitely at every meal -- i eat less and crave cabernet a whole lot more.

i took a second job selling make-up at macy's. i've suffered over how to tell my brother 1.) i won't be as available to work for him and 2.) i don't want to travel for him anymore.

i've been freaking about this for a couple of weeks. how do i tell him? what do i tell him?

what about the truth?

telling him the truth takes care of me. and how can he rage at my truth?

what about telling myself the truth? i'm an addict. i don't drink, drug or eat in moderation. i can't drink, drug or starve myself.

to be continued...

i'm too cranky for myself, too cranky for myself...

do you ever get that way? cranky, cranky, cranky.

i don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or walk around in this particular skin.

i'm in nebraska on biz with the bro. my dear friend, eve, moved back here. i saw her yesterday. it was nice, but i'd had to get up at 3 am that morning to get to the airport to get to nebraska. i was really tired and also just overwhelmed with life.

yesterday, i was starting the crawl toward world crankiness. i complained to her and teared up and whined. then complained about crankiness, teared up about everything and whined about not getting enough sleep.

last night i was up ALL night with the runs. (sorry if that's TMI.) we had an early appt this morning. i concentrated heavily on keeping the eyelids open and the cheeks properly clenched.

we're leaving in a couple of hours to fly to chicago then drive for two hours.

i'm supposed to go have lunch with eve but YOU KNOW WHAT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS -- i don't really feel like it. i want to go get my nails done and go to the bookstore and talk to NO ONE.

i can't believe that i'm not jumping at this chance to see my dear friend that i don't get to see anymore. is it because it's too sad to see her for just a few hours. have i toughened my heart to protect it?

have we grown apart a little?

am i jealous because she's in a great place spiritually, physically and jobwise? this is ugly and awful to write and i'm dying to delete it, but i swear, her inner and outer peace started getting on my nerves. see, re-read that last sentence. i really am a bad person and rotten friend.

i want everything for eve, but i'm not in a good place with any of those things right now, really.

i've been drinking again after ten months. can you believe it? i'm actually enjoying it (but of course). right now, it's one glass almost every night, but that always changes. then two glasses, then.....off to the cabernet races

i'm restricting, sort of. for a few weeks, i was too stressed to eat. it hurt my ulcer. then i had the colonoscopy. now, i'm traveling and not sleeping.

you know, it feels great to unload this crankiness. what will i write tomorrow if i don't sleep tonight?!

thanks everyone

Mrs. Obama's Weight...and Mine

this blog may be controversial. and why not -- my ED co-authored.

if you read my blog, you know i have issues with our First Lady's "war" against childhood obesity. will the kids feel stigmatized? is there too much focus on weight and food and food and weight and weight and...? where's the therapeutic support? where's the monitoring for eating disorders? where's the focus on unconditional love, no matter what size body you're in?

if you read my blog, you know that i've raged about this issue to most people around me. one response i didn't expect:

"michele obama isn't exactly thin herself. who is she to help overweight kids?"

i heard similiar comments from a bunch of people and became belligerent -- "what are you crazy?" i ranted. "michelle obama has a perfect, strong, beautiful body. she's physically fit, she's gorgeous in her own skin and powerful -- a terrific example for young people." i sure told all of them!

but here's the truth. when mrs obama started her campaign against childhood obesity, i thought, "well, she's not exactly thin. if she gains a few pounds, she'll start looking like, well, she needs to lose a few pounds. who is she to tell people to lose weight?" (actually, who is anyone to tell people to lose weight, but that's another blog?)

and here's another truth. since i first saw the obama's, i've kind of worried about mrs. obama's weight. her husband, our president, is such a slim, fit sexy guy. if she gains a few pounds, will he find her less attractive? i really worry about this.

am i proud of these thoughts? NOOOOOOOO. but my ED wanted to write that last part, and so she did.

in truth, of course, michelle obama is clearly very fit and strong and healthy. she is, indeed, a perfect representation of health.

Then there's our Surgeon General,Dr Regina Benjamin. She's someone who does not look fit (although we know fitness can't be judged by external appearance, right?)but who is very involved in "the war". Despite her impressive résumé, critics have raised questions about whether Dr. Benjamin, because of her heavier weight, has a credibility problem as she tries to address the nation’s obesity problem.

can a heavy person convince other heavy people to lose weight? i'm considering going to a nutritionist. how would i feel if she were "overweight"?

well, here i go again, putting labels on weight and overweight. so much of me works so hard to believe that weight is meaningless. i hear two voices.

what do i really believe? does anyone else have horrifying thoughts like mine? please say yes. well, for your sake, i hope you don't have my thoughts.

i hope you'll let me know what you think of this post. i'm really embarrassed to publish this post. my ED isn't

Big Decision

this blog is dedicated to my cousin, who provided the answer.

I've decided not to apply to schools for September.

but that's not the real decision. the real decision is to take better care of myself. to learn way's of taking great care of myself and my body AND learning to find ways to deal with anxiety.

just the idea of applying to schools got me wanting alcohol badly, fantasizing ways to get klonopin and stressing out so i couldn't get food past my stomach. and didn't that idea, not eating, get way too interesting. i'm sick of this cycle.

in AA, there's a term, "a dry drunk". it's someone who's not drinking but who's also not immersing themselves in living a "sober life".

while i haven't been drinking, i haven't been going to AA meetings, because i don't love them. i haven't gotten the needed support and camaderie and discipline of checking in. i'm going to put my "not loving" aside and go to meetings until i find one and find people in them that help

i've gone to lots of parties with alcohol and out to dinners in fancy restaurants where drinking is beautified. it's very, well, intoxicating. i need to put my foot down and say, "i'm not going". no matter how very unpopular that can be. if my fiance's brother comes over for a boys night of watching sports and drinking, i need to stay at my own apartment.

sedatives. someone gave me an ativan the other day, and i took and it was bliss -- my heart didn't pound, my stomache didn't sear, i could focus. i started contemplating where and how to get klonopin. the addict in me can be so alive and well.

i've never really taken yoga or done much breathing or stretching or meditating. it's not valium, but it's also not addictive. i'm going to commit to whatever i can to find some means of help that won't end up in horrible withdrawals

food. i haven't been to a nutritionist since i was way too bulimic to care 15 years ago. my eating habits are... well, like mood swings. and they're probably too unstructured for this moment in my life. i'd like to see a nutritionist now, 15 years later, now that i don't think that a low weight equals the cure for cancer in importance. going to a nutritionist will be so hard for me. i don't even like to tell myself what i eat -- it's WAY too private for that.

there's more i'm sure, but it's late and i'm in a new time zone.

for now, suffice it to "say" that since i decided not to apply to schools, for now, i can and am eating again. and eating better than i have in a while. and i'm much less interested in the whole process of my weight, et. al.

thanks, cuz. and thanks to me too. great teamwork on this decision!

the WAR against childhood obesity

i'm still worrying about the WAR against CHILDHOOD OBESITY. I capitalize these words because they seem to have taken on a life of their own. i don't like the name -- who wants to be signaled and out and called "obese", particularly when you're a child?!!! and who wants to know there's a WAR against your body?

i've made comments on other people's blogs, but it keeps sticking in my head -- Why aren't we hearing more about the feelings behind the obesity? what's going on that a kid is eating enough to be medically obese? arent there studies that show that if children are left on their own and given a lot of choices, they pick pretty healthy foods and don't overeat? why are heavier children (did i mention i hate the word "obese". i crinkle my whole face while typing it) choosing to eat so much and so often junky food? most kids i know would rather be outside running around. why do some kids prefer to stay inside and watch tv? there are some real issues here that fruits and vegetables can't solve on their own!

i'm also not hearing much about teaching acceptance to more "normal" weight kids. i was picked on mercilessly when i was an "obese" child. it's painful to remember how lonely and confused I was. why was everyone making fun of me? how come no one wanted to be my friend? of course, i'd run to food, literally my only "friend" when i was 11 and 12 and stuff myself until scared -- i thought i was going to die because i'd eaten so much i couldn't breath.

Mean kids --yet another problem fruits and vegetable can't solve.

it makes me think that there is something fattest somewhere in all of this campaign againST CHILDHOOD OBESITY. everyone keeps talking about the weight and those darn fruits and vegetables and portion control. i've opened my mouth and told a lot of people in my own circle that this whole campaign against CHILDHOOD OBESITY bothers me in its approach. i fear it will stigmatize children, make them feel they're not good enough the way they are. yes, of course, we need to help our children eat healthfully and get moderate exercise. but we should work toward Childhood Wellness or Healthy Childhoods (guess it doesn't sound as a grand as a major WAR AGAINST CHILDHOOD OBESITY.) No one really likes what i say. they usually get defensive. i talk about therapy and people get bored. I sense that we're not seeing the whole child; we're just seeing an overweight kid. and no one likes the fat kid, right.

i gather that people think this is a "safe" issue. everyone's patting himself on the back for joining the WAR. after his last heart procedure, the very first thing i heard about president clinton was a statement he issued saying he was feeling better and was ready to go back to his work against CHILDHOOD OBESITY. i'd rather they focussed on poverty and education, not skim milk.

I haven't heard anything about telling kids that WHO THEY ARE is great regardless of what size they wear. if everyone's were waging a war against my body, i'd need to know that my essence is fine and i'm unconditionally loved no matter what i weigh.

why doesn't mrs. obama add therapists to her cadre of nutritionists and medical doctors. (there may well be, but i'm just hearing about the medical doctors and nutritionists). my mother took me to lots of those, in addition to weight watchers, et. al.

when i was 11, i was miserable,lonely and so confused about why everyone made fun of me. i craved unconditional love, not a mother who seemed to love me more when i weighed less. during my early teens, i rarely weighed less. instead, i ate. and ate. and ate.

but why was i eating compulsively? it wasn't that i didn't like salad. i've famously always loved vegetables. no, i ate because my parents hated each other and fought constantly yet neither would move out for FIVE miserable years. i ate because my brother and sister left for college when i was seven and never came home because the atmosphere was so toxic. i ate because my mother got involved with a horrible creepy crazily addicted prescription drug user twenty years her junior and then had him move in with us. i could go on, but i think you have a small part of the picture.

during this horrid period in my life (by the way, the creep never touched me, but other than that, everything SUCKED), i hit nearly 200 pounds. IT FREAKED MY FAMILY OUT.

then i started starving.

and oh the compliments poured in. my mother gloried each time i skipped a meal. she tried to copy my efforts but never did as "well" as I. i think that made her feel badly about herself.

i got all kinds of gifts and new wardrobes EVERYTIME my clothes got a little lose. and we didn't even have much money to spare. but, hallelujah, melissa was getting thin.

you all know my story. when you worship at the church of skinniness, sometimes things go wrong. i was tooooo hungry.

enter bulimia.

it's been 34 years since i was 11. i binged, starved, and puked for 31 of them. what if someone had told me back then that they loved me unconditionally instead of getting me diet pills.

my mother waged one hell of war against my childhood obesity. i hate war.