do you ever get that way? cranky, cranky, cranky.
i don't want to talk to anyone or do anything or walk around in this particular skin.
i'm in nebraska on biz with the bro. my dear friend, eve, moved back here. i saw her yesterday. it was nice, but i'd had to get up at 3 am that morning to get to the airport to get to nebraska. i was really tired and also just overwhelmed with life.
yesterday, i was starting the crawl toward world crankiness. i complained to her and teared up and whined. then complained about crankiness, teared up about everything and whined about not getting enough sleep.
last night i was up ALL night with the runs. (sorry if that's TMI.) we had an early appt this morning. i concentrated heavily on keeping the eyelids open and the cheeks properly clenched.
we're leaving in a couple of hours to fly to chicago then drive for two hours.
i'm supposed to go have lunch with eve but YOU KNOW WHAT AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS -- i don't really feel like it. i want to go get my nails done and go to the bookstore and talk to NO ONE.
i can't believe that i'm not jumping at this chance to see my dear friend that i don't get to see anymore. is it because it's too sad to see her for just a few hours. have i toughened my heart to protect it?
have we grown apart a little?
am i jealous because she's in a great place spiritually, physically and jobwise? this is ugly and awful to write and i'm dying to delete it, but i swear, her inner and outer peace started getting on my nerves. see, re-read that last sentence. i really am a bad person and rotten friend.
i want everything for eve, but i'm not in a good place with any of those things right now, really.
i've been drinking again after ten months. can you believe it? i'm actually enjoying it (but of course). right now, it's one glass almost every night, but that always changes. then two glasses, then.....off to the cabernet races
i'm restricting, sort of. for a few weeks, i was too stressed to eat. it hurt my ulcer. then i had the colonoscopy. now, i'm traveling and not sleeping.
you know, it feels great to unload this crankiness. what will i write tomorrow if i don't sleep tonight?!